Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
To see my world, you must also see the people who inhabit it. Some have large roles that are destined to have a lasting influence, while others are no more than a passing glance on a sidewalk. Some have a long story of their own. Others I barely know their names. Whether it's the positive or negative, each and every person in my world makes it complete.
I myself am not a man free from the markings of a life humiliated. Although my parents are divorced, I still have a relationship with my dad. And in the duration of the time that I have been with my father, he has at times chosen to get drunk and verbally abuse me. And from this, one fact has always been prevalent, the people who chose to belittle and berate, who are too consumed with themselves to see that someone doesn't enjoy being hounded at for hours upon end, are some of the most malignant people there are.
After a long time I was diagnosed with depression and it's made me felt out of control of my own life at times. Sometimes I've just wanted to be left alone, isolated from the outside world that has hurt me and many others. But thankfully I've found people who understand that and accept me, flaws and all. And that will always be something that people like my dad can't take away from me. There will always be the fact that there are other people who are broken or scarred in ways just like me, and when you have friends like that your a lot stronger together than you are alone.
At this particular point of this essay, I would like to stop and emphasize exactly how much feeling that someone else is there for me means. The feeling of having a friend is something that since I first felt it, I have wanted people to enjoy what it means to have a friend. Throughout my life (and this essay) I can easily be perceived as morose or pessimistic, I can appear anti-social or cold, but I can assure you that if there is one thing, one universal truth about happiness that I can grasp harder and more thoroughly than anyone is that people need other people.
I've realized, that the only time I've been truly joyous is when I moved away from influence of people who with sinister intent, drive their vile nature deep into the hearts of others. I am tired of people living selfishly, I am tired of people believing that the world is their stage and everyone else is just a supporting character. When people like that thrive, when they belittle others to feel big, when they don't treat people with a basic sense of human kindness that every man, women, and child deserves, it's sickening. To me there is nothing uglier than those spoiled few who chastise and humiliate just to feel something. They are vicious and they are unyielding, and they will cut into people; Not physically, but they do cut deep and leave scars that we all wish we could hide. So then we feel like all we are, all that defines us is our scars. That's why all I ever want to do is help someone. I want to know before I die that my life made someone else's a little better. Even if it just for one person. Whether it's a stranger or a friend, sometimes we just want people with scars that are just like ours.
I'd gladly accept any change,
and please don't feel afraid to tell me if I need to rewrite the entire thing.
But I just need good feedback.
Thank you very much.
Sorry, but I rewrote the last paragraph.
"As much as it pains me to say, my father has been a large influence to who I am. The people we hate, the people who hurt, the people who control, the people who berate, the people who betray, are usually a bigger part of who we are than the people who are good. I was lucky enough to find friends, but I know others aren't as lucky and end up a lot worse off. Which is why if I've always wanted to become a teacher, or a doctor, or someone who can just help others. That is why I chose to get medicated, that is why I chose to try in school, that is why I'm applying for college. If I could go through college and end up in a job where I could at least one person who has been through something close to what I have, then I know I would die happy. Because to me, people who have scars, people who were hurt, just want someone else who has scars just like them."
Good evening.
A few thoughts. First, I know it is hard, but refrain from using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.
Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Instead of "it's," write out "it is."
Avoid beginning your sentences with transitory/conjunctive words such as "and," "but," or "because."
I like the original last paragraph. I suggest adding the bit about becoming a teacher or doctor to help others, but I think the first writing of it is very honest and reflective of your true intent. Really, in the end it's up to you, but I find the first one very revealing and intense.
Overall the piece is very powerful; you write with the conviction of someone who has lived what you are writing, and that is very potent material. Keep writing from your heart and you will do great.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thank you very much,
but if you don't mind me asking,
if I made those changes,
do you think I could get into UC Davis or Merced?
It would mean a lot if you would give me your opinion.
thank you again. :)
I think with those corrections and a little more introspective evaluation as to how this experienced has has shaped your dreams and aspirations, I think it would be a very appropriate submission. Depending on the outcome of the rest of your application process, I think it could definitely be a positive influence in your admission.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thank you so much for your help.
This means so much to hear.
Thank you.
Try avoiding heavy condescension. As far as I know, UCs do not like to see this (it's too negative). They want you to express yourself in a way that does not put off the other side so much as to negate it. If you insist on it then make it light rather than heavy and be sure to defend your argument well.
