Prompt: What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. [200 to 250 words]
Hello guys could you please critique this essay? Thanks.
I scribble on the white board, first drawing a pendulum, then connecting it to a screw within a coil of wire. Then I add the magnet that travels on the screw. Viola! My "Semi-continual energy generator is complete!" I've always had ideas, and I have my creativity to thank. From ideas of cars running on compressed air to electricity generators that use jet stream winds, my creativity keeps me inundated. I know some ideas are too offbeat or "not plausible" but so was the notion of spaceflight just two hundred years ago (unless you're playing Sid Meir's Civilization). Creativity keeps me at the ready to tackle any situation, stick to your guns they'd say, but thats the way of the old west, I'm sticking with my creativity.
Helen Keller once said: "College isn't the place to go for ideas. " and she's right, Its the place to make your ideas into realities. So I am doubly proud of my creativity because it has given me a bagful of ideas that I can take there, test and realize. Well of course there might be those ideas that are the proverbial bad apples, but hey that's why I am going to college, to learn the knife of knowledge to cut, shape and form my apples into works of art (and to gain the wisdom to throw away others.)
Wordcount : 225
1) Voila! (not viola, the instrument...)
2) maybe a different words than "inundated" should be used. Something about it just seems a little unusual.
3) Creativity keeps me ready...
4) "Stick to your guns," the old saying of the Old West goes. I'm sticking with my creativity.
5) Omit "Well"; just say "Of course"
6) I would advise against quoting Helen Keller directly. Paraphrase the quote, maybe (this is only my suggestion, though)
A pleasant essay overall. My only suggestion would be writing in a more formal tone, if possible.