Prompt: Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Interests field? (I indicated History)
My Bharatanatyam teacher once asked me whether I knew just how old the Classical Indian dance form I had been practicing for so long was. I didn't. "3500 BC," she said, reverence richly layered in her voice. I had been confronted with more far-reaching dates than that one, but never before had the depth of time struck me so swiftly. The twisting of henna stained fingers, the rustling silks and golden jewelry, the throbbing beats of the Mridangam; these were traditions passed on for thousands of years: from the beginning of time, it seemed, all the way to the golden bells tied around my ankles that day. It still gives me pause to imagine how long the hand of time and tradition extends into my life. The realization of today's debt to the years preceding is still a subject of great interest to me - some semblance of knowledge of the past is a requirement to understand the present beyond just shallow observation. Origins, I've found, are far more telling than present day characteristics.
Also... I need to cut exactly 20 CHARACTERS. Any suggestions on how to do this?
Well, I can't give you any grammar suggestion because I'm not a good writer.
But I can give you a critic. I think you're going into the right direction. Many people has told me that you should 'SHOW' not to 'TELL' on your essay and your essay is seem to have more actions than words.
Wish you good luck with Brown!
Your language is magnificent! Here are my tips for cutting some characters:
gives me pausedrives me to imagine how long the hand of time and tradition extends into my life.
The realization of today's debt to the years preceding
is still a subject of great interestprofoundly appeals to me...
thank you for your comments. does anyone else have any comments about the essay? does it answer the question? do you think it is strong enough in meaning - not just wording?
Really strong essay! I liked your story. If you didn't want to do the edits that holdenzhao suggested you could simply cut out the "3500 BC, I recall thinking in wonder." Its not the most necessary statement, and the essay would still function just as well without it!
^ thanks for that suggestion! that is what I'll do, you're right. Making that cut also adds a tad more drama to it, it seems.
Do you think it answers the question? Do you get the feeling that I am passionate about history and why I want to study it?
here's the revised edit: It's exactly 999 characters! I think this is my final version, but if there are any more comments, particularly on whether you think the question is fullly answered, please add them!
My Bharatanatyam teacher once asked ...
(This sentence feels awkwardly long to me. Also try ending with a word other than "was") .
The twisting of henna stained fingers(I like this change from adept fingers) , the rustling silks and golden jewelry, the throbbing beats of the Mridangam; ...
(You use a semi colon and colon in the same sentence. Although I don't believe this is grammatically incorrect, you might want to try breaking it down into two separate sentences by making the colon a period).
It still gives me pause("gives me pause" is a little awkward, although I understand what you're getting at) to imagine how long the hand of time and tradition extends into my life.
Origins, I've found, are far more telling than present day characteristics. (With the way you've written everything, I think you can come up with a more "wow" ending)
Hope that helps! Overall, I really like the way you answered the prompt without being too straightforward, and the writing is well done. Maybe if I had answered this creatively Brown wouldn't have rejected me for ED:P lol
This is such a unique way to approach the topic! Just one thing, maybe writing outrightly what your major is? I'm guessing it has to do with history but I'm not 100% sure, so maybe makie a bit more obvious? Other than that, you are a great writer and I love the details incorporated into this essay. Good job and good luck!
The realization of today's debt to the
years preceding is still a subject of great interest to me - replace "years preceding" with "past". It sounds a bit awkward, and cutting it down will remove some characters. Sometimes, making things too verbose can be a folly.
Otherwise, this was really fun to read, and I hope Brown feels the same way! Good luck!