"How Your Mind Works"; Why I want to major in psychology

I remember going to the library and randomly picking up a book called How Your Mind Works. It opened me to new ideas I've never explored before. I took this as a calling and psychology quickly became my passion. But on the day of April 16, 2007, it became something even more. A Korean student named Seung Hui Cho at Virginia Tech University killed 32 students and injured many others before placing the gun to his own head. His story and the event puzzled my mind so much that I often found myself dozing off trying to figure out his motive. How could a seemingly innocent and quiet student like Cho commit such a violent and gruesome act?

When Cho and his family came to America, Cho was overwhelmed by the new environment that he needed to quickly acclimate in. He was often teased by students because of his current inability to speak English at that time, which made his self-esteem very low. It reached the point where Cho now prefers not to speak at all but only talk to himself to gain a little bit of confidence. When Cho heard about the Columbine massacre, he was inspired. He admired the two boys who took total control of the other students' actions and lives. That is when he stood up for himself and plotted his revenge.

As a Korean myself, I felt shame for what Cho had done and even felt pure hatred towards him, but mostly I felt a great sadness. This tragic event could and should have been stopped long before Cho thought about committing such crime. I want to study and work towards understanding cases like Cho's and maybe even prevent these events from happening. It is for this reason, preventing people from hurting themselves or others, that has made me pursue psychology. I want to help an individual like Cho see that there is a light in the dark, and that it is a beacon for help.

*** I feel like I'm not using enough vocabulary. Any suggestions on that? ***

It's good that you mention that you are Korean, as this helps to explain why the Cho incident so deeply affected you. (From what I understand, the Korean American community was particularly transfixed by the incident.)

In general, this essay is very strong. I'd like to see you replace trite phrases such as "light in the dark" and "beacon for help" (which are redundant anyway) with your own unique metaphors.

^I think you can work on a better opening. Something more, interesting perhaps.

^^ this ending too i think should be a little stronger. this seems a little trite maybe?


^ i like the way this is worded btw.


^ i personaly think your using great/enough vocab. its a simple but strong essay. at first i felt you shouldnt mention the korean thing but that was b4 i read on and saw that you too were korean. it make this EVEN more personal. for some reason though, i think you should make the cho story the main reason why you want to major in psycology OR make that the "sign". like say in the beginning youve always had an interest in psychology, but then when that cho incident happened you took that as a sign b.c. as of now, your intro is a little bit weak.

this i think will be a strong entry :D
good luck!

wow.. thanks for all your suggestions and comments!!
I'll definitely try to work on my intro for sure.
I'll post up a newer version later.. thanks again!