Hey Guys,
I just finished the first paragraph of my Columbia Supplement Essay. I was wondering if you can look it over. Any comments, suggestions, and fixes appreciated. Thanks!
Sitting in Miller Theater for the first time in my life, I was enthralled and energized to finally listen to the Columbia University orchestra. Having heard only good things about it, I knew it would be a satisfying and melodious experience. Needless to say, I was right. The fearlessness with which the maestro, Jeffery Milarsky, conducted the orchestra was exhilarating to watch. Each performer in the orchestra communicated reciprocally with the maestro with a relaxed and focused facade as they played effortlessly with their instruments. The melismas, syncopations, cadences, and modulations were just flawless. As the crowd erupted into a thunderous round of applause at the end of the show, I sat within the confinement of the booming ovation, thinking that Columbia was the ideal university for me, one that met both my academic and artistic needs.
I think this was a great paragraph. It places the reader in your seat, as they were there. There's only one small change I would make:
Each performer in the orchestra communicated reciprocally with the maestro with a relaxed and focused facade as they played effortlessly with their instruments
I would maybe change it to read:
Each performer in the orchestra communicated reciprocally with the maestro, demonstrating a relaxed and focused facade as they played effortlessly with their instruments
hope this helps
Thank you very much for your suggestion! I will make the changes right away =) I am also almost done with my last paragraph so I will post that here soon.
Any other suggestions, changes, and fixes are much appreciated!!
Your writing is phenomenal. It's exciting to read, it plays with the senses.
This is an excellent start. The only changes I would make (apart from the sentence already addressed) would be to the last sentence:
As the crowd erupted into a thunderous round of applause at the end of the show, my thoughts echoed the booming ovation; Columbia is the ideal university for me, one that met both my academic and artistic needs.
I think that makes it a little more powerful, restructuring it and bringing "columbia was" to present tense.
That's just my two cents.
Best of luck!
Thanks guys! I am adding your changes onto my essay!
Just one more sentence to go for the second paragraph.
Okay, here is my second paragraph. Can you guys help me think of a better concluding sentence that can make a powerful impact on the admission's officer? I feel my concluding sentence is really weak. Also, the essay is about 83 characters over the limit so please feel free to shorten it! Thank You! As always, any fixes, suggestions, or changes are appreciated!! =)
Sitting in Miller Theater for the first time in my life, I was enthralled and energized to finally listen to the Columbia University orchestra. Having heard many good things about it, I knew it would be a satisfying and melodious experience. Needless to say, I was right. The fearlessness with which the maestro, Jeffery Milarsky, conducted the orchestra was exhilarating to watch. Each performer in the orchestra communicated reciprocally with the maestro, demonstrating a relaxed and focused stature as they played effortlessly with their instruments. The melismas, syncopations, cadences, and modulations were just perfect. As the crowd erupted into a thunderous round of applause at the end of the show, my thoughts echoed the booming ovation; Columbia is the ideal university for me, one that meets both my academic and artistic needs.
The most appealing aspect about Columbia, to me, is its degree of creative and educational freedom. For a person who is musically inclined, my fascination with music directly ties in with my interests in engineering, and through both a liberal arts (core) and engineering education, I can attain the best of both worlds. Growing up in a musical environment filled with the tunes of Louis Armstrong, the Beatles, and Bob Marley, I am heavily allured to "Music Humanities," a core class at Columbia, as well as the Columbia Glee Club. Though my main focus will be on engineering, I hope to musically diversify the Columbia student body by enrolling in these programs, striving to become both well-rounded and well-versed in various disciplines.
I changed it again and I feel like this new essay represents me even more. Please, if you guys can, take a look at it and correct and grammatical errors. I am still about 14 characters over the limit.
Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why:
I was energized to finally listen to the Columbia University Orchestra in Miller Theater. Having heard only good things, I knew it would be a satisfying experience. Needless to say, I was right. The communication between each performer and the maestro, Jeffery Milarsky, was reciprocal, and the instrumentalists played with a sense of recreation. As the crowd erupted into a thunderous round of applause, my thoughts echoed the booming ovation; Columbia is the ideal university for me, one that meets both my academic and artistic needs.
What I find most appealing about Columbia is the balance of cerebral and secular opportunities that it will offer me. The recently built Northwest Corner Building stands out to me because it bridges all the science buildings, giving me, an imminent chemical engineer, the ability to utilize new laboratories and research facilities that I wouldn't find anywhere else. In terms of academics, Columbia's rigorous core curriculum will permit me to explore a range of subject areas to discover talents in me that I never knew I had. By taking "Art Humanities", I will be able to go to the Museum of Modern Art and analyze paintings painstakingly instead of just eye-balling them. The knowledge of worldly issues that I will garner by taking "Contemporary Civilizations", another core class, will assist me if I'm learning French in Montpelier or researching aquatic life in Antarctica.
The possibilities are infinite and through an education from Columbia, I can only succeed.
satisfying and melodious experience.
At this point, in the beginning, you could be more specific about what you expected based on what you heard. Instead of just saying these two words, which amount to "good," you could tell something about the specific ideas about what was special about it. This will help you lead the reader's thought process.
Oh, I see in the new version, you only include "satisfying," but that is not a specific as it could be. :-)
I like this: paintings painstakingly
The last line is wasted. It is just a generic, nice thing to say. You can use that last line to leave a distinct idea in the reader's mind.
