Medical Secondary

Hi. Please help revise my short response to a secondary question from Columbia University. Thank you. :)

Prompt: What aspect of the Columbia-Bassett Program has the most appeal for you?

I grew up in a rural village myself, and therefore, I had experienced first-hand the lack of comprehensive health care that often exists in remote areas. I strongly believe that all ill patients deserve quality care, and the greatest potential of medicine is reached only when it becomes boundless. It's inspiring to know that the Columbia-Bassett Program shares the same views. In joining this unique program, I pursue one of my enduring aspirations, which is to make medical care and services equally accessible across socioeconomic boundaries. I'm greatly excited at the prospect of working alongside experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare and devoted classmates of Columbia University to serve the rural community of Cooperstown, NY.

I grew up in a rural village myself, and therefore, I have experienced first-hand the lack of comprehensive health care that often exists in remote areas.

I'm very excited by the prospect...

it is quite nice!

Thank you Simone & Tieuzidane :).
Here's the revision, posted so that others can provide comments & corrections :).

I grew up in a rural village myself, and I have experienced first-hand the lack of comprehensive health care in remote areas. I strongly believe that all ill patients deserve quality care, and the greatest potential of medicine is reached only when it becomes boundless. It's inspiring to know that the Columbia-Bassett Program shares the same views. In joining this unique program, I pursue one of my enduring aspirations, which is to make medical care and services equally accessible across socioeconomic boundaries. I'm very excited by the prospect of working alongside experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare and devoted classmates of Columbia University to serve the rural community of Cooperstown, NY.

Ooo Columbia. Cool, I did not quite make the cut last year. I take it you are applying Early Decision then.

'I grew up in a rural village myself, and I have experienced seen first-hand the lack of comprehensive health care in remote areas.
^I assume you meant 'see'. If it was an experience, then perhaps you should talk about it. But then again, Columbia doesnt offer much character/word space.

I strongly believe that all ill patients deserve quality care, and the greatest potential of medicine is reached only when it becomes boundless.
^I do not get that second part. How can it ever be reached, if it is boundless?

It's inspiring to know that the Columbia-Bassett Program shares the same views. In joining this unique program, I pursue one of my enduring aspirations, which is to make medical care and services equally accessible across socioeconomic boundaries.

^Will the Columbia Basset Program alone help you do that. Also, it is such a huge task, can just this program make it possible?

I'm very excited by the prospect of working alongside experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare and devoted classmates of Columbia University to serve the rural community of Cooperstown, NY.'

^You see, here you just mention one rural area. Before you said 'across socio economic boundaries'.
Also, if you have seen poor health care in your remote rural village, I would have expected that place to have been a higher priority, especially if it was

'an experience'

I understand that when doing these essays, 'Why Us', etc, it does require one to compliment that university and program. However, I got the impression that your approach to this essay was 'What does Columbia want to hear?' rather than 'What does Columbia want to hear about me?'

My two cents.

Where are you attending now? :)

How is joining the program going to allow you to do this? Answering this question in your essay might be a good idea, and would address some of Liebe's most important concerns.

I was assuming that this is the nature of that particular program. If so, then you can assume the readers know the nature of their own program, but if not, you will have to take Sean's advice.

Thank you! I will try to answer the question more directly & will repost here. :)

It is well written. It has nice flow, strong verbs, and your word choices make sense.

I would add the words in Vietnam after rural village because it gives the reader a better mental image of your experiences with health care in a remote area. As it stands, the reader might conjure images of a wind-swept farm in North Dakota or a backwater bayou of Louisiana. The word in Vietnam tell the reader just a little bit more about yourself.

I would take out the word ill before patients. Patients need preventative, prenatal, on-going, and well care in addition to treatment when they are ill. Even if this program focuses on ill patients, the word is better off omitted.

You talk about growing up in a rural village and about providing health care in a program serving rural America, but then you say you want to serve all socioeconomic classes. Is the program designed to reach low-income people in rural areas or all income levels in remote locations? Throwing socioeconomic in there might confuse the reader. The mission of the program is to develop doctors to serve remote areas and I'd stick to that and omit any reference to socioeconomic status.


I'd take out the part about devoted classmates. Sure, working alongside classmates can be exciting, but that is not why you are applying for this program. You are applying because you want to glean knowledge from the experienced physicians on the Bassett Healthcare team and serve the rural community of Cooperstown. I am thinking that you ought to spell out New York here. It is more formal that way.

Did you see this press release on the program you are applying for? (Yes, I am a geek like that and wanted to learn more about the particular program).

cumc.columbia.edu/news/press_releases/090511ColumbiaBassett. html

At one point it says that they are particularly interested in candidates that come from rural areas (because they are more likely to serve in rural areas after their training). It also talks about how the "longitudinal care" of patients is very different from traditional training that provides more of a "snapshot" than the big picture. I would play up this unique aspect of the program. Show that you really understand what kind of program this is and how it fits with your future goals. Speaking of which, if you want a future working in a rural or remote area, state it!

Liebe has some good advice. Tell Columbia what they want to hear about YOU. Why does this program hold interest for you? How can you fulfill the program's desire to recruit people from rural backgrounds and train doctors to serve the future needs of remote areas? I see Libe's point about the word boundless. What if you changed it to accessible or accessible to all? Money isn't the only issue in availability of health care and the focus of this particular program is on rural care.

Please let us know when you get accepted! Your essays have provided me with a little insight into your life and I am interested in the outcome.

Thank you Notoman. I am currently working on the secondary questions, revisiting them & answering them more directly. I thank you for your advice, and I will definitely keep you up to date :). I submitted my application for Washington University in St. Louis already :)! I just received my secondary from Duke.

Thank you for your caring contributions, as well as the help from others, during this hectic period of my life haha.

I was thinking more along the lines that you should let the readers know that you understand the nature of the program and have a clear notion of what you will gain from it.

Hi. Here is my revision :). Please help correct it and/or provide comments. Thank you.

Prompt: What aspect of the Columbia-Bassett Program has the most appeal for you?

I had grown up in a rural village in Vietnam and experienced first-hand the lack of comprehensive health care in rural areas compared to inner cities. Unfortunately, there is also a wide gap between urban and rural health care systems in America. In joining the Columbia-Bassett Program, I pursue a medical education that would allow me to apply medical knowledge and skills in daily clinical practice to treat patients from underserved rural communities. I look forward to learning rural medicine and hope to continue providing medical care and service to rural residents during my professional practice. I'm very excited to join hand with experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare to improve the health care systems of rural communities in upstate New York.

Content-wise you are on the right track. You just need to revise the grammar a bit:

"I had growngrew up in a rural village in Vietnam"

"In joining the Columbia-Bassett Program, I will pursue a medical education that will allow me to apply medical knowledge and skills in daily clinical practice to treat patients from undeserved rural communities." "Undeserved" doesn't really work here. Revise.

"I'm very excited to join hands with experienced physicians"

You mean "underserved" -- right? That's common lingo among those doing the kind of work you want to do. Keep it.

Unfortunately, there is also athis wide gap between urban and rural health care systems also exists in America. In joining the Columbia-Bassett Program, I will pursue a medical education that will allow me to apply medical knowledge and skills in daily clinical practice to treat patients from undersevered rural communities.

^In Vietnam or America. You talk about Vietname in the first sentence, so I get the impression that this has motivated you to want to learn about medical practice. Then you talk about America. So which one do you want to help?

*Btw guys, is it a 'medical education'??

I look forward to learning rural medicine and hope to continue providing medical care and service to rural residents during my professional practice.
^
Pardon my ignorance, but can one actually study 'rural medicine' and 'urban medicine'?
*Continue providing medical care? Make sure that that part is only included if you are already doing something. If not, then revise your grammar, because otherwise, it can be quite misleading.

I'mI am very excited to join hand withthe experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare to improve the health care systems of rural communities in upstate New York.

^K, so I guess you are not going to help Vietnam.
I am not sure, but does that not seem a bit insensitive. You have actually 'experienced' a lack of health infrastructure in your remote rural village in Vietnam. You have not, however, 'experienced' the rural American health care system. Yet, you would prefer to donate your time to America? Even though the Vietnamese rural communities would probably be in more need of qualified doctors?

I do not want you to get the impression that I am questionning your morality or decency here, however, I am questioning as to why you would even mention the Vietnam part. It kind of prepared me to hear something personal about you and your willingess to improve something that you have 'experienced' and something that your sentiments are not very positively expressed towards.

Also, why would you only focus on upstate New York? Perhaps, you can develop your reasons for this?
See what other people think. And yea, guys, is 'medical education' the right term here?
Good luck vietfun2k

Whoops. I misread the original. Yes, underserved works.

Yes, underserved not undeserved! Thank you to all. To Liebe: I believe rural medicine & medical education are both appropriate terms. Also, my aspiration is to work with rural America because of the opportunities here compared to Vietnam. It's hard squeezing in everything haha! I will try to make it more clear in the next revision. Thanks!

It's funny, actually. When I posted the sentence with "underserved" in it order to make the other grammatical corrections, the word got underlined by the spellchecker, which doesn't like compound words. I just automatically used the auto-correct to "fix" it without really thinking. This highlights the dangers of relying too much on technology, which can lead to a certain amount of mental laziness.

Yes, in addition to not catching homonym errors, spell checkers sometimes mark correctly spelled words as errors. I've noticed this not only with compound words but also with new or rarely used words. I don't know how many words I've taught my spell checker -- a lot! (By the way, mine flags "spellchecker" as incorrect.)

Primatologists! That's a real, correctly spelled word that I just used in something I'm writing only to have the spell checker flag it as incorrect.

Spellcheckers aren't very bright. Even when they do correctly flag a word as misspelled, they can usually only suggest the correct spelling if you are off by a single letter. If you are off by two, then it gives up.

Hi. Any final correction before submission: :)

What aspect of the Columbia-Bassett Program has the most appeal for you?
Enter your response in essay format. LIMIT WRITING TO 750 CHARACTERS. Do not use return or enter.

My childhood upbringing in rural Vietnam, where I experienced a lack of comprehensive health care, has inspired me to offer outreach to medically underserved communities. I am interested in the Columbia-Bassett Program because of the opportunity to provide clinical care to patients from rural areas, thus helping close the gap in health care inequality between urban and rural America. Besides enjoying the tranquility of nature and simplicity of rural life, I will be able to practice fundamental assessment skills and clinical reasoning to diagnose and treat patients, without overly relying on medical technology. I look forward to working alongside physicians at Bassett to improve the quality of and access to health care in rural communities of New York.

Beautiful! Your hard work on revisions payed off. This is short, sweet, and to the point.

Thank you Simone.

Yep. Your essay are normally fairly strong to being with, and with your commitment to revising them as strenuously as possible, you were bound to end up with an excellent finished product.