Miss Judy Common App

Hi, This is a really really rough draft for my Common App Essay. I was wondering if this was a good topic. I know the essay probably has a lot of typos, grammatical errors, format errors, awkward sentences and not enough details. Any feedback would be appreciated!

To a contemporary dancer, ballet is like the tedious work necessary for a researcher to discover something great. People don't go into research because they love punching in numbers and collecting data. It is the end result that motivates them. Ballet is essential to excellent technique for contemporary. So I bear it, for what I really love.

My first ballet class with Miss Judy was like an audition; as were my second, third, fourth and pretty much every other class. It is my first day dancing with the Advanced Two Ballet Class. I am running late. As I pull on my ballet shoes, I slip quietly into the studio. They are in the middle of a combination so I skitter to the closest barre, joining in. The music ceases and Miss Judy introduces the next combination. Oh yeah, Miss Judy notices everything.

"That barre is too full. Come to this barre. Miss Santos will make room."
Her voice makes my heart quicken. My forehead is damp; it is air conditioned. I run to the barre and go into my fifth position. My eyes are glued to the ground. It is silent for a while, so I glance around, wondering if there is something wrong with the stereo. Miss Judy's piercing brown eyes are drilling a hole through my feet. She comes up right next to me.

"I can park a car between your fifth position. Close them up."
The class is done in what seems like five minutes. I can finally breathe.
My next ballet class I arrive 10 minutes early. I don't want to give Miss Judy any reason to single me out again. I point my toes as hard as I ever have and I make my fifth position so it is tighter than it has ever been. When Miss Judy gives the class corrections, I make her words sink into my brain. Every jete or fondu she demonstrates, I study and memorize.

While doing a combination I stealthily glance at Miss Judy. She is on the other side of the room, overseeing some other students. I begin to relax.

"Miss Granger, You're doing well now that I am near you."
My muscles tense. She's everywhere.
I drift by for a few weeks. I continue to stretch my fingers and put all my energy in every movement. Miss Judy walks by me and I hold my breath.

"I see you. Good Job. You're getting there"
I breathe out. This compliment makes my body tingle. I feel light. Each movement has bounce and even more energy. I walk out of the studio, excited for my next ballet class. Wait, what was that? I am actually excited for ballet? The one dance class that I dread and trudge through? That can't be...

But it is. I grew more in that one year of ballet than I did in the past 4 years. Not only in ballet though, in modern and jazz, my lines were better and my pirouettes were smoother. Never has ninety minutes of ballet just disappeared. The dull and necessary work for contemporary became thrilling. Ballet wasn't a requirement, but an enjoyment.

Miss Judy made me love punching in numbers and collecting data.

What's the essay prompt? A person who influenced you? If so, focus on Miss Judy from the first sentence rather than prefacing your essay with a dissertation on the role of ballet in the preparation of a modern dancer.

I did not get the ending line, even though the two posters above me seem to like it. Is it a girl thing? I was trying to link it to the Introduction, but firstly, as Simone pointed out, that Introduction needs to be replaced. Secondly, 'punching in numbers' is completely different to ballet and I do not quite understand the analogy between the two. Can someone explain it to me?

If this is the influence essay, you do not actually quite talk about, how you have been influenced at all.


^Well, apart from the obvious grammatical errors, I as a reader, can see that how that one compliment made you like ballet. Alright, that is cool.

After that, there is nothing to suggest how Miss Judy influenced you.
If this is the significant experience essay, then...is recieving that compliment the significant experience? Perhaps, you should develop this and tell your readers why it is so meaningful to have heard that one compliment.

Alternatively, if this is a topic of your choice, I do not quite see what message you are trying to send in this essay. I understand that this is your rough draft, but providing a title would have facilitated the feedback process.

****Unless. This is the 'tell us about one of your activities' essay, which in that case, what is the requirement to go into so much depth on Miss Judy. Just focus on the ballet aspect then, and how much you enjoy it.

lol just because "omg" and "<33" were in our reaction does not mean it is a girl thing. LOL. I still find that connection very amusing however.

Basically, ballet is like doing research, it's not fun. The product (which would be data for research and good contemporary dance for ballet) is what makes it all worth it. So she is saying, just like a researcher slogs through their research so they can analyze their awesome data and have a cool theory, she slogged through her ballet so she could do really good dance with good lines and technique and stuff. (But she didn't really slog as Miss. Judy made it a stimulating and engaging experience for her.)

To me that conclusion totally made sense and was the best part about the essay. Which was otherwise also very well written, although it may need to be reshaped to better fit the prompt, if indeed the prompt is commenting on a person who influenced you--which is also another possibility Liebe, for her prompt.

Oh wait but I see from your above post that you knew that. nvm.

^I assumed it is a girl thing, because obviously the writer is a girl, and I figured that you as well as tal105 are also girls.


^Research can be fun.


^Well, research is such a broad term and that is what lead to the confusion. When I heard about punching in numbers and collecting data, I was thinking about standard deviation, actuary etc.

When I read the essay, and came to the end, I wondered if Miss Judy was also a Maths teacher at first. When I reread it, well seeing as how it is in the first paragraph, I made the connection. The fact that I did not remember the first paragraph kind of implies that it can easily be forgotten, and that is possibly due to the introduction mainly being comprised of general statements rather than anything person.

Anyways. This is what I understand. People do not like research and collecting data, but like the end product. (Well, this example in itself is wrong. Financial analysts may enjoy researching and collecting data. What they discover however, are not necessarily products, but rather trends. A trend that fluctuates and needs to be analyzed again. So really, there is no 'finished product'.)

Brendali compares ballet to this. She did not like the 'hard work' of it, but likes the end product?

**Edit


^You could have just edited your post rather than make it obvious to everyone, that I know what I am talking about LOOOL :)

Yeah. If you're a serious dancer you'll take classes in all fields, jazz, ballet etc. Even if your TRUE passion is hip hop, or contemporary, or w/e. Soo, brendali is saying that although she really just wanted to spend all her time doing contemporary (well she did not really say that but let me just assume it for the sakes of explanation), she did ballet so that her technique would be more clean, her lines would be better, while doing contemporary. Ballet gives you that foundation.


Keep in mind that you may be a sole case.


lol this was just a joke. I didn't mean it seriously. I understand why you would think that, and yes I am a girl, and so, probably, is tal105.

Now I saw what you just added to your post. Well you see I thought you had already read my post so rather than deleting I thought I would just add onto it and say the "nvm" bit.

But I am glad that I contributed to your ego.

^Hmmm.


^Absolutely. I am just giving MY opinion.


^Yes, I understood that it was a joke. However, I thought I should just clarify, just so that there are no doubts in the air :)

I figured you gals were girls from your earlier posts. And from your names, which is visible when I click on your username.

It is nice to know that you are glad. Most people regret 'contributing'. Anyways, I would not say that you contributed, it is large enough as it is. :)

I had noticed.


You give people absolutely no room for leeway, even when they are casually clarifying a concept you did not understand. I mean, come on man, I'm not writing a college essay here.

^Wow. I never said, or implied, that you are.

I said 'Hmmm' because you had to explain this, even though you admit that your explanation is based on an assumption, because the writer was not clear in her writing. It is because it was not clear in the first place, that I did not understand the analogy. The 'Hmmm' suggests that perhaps, your explanation has brought up an interesting point. So: 'Hmmm...perhaps now this will make sense. Interesting'.

Hmm also addresses the fact that your explanation is based on your assumption. Therefore, whilst your point may be valid and interesting, it may not have been what the writer is trying to say. So: 'Hmmmm' is this right? Or not?

*Perhaps the onomatopoeia of just 'Hmmm' was unclear when you read it.
Perhaps next time, I will say (Nods head in approval and in interest)

Okay, my bad.

My apologies to everyone for going WAY off topic. Didn't mean it to happen.

Hi! Thank you all for your feedback. I am doing the "Indicate a person that has had a significant influence on you and describe that influence". Sorry I wasn't more specific.

Here is an altered version. Again, Feedback would be really appreciated!

Teaching ballet is Miss Judy's job. She is required to show up every week, as am I. For me, a contemporary dancer, ballet is tedious, but essential. As I progressed in dance, I was required to take an extra ballet technique class. I was assigned to Miss Judy's class and was dreading it; not because of her intimidating presence, but because of the extra ninety minutes of ballet. Moving slowly around to music composed by guys from centuries ago is not my idea of fun. Yet, Miss Judy always kept me, quite literally, on my toes.

My first class with Miss Judy was terrifying. I am at the barre, standing in fifth position. My eyes are glued to the ground. Even glancing at her face makes me nervous. It is silent for a while, so I glance around, wondering if there is something wrong with the stereo. Miss Judy's piercing brown eyes are drilling a hole through my feet. She comes up right next to me.

"I can park a car between your fifth position. Close them up."
The class is done in what seems like five minutes. It may be Miss Judy's responsibility to be in class every week, but it is her passion that causes her to teach attentively.

My next ballet class I arrive 10 minutes early. In class, I point my toes as hard as I ever have and I make my fifth position so tight there isn't even enough room for a tire. Every jete or fondu she demonstrates, I memorize. I finally gather enough courage to look at her face. While I am expecting intimidation, her face is wise and passionate. Her energy radiates to me. She demands her students to try. While executing a combination I stealthily glance at Miss Judy. She is on the other side of the studio, overseeing some other students. I begin to relax. Then I hear her say to a student:

"Miss Granger, You're doing well now that I am near you. I give you a hundred and ten percent, I only expect the same."

My muscles tense. She sees everything. When Miss Judy walks by me, I hold my breath.
"I see you. Good Job. You're getting there"
I breathe out. This compliment makes my body tingle. I feel light. Each movement has bounce and even more energy. I walk out of the studio, excited for my next ballet class. Wait, what was that? How can I actually be excited for ballet? I hate ballet. But, never has ninety minutes of ballet just disappeared like they did with Miss Judy. Her compliments are earned. She has high standards, but motivates you to exceed them. While my enjoyment for ballet will never surpass my passion for contemporary dance, I now appreciate ballet. Miss Judy taught me to enjoy the requirements.

Also: Are these essays supposed to be in the present or past tense? I realize I keep on switching back and forth. Is there one tense that is preferred?

No period after "Miss" except at the end of a sentence.


I enjoyed the dialogue!

^Should be in the past tense, as your are narrating an experience that happened in the past.

*In regards to your essay, you do not quite go into any depth about what you have learnt (not from the ballet classes) from MIss Judy. You do not quite state how she has truly influenced you as a person.

"She demands her students to try.

The revised version is much stronger than your original. While you are to be commended for experimenting with analogies, the one you had in your first one didn't really work.

This is good. I for one, liked the analogy, but since more than one person didn't get it then it's better to chuck it.


I'm not quite sure I would say "guys" here. "People" may work better.


You weren't expecting intimidation on her face, were you? That is what the sentence makes it seem like. Try "While I was expecting *negative adjective for Miss Judy*, her face is wise and passionate". Maybe "severity."


While my enjoyment of ballet will never surpass my passion for contemporary dance, I have learned to truly appreciate ballet. Miss Judy taught me to enjoy "the basics." or, "the essential." (ballet is not a "requirement" for everyone so it is best not to end on an ambiguous note.)

Other than that, great! She sounds like an inspirational and awesome person. I'm starting ballet classes soon, wish I had her. :)

Right. It's always a good idea to test analogies, because an analogy that seems lucid and compelling to you may not be at all clear to others. If one of your test readers just doesn't get it, it's better to either say what you want to say directly or come up with a new analogy (and test that one too.)

i dont understand why u ever took out the part about ms. judy teaching you to love punching in numbers.
liebe is a GREAT contributer to the forum, yes. but, i do think it was great in your essay.
YES i am a girl :D and yes i did love it. <33 <--- like that. because i like how it came together. i really did.

i do not think you should take out the analogy, just tighten it up a bit maybe? if thats the right way to put it. your just really making urself stand out b.c. ur showing that while most ple prolly go to these schools for science and stuff, your interest is ballet. its AWESOME.

please, put it back in.

^ One of the best posts I have ever read on this site. Definitely the best post I have read this August :)


^That is the hard part. Tightening this analogy alone will probably be a lot more work than coming up with a new one, because comparing research and punching in numbers, is pretty much incomparable to ballet. I had explained why earlier.

Also, the writer's style does not make the analogy obvious enough. In my case, as a reader, I was left confused. I thought, what is with 'punching in numbers', is Miss Judy a Math teacher or did ballet have to be mathematically precise? I had to read the essay again to make the connection.( The Admissions Committee will not have time for this.)

**Then again, whilst I made the connection, it didnt quite click. I had to ask for an explanation of the analogy, to which still no one has given a confident explanation..

I am not saying that an analogy should not be included. I do believe that an ineffective analogy, as the one that was used earlier in the essay, should be removed so as to avoid confusion.

LMAOO :D

okayyy, fineee, i give in. ur older, wiser, and such lol.
so yea, find a better one and say "miss judy made me love..."
that would work.
i just get so attached to certain things that i write or that others write that i find it hard when i or he/she has to remove it. its a real problem of mine :(

Well I was only born in 1991, so I doubt I am that old. Wiser, I may agree.


^Heres a saying for you, not word for word but at least how I remember it

'If you truly love something, set it free. If it loves you, it will return. If it does not, it never did'.

XD

Yea, I know what you mean actually. Sometimes, I am led to believe that something is just so perfect. Then, I learn that somebody else does not like it????!?!

WHAT?!?! ITS AMAZING!AHHH IM NOT REMOVING THIS! lol
But then again, what one may find appealing is based on that person's mindset. Something is truly appealing, if it appeals to more than just the creator.

The analogy in original doesn't work because there is too much of a gap between the introduction and the final line. The analogy isn't sustained throughout; it's just mentioned at the beginning and the end of the essay. As a result, the final line reads like a non sequitur, rather than a clever link back to the introduction. The opening part is fine, but the last line falls flat coming so abruptly after such a long time without any reference to the opening analogy.

Also, the analogy fails at the end because it translates roughly as "Mrs. Judy made me love doing something inherently dull." But, the whole point of the essay is that you learned that ballet is not inherently dull. Again, if you had sustained the analogy throughout the essay, so that we knew which parts of studying ballet could be compared to punching in numbers, and in what way, and what parts were like collecting data, and in what way, the analogy could be quite good.