The moment I opened up myself. -overcoming autism-

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

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The moment I opened up myself. -overcoming autism-

"Any ideas? What do you think?"

"Shuto! You gotta dance with us!"

"The midterm is a discussion style."

"Prepare for your presentation next week."

I had constantly faced situations that I needed to reveal myself during my one-year exchange program in Connecticut. In Japan, I didn't have to express myself. All I had to do as a student was to listen to teachers quietly. No one is expected to speak out. No one cares what you think. Moreover, my personal background made this exchange year even harder. Many of my American friends seemed to be never afraid of stating their opinions in front of others. It was time to say goodbye to myself in the past.

Raised in a single mother family, I felt like I had always been forgotten because my mom had to work hard to support our family. I came to close my mind. I hated talking with people. I couldn't stand even a slight change in daily life, all of which are the typical symptoms of autism. I was once panicked at the school trip in fifth grade because I had to spend a night at an unfamiliar place. I was, however, a "good" kid. I pretended to be nice to everyone and listened to my mom and teachers. Since I followed their advice all the time, I earned good grades at middle school and got into one of the top public high schools in Tokyo, but I had never actually made my own decision before.

When I became a junior at the high school, I decided to go to the University of Tokyo, which is the best university in Asia, because my mom and teachers recommended the choice. Still, I didn't have my thoughts for the future even though I was a smart kid, who had a good shot for the entrance exams for top universities in Japan. However, I came to question myself, studying ten hours a day at the library, "What am I studying for? Is all this knowledge going to be my assets in the future? Aren't experiences more important than just knowledge from books?" Then, luckily, I found a study abroad program with a full scholarship. For the first time, I made my own decision to apply to this scholarship, contrary to the "expectations".

During my exchange program, I learned the importance of self-expression. I took many forms to reveal myself to survive in the American culture. I danced at the parties, sang at the church, discussed the future with my friends, performed karate at the talent show, and of course, I did a lot of presentations in each class. As I open up myself, more and more people around me recognized and praised my achievements, saying "Good job Shuto!" People are so supportive that I found myself being confident, which I never had had in life. Though the process was tough for me, I enjoy opening up my mind and can live each moment from my own inspiration, not from desire to meet expectations from others. Other than being a hermit in a quiet library, I learned to go out and have some real experiences. Even I can't believe I used to be autism!

Today, I feel I am in a completely new stage in life. I am not who I was. I am not afraid of making mistakes anymore. I stopped thinking that my ideas don't worth sharing. I love talking with many people from different backgrounds. I'm sure studying in the U.S. was the best decision I have ever made in life because it makes who I am today, writing a college application essay to go back and study again in the country that changed my life.

(628 words)
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Thank you for reading my essay.
Do you think this is still too common and not unique enough? I posted another essay before, so I would appreciate it if you could tell me which one is better.

Any comments/corrections are welcome!

Thank you.

Hi Shuto, I'd like to share my insights for the first two paragraphs of your essay.

First paragraph
-Many of my American friends seemed to be nevernot afraid of stating their opinions in front of others.
- It was time to say goodbye to myself in the past.

2nd paragraph
- I hated talking withto people.
- I couldn't stand even a slight change in my daily liferoutine ,
- I was oO nce , I panicked at the school
- However, I was, however, a "good" kid.

Shuto, the corrections above are just some of the remarks I made, I will get back to you to help out for the rest of the essay.

So far, what I noticed is your direct translation which you should try to avoid, this happens when you have an idea of what to write but

that idea is in your native language and how it transpires in English is rather odd, this is normal as English is not your native tongue and it's good to know that you are trying to be good at it.

I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Shuto, while I admire you for putting yourself out there and discussing your autism, the overall message and background setting of the essay does not really fit in with the prompt of a transition ot adulthood within your community, family, or culture. Rather, you are telling the reviewer about your background and having overcome an obstacle that stood in your path. Overcoming Autism is all about finding your inner strength and having the courage to face up to it in order to overcome adversity in life. It is not about transitioning to adulthood.

What the reviewer will be looking for in this aspect is a reference to how you have become a young adult at this point in your life. Now, as I continued to review your essay, I found some parts that you can actually use to help you define your "coming of age" story. It will be compelling and it will help you stand out from the pack of applicants. We can use the Autism story and your coming to America to do that.

As a young man who came to America with special needs, you were faced with far greater challenges when it came to caring for yourself than you probably led other to believe. That is the story that you have to tell the reviewer about. The transitional event in this case will be your having to learn how to care for yourself, despite the special personal circumstances you were faced with because you came to America without any support group. You spent a year here taking care of yourself. Tell us about that journey and how you have become an admirable Autistic young adults in the process. The story should be one of self discovery on a personal, not social nor academic level. Would you know how to develop that or would you like me to show you an example of how you can do it? Just let me know :-)

@justivy03
Thank you very much! I will correct my sentences.

@vangiespen
I appreciate your comment on my essay content.
I think I can develop my story in that way to fit the prompt.
But how about changing my prompt to this one?:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Do you think my essay fits in with this prompt better than "transition to adulthood" one?

Shuto, I definitely believe that the essay that you wrote would fit the background story more than the original prompt that you developed it for. The story that you chose to tell is something personal that you may not be comfortable telling other people about, but the reviewer needs to know about because it is important to your application. While there are a number of essay prompts tha tyou can choose to present to the reviewer, this particular prompt is one that will help explain certain "special circumstances" in your life that the reviewer may wish to address or consider further as he reviews your application.

Since you will be changing the prompt for the essay, it won't hurt if you review the content of the essay and decide if you want to revise any portion, or edit the content. You know, consider giving it a fresh, new look prior to presentation to your reviewer. I am suggesting that because you originally wrote this essay for a different prompt, so you have to make sure that any references in the essay that you meant to address the old prompt is either removed or improved upon in order to create a better essay for you.

I am certainly looking forward to your revisions of the essay if you decide to do that. Trust me when I tell you that reviewing the content of your essay will not hurt. It can only help you to improve your essay to the point where it will be the best that it can be in terms of content and presentation. I'll be here to help you if you feel that you need my assistance. Don't worry about it. I'm here to help :-)