Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

This is a very rough draft. It lacks a lot of essential things I am aware of that but it would be helpful if I can know what to add or take out to make it more intriguing as a transfer student. This is sort of a general outline in the direction that I would want to go towards at. thank you.

My intended major is Mathematics. It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college and eventually my career choice. Throughout high school and my freshman year in college I was always in a constant debate with myself on the type of major I would choose; but one day I took the time to actually think about what I wanted and through this thinking process I became aware on the subject I was definitely most passionate about. As I looked back, it was clear to see that my interest in Mathematics developed throughout the years at a very slow rate but my passion for it was there.

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Okay, you essay threw me through a loop there. You have obviously been taking your ideas for the qualifications of a forensic analyst from the CSI programs rather than real life. A forensic analyst needs to be interested in more than just Math. Math is just the tip of the iceberg. Also, since Math is not going to be your major, why are you even discussing it? You should be discussing Forensic Analysis instead and how your passion for that field of science developed. If it evolved from watching crime shows, then mention that.

Forget everything that you talked about in this essay relating to Math. It is not your chosen major, Forensic Analysis if the career path you have chosen and your essay should reflect that. I have come across 2 websites that should be able to help you write a stronger essay pertaining to the development of your interest in Forensic Analysis. Consider the requirements listed on the page of the job profile a thttp://careerplanning.about.com/cs/occupations/p/forensic_tech.htm as your guide towards developing your essay. Other helpful websites include work.chron.com/education-required-become-forensic-scientist-14661.html and work.chron.com/personal-qualifications-qualities-forensic-scientist-9508.html . Just cut and paste the url's into your new browser window in order to access these pages.

After you read the requirements for a degree in Forensic Analysis, you will realize why discussing math in your paper , specially on such a shallow level of understanding and usage, will not help your application. You need a science related bachelor's degree, masteral, or doctoral degree in order to enter this field.

Okay I am a Math major and like I said this a rough draft and I have done my research and information posted about forensic analyst is from an actual forensic analyst I guess I should have expanded on possibly getting my masters in Science but I read that a Math degree can be a useful step towards this career choice. AnywAys, if that last paragraph throws off the whole essay then I wouldnt mind eliminating it , my question now is how can I expand on what I have already written according to the prompt...thank you

Throw out the last paragraph referring to Forensic Analysis. Stick to only the Math part and develop your concluding paragraph around that. I will try and help you polish the essay some more :-)

- Don't mention anything that may be connoted negatively by the admissions officer. In this case, the succeeding sentences painted you in a negative light as a student who could not decide upon your future. You need to prevent such an image. Showing instead an image of a wise and analytical person who knows what is necessary in life and how to get it. That is an image further strengthened by the inclusion of the next paragraph into this one.

- ... by choosing a path that would instead lead me to financial stability rather than the path of learning something I enjoyed.

- I advise deleting any references or sentences that do not help the essay improve its content. Keep only the major references that help enhance your image as a student in high school.

- Since you mentioned applying for the scholarship, let us know if you won it. If you did not win it, then don't mention it. Remember, keeping your image positive is very important in these application essays.


This is the edit that I have come up with so far. Let's see how the revision instructions affect the next version of the paper and if you have any additional information to include after we removed the paragraph about becoming a forensic analyst :-)

thank you for your help. The most basic reason why I chose math is because I truly enjoy it and its quite difficult to make an essay like this sound more appealing since I haven't done much quite yet in area of math just what I stated above. I will take your advice into consideration and hopefully come up with more ideas that will be helpful for useful use. Once again, thank you.

[bI ]tried to fix my personal statement from the advice you offered. I'd appreciate it if you can take a look at it and help me out again, my English writing skills aren't that great so maybe polishing it a bit so it can sound better would be nice as well. Thank you.[/b]

I think this type of introduction is used too often... so it's better to come up with some alternative idea, rather than saying, 'I have always been, etc...'

You can say:
When I was in middle school, the concepts in math class became more complicated and I was suddenly intrigued! --- or something like that. It might be better for catching the reader's attention.

It is highly unlikely that your reader will be a math person who finds the details interesting. : ) I suggest moving some sentences about helping others with their math closer to the beginning of the essay. What I mean is: I suggest removing some less-than-necessary sentences from the first paragraph and making room to replace them with sentences about the idea of applying your math knowledge for the practical benefit of others.

I like this sentence a lot:
that it was a subject I truly enjoy; it can be difficult and time-consuming, but I find...
Above, I made a few minor suggestions involving a comma and a hyphen.

You seem really intelligent and motivated, and I bet this essay will get a good response!

I would appreciate it , if someone could polish this essay for me thank you or give me any other type of advice.

Azucena, the essay works better now. However, there are certain portions that you can still develop. I refer in particular to your involvement in the scholarship. After you mentioned that you won the scholarship, you did not elaborate on how it helped you develop further in your interests or how it helped you achieve academically. As scholarship is normally a highly defining moment in a student's life that often dictates a transition from one point of his life to the next. Is there any chance that you can discuss something unique about yourself that developed through the scholarship? It is a pivotal moment in your life, an academic achievement that you should be very proud to discuss :-)

- Math helped me grow...


- ... I had to participate in...



- ... seniors who showed ...


- There is something wrong in the way you are expressing your intentions in this sentence. Can you tell me what it is that you are truly trying to say and I will do my best to put it into the proper word format? You were in high school at the time, so how did the scholarship help you buy college supplies?

The announcement of the winners was given late May of my senior year and the dinner ceremony was held in June after I graduated, Class of 2013. So therefore once my award was given to me in June I used that money for supplies that I would use later that August for Fall 2013. I am currently a sophomore in college. Hopefully that clarifies a few things.

That certainly explains a lot about the scholarship award Azucena. I suggest that you clarify that point in your essay because right now, there is a gap between winning the award in high school and your college needs. Insert the sentence right after you mention winning the award so that the reader will know exactly why and how the prize helped you in achieving your college dreams. That is the only paragraph that you need to fix in this whole essay as far as I can tell. We might be able to adjust the essay some more after you add this sentence. Just so we can be sure it flows well with the rest of the essay :-)

I am really liking how my essay is turning out but I feel that it lacks some of that polishing. I am trying to get my point across in a very positive away but my writing skills still aren't as advanced. If any one can try and help revise my paper that will be highly appreciated it thank you.

I decided to become a Math major because as I looked back in my life I realized that it was a subject I truly enjoy; it can be difficult and time-consuming, but I find it fascinating how math just simply works. It's not only my favorite subject but it has opened up a lot of opportunities that I will be forever grateful for because I learned a lot from these experiences. They helped me grow as a person as I started to take risks I normally wouldn't take, as I was once a very shy girl.

When I was younger I only participated in math related activities since it was the subject I felt the strongest in, but there was one particular program that took me out of my regular comfort zone.

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Hi Azucena :-) Listen, I have read enough versions of your essay to consider myself quite familiar with the points of discussion in it. I might be able to piece together a template for you to follow with regards to writing your essay is you can tell me what the point you are trying to make is. My idea is to take what the essence of your point is and then recreate it for you in a way that you will be able to easily use it as a guide for your own version of the essay. If you can tell me, in number format, the exact points you want to get across, I might be able to help you come up with something that will work for this essay. Get the list of information to me as soon as you can and I will try to come up with something for you as soon as possible :-)

1) I want to briefly state why I like math so much and the passion I have for it. I feel these points come across in my introduction and conclusion.

2) I describe how being in the Mathletes has developed my interest in math
3) I describe how being in the Jaime Escalante Program has developed my interest in math
4) As well as tutoring
a. These opportunities I took advantage of were when I was a lot younger, I haven't been able to do much lately with a busy work schedule and trying to pass all my classes. I want to elaborate more on how just because I haven't done much doesn't mean I am not capable of pursuing my dream or that I am just picking a major without any more interest.

5) I am more of a talker than a writer, so its difficult at times for me to write what I have to say. To sum it up I just want those who are going to read my personal statement to get the point that I love math, it has opened many opportunities for me in, and its a subject that I am just very comfortable in and its one of my strongest subjects. I like how math is so complex yet so simple.

Hope this helps.

I feel this would be my final draft. I used some of the work you provided for me and I incorporated in my essay. As of now, I feel content with my essay. Just uploading it online to get some last minute feedback but I don't think I would make any major changes after this. Thank you for all your advice and help I really appreciate it!!

My desire to pursue Math as a major comes from the experiences that have enhanced not only my interest in the subject but the love I already had for it. These experiences allowed me to really grasp the importance of math as it's what drives our world forward. Without Math, commerce would cease to exist and the world as we know it would come to a standstill. Math has been an integral part of my everyday life since I first started school; it has opened a lot of opportunities for me that have helped me grow as a person. I started to see a lot of positive changes in my life.

When I was younger I was never involved in any extracurricular activities, but there was one particular program that took me out of my regular comfort zone. I was in the Mathletes throughout middle school and I had to participate in tournaments that were held around the city, something I wasn't used too. This opportunity really enhanced my math skills, as I was able to learn different methods of solving problems that weren't shown in a regular classroom as they were preparing us for these competitions. Not only did I learn how to improve in my math skills, but I also learned how to become more vocal and how to work well in a team that depended on one another. I feel that these assets that I developed through this educational program have helped me through my academic years and will continue to be beneficial towards my future success.

Another opportunity that I was able to be a part of through my love for math was the Jaime Escalante Program. It was offered only to a few students who were doing exceptionally well in their math classes. It prepared us for the advanced math classes we were going to take the next couple of years and it also opened a chance for me to win a scholarship in high school. I applied for the Jaime Escalante Scholarship, which was open for all the seniors who showed how math made a positive impact in their academics. I used the program as an example in my essay since it kept me on track with my classes through high school. The scholarship helped me finance my future college needs as an incoming student through the prize that the scholarship offered.

The most recent volunteer work that I've been a part of in college is tutoring my peers with their math classes. By helping others who were weak in numbers through tutoring, I learned that Math is not just all about numbers. It is about life as well. Math is what drives our world forward. Technological advances, business, even cooking and baking, all require that computations be done and completed accurately for the outcome of the equations to become acceptable and credible. I was able to realize this as I would help my peers work on a problem step by step and if we did a slightest error on any of the steps the rest of the work would be incorrect. In life, in order to get things done right everything else before it has to be correct as well.

My interest and love for Math started to grow immensely throughout the years. I love Math for its simplicity and clarity. It is definite and offers Mathematicians a look at life in a way that other people would not see. We see the beauty of life through numbers and we offer to give back that beauty in a way that those who cannot understand Math can appreciate. I hope to be able to pursue my Math major in the hopes of offering the others in the world an opportunity to see the beauty and value of Math through my eyes.

The combination of my suggestions and your original ideas seems to have worked very well. There are still some last minute edits to apply though :-) A very minor one.


- ... we were going to take over the next couple of years and offered me a chance to win ...

That was the only correction that I felt needed to be applied. Other than that, the essay feels as ready as it can be for submission. Good luck with your application. I hope I was really able to help you perfect the essay and make it suit your needs :-)