Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
The last two paragraphs are interchangeable, i just don't know which one i like better.
Being shy as a child, I was never one to get out in front of group or be very outgoing in front of people I did not know. I normally stuck with my group of friends and was terribly afraid to branch out in new directions. One would have categorized me as a follower, defiantly not a leader and I probably would have stayed this way for most of my life if it were not for my brother's idea to join kung fu. Now, after doing kung fu for over five years, my attitude has been forever changed from all of the wonderful opportunities that have presented themselves to me.
Out of everything that kung fu has given me, the leadership opportunities would be the most significant one to my life. After doing kung fu for two years I was allowed to join the instructor trainee program where, along with accelerated training, I was learning the system in and out so I could become a certified instructor one day and finally be a leader. In this program, I assisted with the instructors who were running the class, allowing me to gain valuable teaching and leadership experience. Naturally this position was uncomfortable for me at first but after another two year journey and over 400 hours of teaching others, I came to love it. Now as an instructor I get to teach others through my passion for kung fu, and also help trainee's to reach their goal of becoming an instructor as well.
*Teaching kung fu has made me a much better martial artist because in order to teach something I must have a strong understanding of the material and how it works. Besides helping me become a more outgoing person, I have also learned so many other valuable lessons that I would have probably never been exposed to had I spent my days watching TV or playing video games. I have learned to stay hopeful through defeats and humble through victories. I have traveled to competitions all around the world meeting new people and observing different cultures. I have learned to set strong goals and use my imagination to help get where I need to be. Through my newly found outgoing nature I have met so many amazing people, including my best friend, who have had great influences my life. Kung fu helped me break out of my shell because I am so extremely passionate about it that I want to share with everyone so that maybe, they too, can find their passion in martial arts.
*Had I spent my days watching TV or playing video games then I never would have become the person I am today but through all the many lessons that kung fu has taught me I have truly become a better person. I have learned determination through all of the tough times when it felt as if I was only set up to fail. I have gained much better people skills and acceptance of others through teaching students on a daily basis. I have learned to stay humble through victories and hopeful through defeats, and to have the confidence to always get back up and try again. But most of all I feel that the leadership skills I have gained have helped me the most in my life by helping me break out of my shell. My passion for kung fu has made me want to share with others so that maybe, they too, can find their passion in martial arts and learn as much as I have.
Good afternoon :)
After reading your piece, I like the first paragraph better. I like its structure and its flow more. Good job!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thanks so much! i added another short piece in. could you let me know of any grammar errors you see? is it boring? Thanks again!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Being shy as a child, I was never one to get out in front of group or be very outgoing in front of people I did not know. I normally stuck with my group of friends and was terribly afraid to branch out in new directions. One would have categorized me as a follower, defiantly not a leader and I probably would have stayed this way for most of my life if it were not for my brother's idea to join kung fu. Now, after doing kung fu for over five years, my attitude has been forever changed from all of the wonderful opportunities that have presented themselves to me.
Out of everything that kung fu has given me, the leadership opportunities would be the most significant one to my life. After doing kung fu for two years I was allowed to join the instructor trainee program where, along with accelerated training, I was learning the system in and out so I could become a certified instructor one day and finally be a leader. In this program, I assisted with the instructors who were running the class, allowing me to gain valuable teaching and leadership experience. Naturally this position was uncomfortable for me at first but after another two year journey and over 400 hours of teaching others, I came to love it. Now as an instructor I get to teach others through my passion for kung fu, and also help trainee's to reach their goal of becoming an instructor as well.
As I became more and more at ease with meeting new people and trying new things I became more involved at my school. I joined several clubs that were involved in community service and others topics that interested me. After much time in a leadership position I realized that it something that I really enjoyed and was also good at, so I took on the task of running for an ASB leadership position at school. I won the election, giving me the chance to have another wonderful leadership opportunity and to meet amazing new people with interests similar to mine.
Teaching kung fu has made me a much better martial artist because in order to teach something I must have a strong understanding of the material and how it works. Besides helping me become a more outgoing person, I have also learned so many other valuable lessons that I would have probably never been exposed to had I spent my days watching TV or playing video games. I have learned to stay hopeful through defeats and humble through victories. I have traveled to competitions all around the world meeting new people and observing different cultures. I have learned to set strong goals and to always keep them in my sight. Through my newly found outgoing nature I have met so many amazing people, including my best friend, who have had great influences my life. Kung fu helped me break out of my shell because I am so extremely passionate about it that I want to share with everyone so that maybe, they too, can find their passion in martial arts.
This is a nice essay. I would like to mention that Dr. Yang Jwing Ming has important things to teach about the internal arts and Chi Kung! Look for him on the Internet.
:)
Now, to improve your essay, look at each paragraph and try to convey the same messages in fewer words.
Change this: after doing kung fu for more than five years...
Now, look again at this question: What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Perhaps, you can intrigue the reader by writing about the universally applicable principles you learned in Kung Fu: decisiveness, fluidity, rhythm, power. You can write this essay with rhythm that is powerful, too. Write one, powerful, rhythmic sentence that encompasses the way that your training has affected who you have become. What does it mean? What did this experience of empowerment mean?
Good luck!!
