my essay is about the common app essay prompt 4
and I believe I need some feedbacks for what I wrote
Describing a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you.
Over the metal door, there is a world of darkness and silence. The floor is paved in green with metal frames sticking out. There are piles of snow and ice everywhere. There I can see the whole school which is undesirable for an acrophobic person like me. Actually, the conditions make it the most forbidding place in school.
However, I can't stop coming to this place. With a 20kg metal container in one hand, I open the door and navigate through the absolute darkness. Cold breeze of -10 degrees Celsius brushes my ear. I walk to the very end where I put my load. As I look up to the sky, there shine the stars which enchant me to return to this dormitory rooftop. The stars in the sky are like shattered gems shining and sparkling on top of a black fabric. With them shining, and in this very rooftop, I am in full contentment.
It hasn't been the same from the start. I observed the stars in other places including the school yard, parking lot. It was all low, in height, and warm which made me observe the stars comfortably but there were some shortcomings. The streetlights and the lights from school buildings were making the stars dim. I wandered every place in the yard to find where the lights won't show. Since the lights were meant to show everywhere, my work was brought to naught. I also thought of turning off the street lights which was reckless.
The inevitable way was to go up. As I headed toward the uncomfortable, cold, high places, the view became better and pleasurable. As I reached the coldest and highest place in school, the place was uneasy than ever before. The cold breeze, slippery ice, foot-long metal beams were not there to greet me but to push me to the very end of the discomfort zone. However, as I spent some time there, the environment slowly changed into a comforting place. Now, with stars shining on top, the rooftop is where I find myself content.
I always knew the phrase that magic happens when you move out from the comfort zone. This phrase became very apparent as I did night sky observations. I have to move myself out from the warm, bright interior to the cold, dark exterior. I can't see any stars if I don't leave my bright 23 degrees dormitory room. This experience also changed my school life. I have always remained in the comfortable high school level physics and astronomy classes in school and didn't try to listen to any other courses. From second grade, I listened to diverse courses like computer science, economics, environmental science, and chemistry stepping out from my comfort zone and expanded my knowledge. I also tried for Olympiad and photography to expand my knowledge. Whether I get an A or a B, succeed or fail, I try to get out of my comfort zone and challenge what is uncomfortable for me.
It is cold, dark, void and silent. I open the metal container full of metal pieces. As I put together one by one, my body starts to react to the ambience: my fingers and toes turn numb, my face becomes red, and my entire body starts to shiver. However, the magic happens. All the external discomforts change into internal contentment.
I busily rotate the telescope. The Orion is waiting.
and I believe I need some feedbacks for what I wrote
Describing a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you.
Over the metal door, there is a world of darkness and silence. The floor is paved in green with metal frames sticking out. There are piles of snow and ice everywhere. There I can see the whole school which is undesirable for an acrophobic person like me. Actually, the conditions make it the most forbidding place in school.
However, I can't stop coming to this place. With a 20kg metal container in one hand, I open the door and navigate through the absolute darkness. Cold breeze of -10 degrees Celsius brushes my ear. I walk to the very end where I put my load. As I look up to the sky, there shine the stars which enchant me to return to this dormitory rooftop. The stars in the sky are like shattered gems shining and sparkling on top of a black fabric. With them shining, and in this very rooftop, I am in full contentment.
It hasn't been the same from the start. I observed the stars in other places including the school yard, parking lot. It was all low, in height, and warm which made me observe the stars comfortably but there were some shortcomings. The streetlights and the lights from school buildings were making the stars dim. I wandered every place in the yard to find where the lights won't show. Since the lights were meant to show everywhere, my work was brought to naught. I also thought of turning off the street lights which was reckless.
The inevitable way was to go up. As I headed toward the uncomfortable, cold, high places, the view became better and pleasurable. As I reached the coldest and highest place in school, the place was uneasy than ever before. The cold breeze, slippery ice, foot-long metal beams were not there to greet me but to push me to the very end of the discomfort zone. However, as I spent some time there, the environment slowly changed into a comforting place. Now, with stars shining on top, the rooftop is where I find myself content.
I always knew the phrase that magic happens when you move out from the comfort zone. This phrase became very apparent as I did night sky observations. I have to move myself out from the warm, bright interior to the cold, dark exterior. I can't see any stars if I don't leave my bright 23 degrees dormitory room. This experience also changed my school life. I have always remained in the comfortable high school level physics and astronomy classes in school and didn't try to listen to any other courses. From second grade, I listened to diverse courses like computer science, economics, environmental science, and chemistry stepping out from my comfort zone and expanded my knowledge. I also tried for Olympiad and photography to expand my knowledge. Whether I get an A or a B, succeed or fail, I try to get out of my comfort zone and challenge what is uncomfortable for me.
It is cold, dark, void and silent. I open the metal container full of metal pieces. As I put together one by one, my body starts to react to the ambience: my fingers and toes turn numb, my face becomes red, and my entire body starts to shiver. However, the magic happens. All the external discomforts change into internal contentment.
I busily rotate the telescope. The Orion is waiting.