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At 13 we moved to Cairo; COMMON APP_ Significant experience

MiaB 8 / 25  
Dec 27, 2012   #1
Hello ;

Here's my Common application essay . Please tell me what you think ; and point out any grammar / structure, etc. erros .

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
To respond to this essay, I've chosen to talk about both of my expatriations; that have shaped my identity and contributed a lot to a diversification of my cultural background.

I am Moroccan. I was born in Rabat, and I've lived there and attended Moroccan schools until I've reached the age of 13, when we moved to Cairo. It was such a huge change, because the Egyptian culture is really different from the one I've got used to. Moreover, I've also changed school system, joining the French one. And, even these two cultures are extremely different. My whole world was turned upside down, and I've lost all of my points of reference. Nevertheless, I've learned to adapt to this new way of life, and surpass the language barer because, yes, even the Egyptian Arabic was very different from the Arabic I've learnt and talked until then.

But, I didn't spend more than a year in Cairo when before we've had to move again, but to Tunisia this time. Again, I've had to face a whole new range of habits. If felt like I would be re-living the nightmare. At the beginning, I could only view that new life's negative aspects; I felt like if I was torn away, not only once but twice, from everything I cared about -my friends and family, and bought into this country, where I couldn't even communicate with people outside of my school.

However, a more in-depth and introspective thought made me realize that those years I've spent abroad provided me with such intellectual blossoming that I wouldn't have had if I've spent them all in my home country. This expatriation experience granted me a great cultural diversification. For instance, my 9th grade class was made of students from about ten different citizenships, and this diversity allowed exchanges of great cultural relevance between us. I remember being invited by this Irish friend of mine to taste the traditional Irish Stew, learning to spell Armenian with the help of an Armenian classmate, or me, showing them traditional Moroccan clothing; whereas communicating between each other in French, in the Egyptian territory. How amazing is this cultural intermingling?

Thanks a lot .
LillyCullenT 2 / 16  
Dec 27, 2012   #2
Hi, MiaB!

Great work! I like your essay and everything, but I think it lacks a very very very important point, which is what gives the whole essay its flavour. If I were you, I would most definitely focus more on ONE moment, ONE perfect moment, instead of writing about your whole life story. Focus on that single moment and describe it. The committee will be looking forward to understand you as a human being, not a reporter.

I am sorry if my comments are a little harsh :)

I wish you the best of luck ~ Lilly Cullen!
OP MiaB 8 / 25  
Dec 27, 2012   #3
Thank you Lilly ! I'll try to do that.

I still have arround 200 words left; so I'll pick a moment on which i'll focus.
serdarovez 10 / 33 3  
Dec 27, 2012   #4
I will agree with LillyCullenT
and it seems to be wordy ,
grammar part seems to be good, and try on working better hook.
Good luck
Ana123 2 / 3  
Dec 27, 2012   #5
I agree with LillyCullenT
you should pick one specific moment and write about that.
otherwise nice essay!!!
mahmoudjendy 7 / 17  
Dec 28, 2012   #6
you can focus on something u found in morroco and in cairo like the islamic culture...

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