Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I'm having a bit of difficulty writing this essay perhaps because I'm kinda misreading it. Do they want us to focus on our current dreams and aspirations only? Cuz what I have done so far is to reflect on how my dreams and aspirations have changed over time since I was a child, a pre-teen and now as a teen as my 'world' changes. eg. different schools, different approach that my family takes. Am I moving off topic or something?
Hi! This is what I've written. Could you help me check if it is relevant? I'm not sure if I focused too much on the description aspect.
Thanks!
"Just like how music morphs over time through the Renaissance period to the twenty-first century, I have changed too due to my evolving spheres of influence. From a child, to a pre-teen, and then a teen, my goals have shifted tremendously.
I come from Singapore - a place where people of different ethnicities congregate. Unity in diversity is what the government advocates and has been entrenched in us since young. However, having studied in a Chinese primary school, learning about racial identity then was rendered unnecessary. Besides, as my father hardly learnt Chinese, I often spoke English at home. Hence, when I was younger, I always considered myself an English by heart and a Chinese by skin. That was when I first had the inkling of going overseas to further my education, or even my life.
As I entered an independent English-based secondary school, I began to realize how narrow-minded I was. After close interaction with my non-Chinese classmates, my ignorance of racial identity was replaced by the eventual acceptance of the existence of different races, especially mine. My school broadened my perspectives and enabled me to appreciate diversity. Then, I wanted to study overseas. This time, it was because I wanted the unique experience of mingling with people from many different nationalities.
Throughout my secondary school years, my parents were also very supportive of me. They always encouraged me to pursue whatever I was interested in. Moreover, as my school is involved in the integrated programme, more time, resources and opportunities were given to us to attempt external activities. Hence, from drafting entrepreneurship proposals, to narrative film-making, to actual music composition and marketing, and to working for a private investment firm, I grew interested in many fields. I was like a jack of all traits, but a master of none, at least not yet. This was when I had the most number of ambitions, when I felt most driven in life to fulfill as many of my goals as possible.
As I advanced to junior college, planning for my future truly began. My school is particularly involved in service, be it for the school or the needy. While I previously saw service as a mandatory requirement, my school made me realize that the purpose of cultivating a spirit of giving is so that other people may feel as contented with life as we do. Thus, I treated my previous interests as hobbies, and decided on pursuing something that would appeal to me yet benefit the community too. Social entrepreneurship became a viable option. Nevertheless, with my flair for Geography, I thought I could delve into the development of the city as well.
Though these new ambitions have not been finalized, I recognize that my school and my family have progressively shaped to become an authentic citizen - someone who cares not only for themselves, but for their fellow residents too. The various stages of my life have been like the distinct movements of a score. Perhaps the only difference is that my score is unfinished, waiting to be completed by future composers who enter my life."
Hi, would it be better if you could describe more about the world you came from? I find that the focus is more about the society you come from.
Yup, just my two cents worth of thought :) Hope it helps..
Maybe you should change this sentence:
Unity in diversity is what the government advocates, so this has been entrenched in us since we were young.
Oh, I am going to give you the same advice I just gave to another member: Read each paragraph and write a sentence that captures the meaning of the paragraph... and tack it onto the beginning of that paragraph. This is how to make strong topic sentences that help the reader follow along.
By using topic sentences, you will really be able to know what you are writing about. What is it that you are writing about, this story of your past? What is your story ABOUT? You certainly have an interesting life.
First, tell the reader the moral of the story in a good intro paragraph.
Second, add good topic sentences to the beginning of each paragraph.
Third, take out unnecessary words and shorten sentences to make it more powerful.
GOOD LUCK!!!
