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Management and Economics: Meaningful event moving to Florida - UF Essay.

skimonawhim 1 / 1  
Sep 21, 2010   #1
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Clunking down I-75 in a UHAUL truck with my dad, I was an 11 year old Georgia boy planning my up coming birthday party at the beach. This was a welcome change to the ancient roller skating rink, where all my previous birthdays had been held. Growing up in rural Cedartown, Georgia, I always wondered why people chose to live in such a limited area. Where a Wal-Mart was the social hub and nice house was a modular home. Because education was not a priority, higher education was virtually nonexistent. Moving down to Destin, Florida was a welcomed change.

On my first big trip, with my new driver's license, back to Georgia I found myself wondering why I now considered myself a Floridian. I came to the conclusion that Cedartown was not what I wanted to be. It fell short of all the support that I received in Florida that really catalyzed my growth in academics, and as a person. For example, my math teacher for three years, Dr. Mixon, who lead me to pass AP Calculus as a junior and nominated me for the National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine. The blend of the best students from around the world made for some fierce competition, resulting in me being in the top ten percent of my class with nearly straight A's. I was also influenced by the culture and sense of community in Florida; where I learned to really push myself in sports like cross county, and became a self-taught guitarist. I was driven to work hard simply because I did not want to become another person who did nothing with their life from Cedartown.

This drive makes me the perfect fit for the University of Florida in its goal to achieve academic excellence. I want to become apart of the Gator Nation that I have seen everywhere I go. In particular I want to take advantage of the prestigious Warrington College of Business Administration, and work on Management and Economics. As a student I offer academic integrity, responsibility, and a strong work ethic. I also have a desire to participate, and look forward to intramural sports, such as flag-football and swim team, service clubs, and even Greek life. On top of the strong academics, I love the campus of UF. For me it is the ideal setting with a big town and population that allows for diversity, but smaller than a big city so you can still get that personal feel and sense of community. This became evident on my last trip to the campus, and further confirmed why UF is my first choice hands down. I look forward to my next big move down I-75 to my new home at the University of Florida in Gainesville.

Thanks for any help!

shofa_nefertete 12 / 35  
Sep 22, 2010   #2
Better flow and substantiation of every topic sentence.

A good closure will surely seal the deal.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Sep 25, 2010   #3
You are smart. A username that is a call to action is something that can be very useful online... I think I'll learn from your example and create usernames that intriguingly compel people to take action.

I came to the conclusion that Cedartown had not been not what where I wanted to be.---- maybe it is better this way? I'm not sure, maybe you were trying to say it was not WHAT you wanted to be... but it seemed strange, like a typo.

I was driven to work hard simply because I did not want to become another person who did nothing with their life from Cedartown. ----- Wow, this is a rough review! It might be good to add a sentence near the beginning that specifies that a particular part of the local culture to which you'd been exposes was particularly complacent and apathetic about education and that it is this particular group that represents what you do not want to be. That way, it won't be slandering a whole town; no matter how bad the place was, you might be better off not generalizing across the whole town.

You have a real talent. Like the username thing, you did this thing at the end of the essay that makes me really experience part of your life... that drive down I-95 is a great way to end this... pretty impressive! I hope you check out EssayForum Contributor Page and also I hope you use your writing talents in the epic battle of good vs. evil in America!
OP skimonawhim 1 / 1  
Sep 26, 2010   #4
Thank you both for your input.

@shofa nefertete-I worked on the sentence flow some more, it was slightly limited due to the maximum word count.

@EF Kevin- thanks for the compliment on the username, and i noticed the typo after I posted it. I also have realized that I have been to critical on Cedartown, and I am trying to lift it up a little bit more now.

Thanks for your time and help.

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