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'She has been my mentor' - someone who impacted my life



morr_j23 1 / 6  
Oct 17, 2011   #1
Topic: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Everyone has a person they consider to be their role-model, whether it is a famous sports star, an actress, or a favorite teacher. These people influence you and the decisions you make. The biggest influence in my life is someone often taken for granted but always there, no matter how bad things get: my mother, Teresa.

She comes from a long line of educators, whose goal was to teach the world one child at a time through kindness and wisdom. She was often known as the warm compassionate lady you go to if you were having a bad day. I can remember as a first grader, walking into her room, being embarrassed that she was consoling one of my classmates in a rocking chair, who had just taken a tumble down the slide during a rowdy session of recess. Not to say that her emotions effected her educating, though. She knew her purpose was to teach others and did her job well, but never missed an opportunity to demonstrate valuable life qualities along the way.

She was always the peaceful mediator between my brother and I. When we would argue about trivial things that we viewed as life or death situations, she would always come up with a solution that would appease us. If I could eat pizza for lunch, he could ride to town in the front seat. She would settle simple arguments in a way that most people would not have the patience to even bother with. She's one of the most compassionate people I know, and does not let anything discourage her. In times of tragedy, she has always been the unshakeable fortress that others cling to. Having to live through the loss of a brother and a nephew, she is resilient and knows exactly what to say and how to act to comfort others in times of need.

By being such an example herself, she makes me want to be a better person. She has been my mentor for the past 17 years and will continue to be my inspiration in life. She is a source of motivation and a refreshing reminder of a pure heart. She is my mother, my role model, and most importantly, my friend.

Manda4564 1 / 4  
Oct 17, 2011   #2
I think you've done a great job describing how and why your mom is important to yo but I think you should add more to how she has impacted you. I can see why she's a wonderful role model but I think you should add a little something that says how she impacted you on a large scale besides being a great person. What have they done to you specifically to make this person your role model? If that makes sense? lol
adammorton11 1 / 2  
Oct 17, 2011   #3
Everyone has a person they consider to be their role-model, whether it is a famous sports star, an actress, or a favorite teacher. These people influence you and the decisions you make. The biggest influence in my life is someone often taken for granted but always there, no matter how bad things get: my mother, Teresa.

I think your essay in general is pretty good. The one portion I would PERSONALLY take out is this section. Stay away from super general statements as a, well, general rule. They make your essay feel a little cliched.

The essay formatting itself is a LITTLE bit dry, as well.

I enjoyed learning about your mother, but I feel you could have (maybe) showed her characteristics. I suppose a key idea to keep in mind is "show, not tell". By using imagery and actual scenarios, you can engross your reader and make him/her actually feel as though they know your mother.

Other than that, great essay
Jennyflower81 - / 674  
Nov 10, 2011   #4
Nice essay. There are a few things that can be adjusted:

I can remember as a first grader, walking into her room, being mortified that she was consoling one of my classmates in a rocking chair who had just taken a tumble down the slide during a rowdy session of recess. This sentence is a little too long. I am wondering why you were mortified? Maybe surprised is a better word to use.

It is always good to show your family values and morals in an admission essay, just try to refer to your goals in school and in life.

Growing up, my mom was always the peaceful mediator between my brother and I. You are starting a new paragraph here so you may want to create a main point and begin with that. This is where you wrap up the essay so make sure you emphasize YOU a little more.
theblues 1 / 3  
Nov 14, 2011   #5
I think there may be something wrong in grammar with this sentence: "Holding my hand, walking me to the door of Mrs. Stewart's kindergarten classroom, I was afraid."

Apart from this, I thoroughly enjoy reading your essay :) It's a very good piece of writing :)


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