Tell us more about ONE or TWO activities listed above that are most important to you.
Please explain the role you played and what you learned in the process. You will be asked for a reference who can speak to your response. (maximum 350 words)
Last year, I joined my school's Model United Nations club. My acceptance was a huge accomplishment for me since I'm very interested in global affairs, and I'm passionate about helping others. I attended two Model UN conferences where our main goal was to find plausible solutions to pressing global issues and communicate professionally as a committee. I participated in the Vancouver Model UN conference as my first conference and immediately fell in love with the fast-paced and stimulating environment. I had to conduct research, negotiate via public speaking, and, most of all, I was always kept on my toes thinking of new arguments and ideas on the spot. A couple of months later, I signed up for my second conference and was determined this time to use my previously gained experience to enhance my arguments and ideas in an even harder committee. I attended the Canadian International Model UN (CAIMUN) conference, where I was the delegate of Liberia in the African Union. CAIMUN had a massive impact on me since I was more experienced and therefore contributed more to the discussion. The committee was also a bit smaller, so I had more opportunities to speak. Over the weekend, we discussed two critical topics to push the success of Africa, which were: alleviating the ethnic conflict in South Sudan and improving the quality of education in Africa. I had made a goal for myself at this conference to have one of my clauses passed and written into our resolution paper. I helped improve educational access by affirming non-discriminatory practices and equal inclusion, and I implemented a sub-clause to approve the efficient allocation of funds by refining the teaching skill sets of educators through raising the wages of teachers. I achieved and surpassed my goal by implementing more than one clause. Throughout the weekend at CAIMUN, my problem-solving skills and public speaking skills improved drastically. Not only did I learn more about the world and the different challenges we face, but I also discovered situations I may have never known about if I had not partaken in Model UN.
@reneemvm
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the forum. I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to keep asking if you have more questions!
Given the fact that you are working with such a small word count, I heavily recommend that you try to prioritize the information you are sharing here. When we take a look at (generally speaking) everything that you put out here, it is quite noticeable how certain parts should have been omitted. For instance, while it was important that you were able to lay out all your experiences with MUN, it would have been better if you could have strayed away from over-explaining - instead, you should have focused a lot more on a specific experience (such as the CAIMUN as I have read) and just deal with that. Spreading your cards all over the table certainly will not benefit you in the long-run.
Furthermore, try to always evade using language that will not benefit you in the long-run. For example, you didn't necessarily need to mention that the committee was smaller hence why you were able to have the opportunity to speak. This appeared to be rather belittling on your personal opinions instead of showing an overall confidence towards what you experienced.
When you're also trying to express how a certain experience has changed you, it would be much better if you are able to explain how specifically it has shaped you. Try to make a brief comparison of your personality before joining the MUN and afterward; this comparative viewpoint will be much more effective than just vaguely describing your experiences.
