'milestone in our life' - Babson Supplement, a letter to your first-year roommate

Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him or her what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college:

Dear Roommate,

We finally made it. We reached a milestone in our life, and it will begin here at Babson College. After four years of endless hard work at school, we can take a deep breath of fresh air. Choosing Babson as my top choice was not hard. It was a college that spoke for it self the minute I began my college search. I ultimately found Babson in the huge book of colleges. It was amazing reading it on paper, but seeing it in person was even more exhilarating. When I visited Babson College for my interview, I knew this was the right place for me. I just sensed it was my home far away from home. I loved walking through the endless fall leaves on the ground, watching students laugh with one another, and seeing them get to class with their books in one hand and their coffee in another. I imagined myself as one of these students, and my inside gut told me that this is where my future will begin. I just want you to know that I am not perfect in any way, shape or form. I may not be president of any clubs or be in the top five percent of my class, but it is no doubt to me or the people who know me that the scholarly pursuit of an education is what I am meant to do. I am looking forward to growing as person, and learning from both the positive and negative experiences that I will encounter. I feel that the Babson was the college made for me and I believe that they will help me transform my goals into reality. I am prepared to begin this journey with you, and we both will need each other's moral support. Life will me won't be difficult.

For many college students, living with a roommate in a dorm room or an apartment is one of the most difficult experiences they encounter. After all, sharing space with a friend or stranger is a new experience for most students. Nonetheless, you will not have to worry about living with me. I am everything that a roommate could ask for. Living with me will be a great adventure, and I promise you that it will be nothing but a fun, supportive, and healthy experience. This will be one of the greatest moments in our lives as we will enter a new chapter at Babson. Over the course of four years, I will always be there for you. The transition towards an independent future will be hard for us, but as we will develop our relationship I will always have your back from the beginning. I will become your rock that you can constantly lean on for any reason. I have always been an approachable person, and anything you say or do I will come to your aid if need be. I am very social, so you won't have to come into a lonely quiet room, or fall asleep at night with something on your mind. Instead, you will open the door and find me excited to see you and the one who will end up knowing you inside and out. Just think of this experience as if we are young children first learning how to ride our bikes without training wheels. We will fall down and get back on, but help push you and you will help push me to get one another started on our paths towards success. I am eagerly anticipating the moment I will walk in the room and will meet you. I hope that over these four years that our acquaintance as roommates will blossom into a friendship of longevity.

This is my rough draft, please help me in any way to make it excellent.

First, the positive -- you have a smooth writing style, and are generally upbeat and coherent.

Now, for the things you can change:

"inside gut" = "gut"

"I may not be president of any clubs or be in the top five percent of my class, but it is no doubt to me or the people who know me that the scholarly pursuit of an education is what I am meant to do." Never draw attention to your weaknesses in an application essay unless specifically asked to do so by the prompt.

"Life will me won't be difficult" I assume you mean "life with me"

"After all, sharing space with a friend or stranger is a new experience for most students. Nonetheless, you will not have to worry about living with me. I am everything that a roommate could ask for. Living with me will be a great adventure, and I promise you that it will be nothing but a fun, supportive, and healthy experience. This will be one of the greatest moments in our lives as we will enter a new chapter at Babson. Over the course of four years, I will always be there for you." Given that this is supposed to be a letter to your new roommate, perhaps you should replace the bubbling optimism of this paragraph with a more realistic assessment based on useful details about yourself. Do you like to stay up late? Do you listen to music? If so what type? Are you uber clean, or do you like to think of your floor as a second closet? How will your answers to those questions, and others like them, determine how well you and your roommate get along?

I don't these types of essay prompts at all, but you've done a great job overall. You have a good flow to your writing

"It was a college that spoke for it self the minute I began my college search. I ultimately found Babson in the huge book of colleges."

The latter sounds rather incomplete, even inane.

"Over the course of four years, I will always be there for you" sounds a bit a simplistic and weak on its own.

And try to avoid phrases like "had your back". Try to be a tad bit more formal in your response. Try to clean up some of the diction. By this I mean the placement of your words.

But overall I like it!

Thanks, your comments really opened my eyes. I will fix it, and try to repost it later.