'Modeling and life experience is critical as well' - college essay-common app

prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

While GPA's and SAT scores are a large part of the college application process, I feel life experience is critical as well. There are two specific areas in my life that have both impacted and taught me valuable lessons. While one is often considered superficial, the real life applications that are gained from modeling run much deeper than a simple smile for the camera. I feel that modeling has exposed me to more professional environments and situations, working with high-end clients and having high expectations placed on me. My second experience comes from the exposure I have had through my father's twenty-three year career at Nike as the Director of College Basketball Sports Marketing. I have been lucky enough to learn so much about the industry by accompanying him on many trips, sitting in his office, and meeting and developing relationships with industry professionals.

In the my modeling (career), I have been fortunate to have been able to travel around the country and work with clients such as Nike, Pottery Barn, Fred Meyer, Saks fifth avenue, and Portland Fashion Week, to name a few. I've loved each and every moment of it! In addition to the fun and glamorous side, it has helped me shape in my mind what I want my career to be, and also taught me many lessons in how to conduct myself as an adult. In this industry, it's much more than the "pretty smile". One must arrive early, be prepared and responsible, act properly around the clients, and in my case, balance school, homework, and modeling. Having to please the client, I have always maintained a positive attitude on set. This has helped me get an insider's view on marketing and how the inside works, which has led me to my decision to major in marketing.

Over the years I've seen my fathers hard work and dedication to Nike, and his achievements have been valuable lessons for me. It has been fun and rewarding to be able to meet famous coaches and players, many who have given me excellent advice on life. I have also been inspired and challenged by some of the other Nike Senior leaders that I have been able to spend time with. Sitting in on meetings with my dad, tagging along on business trips, or visiting universities with him has taught me a lot about marketing and branding.

The people and experiences around me have shaped me into who I am today. I have had to conduct myself as someone who is older than I am, and now have an enhanced view of professionalism. I have modeling, my dad, and his work to thank for that. The next big step in my life is college, and I believe I am come prepared to bring a breath of fresh air to the community.

any help would be so, so, so appreciated!

There areT wo specific areas in my life that have both impacted and taught me valuable lessons.

In the my modeling (career), I was fortunateto be able to travel around the country and work with clients such as Nike, Pottery Barn, Fred Meyer, Saks fifth avenue, and Portland Fashion Week, to name a few.

I'veloved (<choose a stronger word for love, it is overused) each and every moment of it!
(Try to avoid contractions!)

In addition to the fun and glamorous side, itmodeling (<never use the word it unless in the second part of a compound sentence.) has helped me shape in my mind what I want my career to be; it taught me ways to conduct myself as an adult.

One must arrive early,Punctuality is imperative.

This has helped me get an insider's view on marketing and how the inside works, which has led me to my decision to major in marketing. rephrase it so you do not have "this" in the beginning of a sentence. That word is usually vague.

Also, I see numerous times you use the word "valubale" and "fun" ... try to refrain from repeating adjectives after one or two times :)) and always replace verbs with stronger ones!!

Your sentences are nice, the syntax, but you also want accurate sentences that get to the point. Rephrase so that the emphasis is on the noun and verb, not the adjectives and adverbs. Cut up some of the sentences, it really helps to make it an easier read! Otherwise, I was blown away with this essay! :) Good luck! I hope you are accepted!