"Man's greatness" Ashura--a Turkish dessert

Any feedback appreciated!!!!

University Rochester
The abolitionist and Rochester luminary Frederick Douglass said, "Man's greatness consists in his ability to do and the proper application of his powers to things needed to be done."

In my neighborhood, I hand out Ashura, a Turkish dessert, to my neighbors. When I first started this custom, my neighbors were surprised because they did not know Ashura and what my purpose was in passing it out. However, after I passed out Ashura for a couple of years, they began to welcome this tradition and started to ask me about this dessert. I told them, "Ashura is a symbol of diversity." So, my neighbors began to pass out their own traditional food, which has allowed my neighborhood to come together and enjoy the cultures of people who live around.

Mualla, I don't really see any reference to "Things needed to be done" in your narrative. Believe it or not, this is the one time that your interest in women's rights and your advocacy for the cause should be shared with the reviewer. What moves have you made in order to further the feminist cause in your country? No matter how small scale it is, you should share it with the reviewer. Perhaps it is something that you did for the women in your community or something that you did at school to help gain some sort of respect or freedom for your female classmates. Indeed, this is one of those few times that your desire to pursue a cause falls under a "Things needed to be done." profile. I would not waste the opportunity to show the reviewer the kind of strong personality that you have based upon the beliefs that you have and how you promote it in your community.

@Holt

Hi Holt. I may have misunderstood the prompt. I was thinking that it worked since it said, "create positive change in their communities" Is there any chance that I could improve upon this one? I would love to write another one but the time is really bothering me thats why

You can probably try to create some sort of conflict within the community that can work with this essay. For example, a situation between your family and your neighbors that caused the two families not to get along. As the conflict progressed, you decided to step in before it got out of hand. That is where the Ashura sharing comes in. Or you could use a point of say, not being wholly welcomed in your community and you used the food to help the neighbors to get to know you and your family better. Kind of like using the food as a bridge between two cultures and a uniting factor that helped you to create a bond with the community. That way you can also highlight how the community came together much more after that because the others also decided to introduce their cultures by sharing their native food as well.

@Holt
Holt what do you think of this version?

When my family and I moved to a new town, we were not welcomed in the neighborhood because we were the only Turkish family. To change things, I decided to hand out Ashura, a Turkish dessert, so that people in my community would get to know me and my family better. My neighbors were instantly warmed. They found Ashura delicious and asked me about this dessert. I told them, "Ashura is a symbol of friendship and diversity." So, my neighbors began to hand out their own traditional food, which allowed us to come together and build bridges between our cultures.

Do you see how I liked your post Mualla? That means it is a very good version when compared to the previous one and I am suggesting that you use this version of your prompt response. This incarnation of your response works very well for the prompt. It delivers on the information required and you managed to choose a very interesting topic to develop for it. I know that it is a word limited statement so I will not make any changes to the voice of the essay anymore. It is actually very clear in meaning and shows why you had to do that activity. The reason behind it is clear. So should not have any more worries regarding the response that you developed. It is ready for use. The fact that your single act of trying to change things for your family resulted in a closer neighborhood for all concerned is priceless and could leave an impact upon the reviewer that the previous version could not have done.

@Holt

Thanks Holt. Yes I saw your like. The essay would not have come to this point without you-:)