"my mom and I had to move to Virginia" Evaluate a significant experience

The cell phone started to vibrate in the darkness of the room. It was complete silence; there were no crickets chirping or even a breeze in the cold night. Why would anyone call me in the middle of the night during a school day? I hesitated to answer the call, but when I finally did the darkness invaded me, making my stomach churn and my chest clench; I couldn't breathe. The only words that came out of my dad's mouth were "I'm sorry." I could never forgive my dad for what he had done; he selfishly decided to live in Korea, leaving me and my mom all alone. My dad's business was one of the many others that had gone out of business. And as the chief financial officer, he was held accountable for the problems that the business faced. Unable to handle all the stress, my mom and I had to move to Virginia. On that day, I lost my dad, my home, my friends, and ultimately my will to live.

Many people thought that I would take this incident and give up on everything in life. I despised my dad for not being with my mom and me when we needed him the most. I couldn't understand how he ruined his own business and fled to Korea. However, I viewed this hardship as a door to a new life. While driving endlessly from California to Virginia, the only thing that caught my attention was the grief and sorrow of my mom. Seeing my mom constantly cry hurt me as if a gun was shot through my chest. I could no longer bear to see the pain my mom was suffering from. Then I smiled at her and said "Mom, I'm going to protect you for the rest of my life". Even though my mom smiled for only a brief moment, it made the bright sunlight shine onto us. After losing everything, I realized that my mom was the most important thing in my life. Her happiness was the only hope that I've found. Through my family's bankruptcy, I found a purpose in life; to become successful and support my family; something that my father was never able to do.

I never wanted to see my mom hurt ever again. In order to do that, I needed to take my father's position and support my family. I studied, not just to the point where I felt satisfied, but to my fullest potential. From this, I gained the ability to become a self-learner. In addition, knowing that my mom can't handle all the stress, I would use my free time to do all the house chores and even work part-time to help her with the payments. Being independent, I was able to manage my time wisely. Thanks to my dad, I was able to grow up from the needy child to a self-supporting young adult I am today

I like your point and I like your topic, I just think it needs some more polish. For example, his business went out of business? Rephrase that sentence.

Try reading carefully through the paragraphs and seeing how many times you use the words "my mom". It becomes a little repetitive. Use words like "she", instead.

I also think that you could develop this a little more. Maybe be more specific about how your studied hard, what jobs you took.

Also, middle of the night during a school day? Maybe you meant in the middle of a school night.

I think your beginning is great, I would just recommend organizing it more and making it flow well.

Good luck!

but isn't explaining how i studied and jobs kind of explained in my application?
wouldn't that be redundant?

This sounds strange. In the middle of the night or during the day... I know what you mean... it should say: in the middle of the night when we have school the next day.


When I read this, it seems unnecessarily harsh. Those last 2 sentences of the first paragraph do not persuade me that your dad was any kind of failure, so if you want to talk about him as though he is a failure you should show what he did that was so bad. You said his was one of many businesses that failed, which indicates that difficult circumstances were faced by all, so I don't know why it is necessary to talk about supporting a family as something he was never able to do.

Really awkward sentence, what do yo mean?

I like the point of the essay, beginning is really great. I think you have to work on its developing(I don't say that it is bad, not at all, its really good)it need to be better organized.