Miami International University of Art & Design; be part of the fashion industry

I'm trying to apply at the Ai-Miami International University of Art and Design.

The prompt is : "Why should you be admitted to the program of your choice at MIU?"
and "How do you expect your education at MIU to help attain you career goal?"

It has to be 150 words and I have 213. Help me please.

This is all I have so far but I'm not sure if it's good enough.

For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to be part of the fashion industry. I didn't know exactly what field could provide me with what I was looking for all I knew is that it had to involve fashion. It wasn't until I came back from a recent trip that I realized Fashion Merchandising offered all the things I'd had long been searching for and who knew that all those hours spent on the computer trend-spotting and looking at clothes was my future hidden in disguise. It has been a great help for me to keep up with the latest fashions giving me ideas of combining clothes and adding that to my daily wardrobe. I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I accomplish my goal and that is why I believe I should be admitted to the program. I would apply myself because the learning environment is beneficial to my studies. In a few years from now I can see myself becoming a successful fashion buyer for stores such as Zara and Charlotte Russe. I believe that AI-Miami will provide me with the education I need in order to fulfill my goal and provide a life changing experience.

Hello! Below is a revision that might help to break up your ideas. Also if I were you I would provide more detail on why fashion? What appeals to you? You say "All I knew is that it had to involve fashion."" But you never really explained what about fashion appeals to you. Then you say "I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I accomplish my goal and that is why I believe I should be admitted to the program." but you don't really say what you're goal is until later in the essay. So I would explain what your goal is before saying this sentence.

I didn't know exactly what field could provide me with what I was looking for. All I knew is that it had to involve fashion.

I hope this helps! Also if you wouldn't mind providing feedback on the following essay that would be great! Thanks!

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/nyu-supplement-bri ng-person-special-place-18233/

So your saying I should re-arrange some sentences so it can make more sense?

Kind of. I get what you are saying; however, before talking about your goals you need to introduce what your goals actually are before you start referring to goals.

For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to be part of the fashion industry. I didn't know exactly what field could provide me with what I was looking for all I knew is that it had to involve fashion. It wasn't until I came back from a recent trip to ________ that I realized Fashion Merchandising offered all the things I'd had long been searching for. Wh o knew that all those hours spent on the computer trend-spotting and looking at clothes represented my future hidden in disguise? It has been a great help for me to keep up with the latest fashions giving me ideas of combining clothes and adding that to my daily wardrobe. I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes --- very good!!

I wanted to make some small changes that you see above, but this essay is sincere and persuasive.
Notice that I cut those boring sentences from the start!!! :-)

Yeah , I was really unsure about the beginning thank you so much for your help.

I feel as though it could use more details. What do you think I should add?

Well, take out the "empty" sentences like this . I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I accomplish my goal and that is why I believe I should be admitted to the program. Add sentences that tell about your outlook on life. Why fashion instead of law or medicine?

You must have an interesting personal philosophy if you choose fashion. After all, you have so many other options. Make the reader understand your view of fashion. Why is it meaningful? Is it superficial? I challenge you! Make an argument that fashion is the ultimate career.

Wow good luck!