Hi everyone!
I really need someone to check my essay. This is my common app essay "essay of your topic".
What is very bad is that it's 1372 words!! too long x(
As I said before in other post, I'm a Japanese and as far as I know, no other students in my province apply for a college in America,,, that is why I need your help here. Please, give me any suggestions/criticisms/comments, I really appreciate you.
my question:
1) do I have to change the title? Is it too general?
2) my English teacher told me to erase the red part in order to make the essay shorter. do you think it'll still make sense if I put away it?
Thank you very much!!!
"The moment in the shallows"
It was only a tiny drop of water at first. I looked up at the sky, where other rain drops fell one after another. They were falling on the surface of the water, in which I was standing knee-deep. The beautiful patterns on the surface reminded me of my favorite sekitei - a sand and rock garden which I was impressed by at a temple in Kyoto. I used to hate the rain but, as I watched the changing patterns spreading to the horizon, I realized that I have grown to love it.
Every summer my family and I have gone at the beach. Unlike the normal beaches where tons of tourists enjoy their vacations, the beach we spend time at every year is small but a beautiful local beach in a village with no tourists and no noisy music playing over loudspeakers. It's still a mystery how my parents found it, as it is quite difficult to find this kind of place in Okinawa, an island as a famous sightseeing spot in Japan.
I love so many things about this place. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun - an tiny agile blue fish- with my sister under the sea, and sleeping in the dark hearing only the sounds of calm waves. But one of the things I love most is this; to wait until everyone takes a siesta, stealthily going down to the beach with my swimsuit on, and then standing in the middle of the shallows where the cool waves gently lap against my calves. Just standing there with nothing special to do, this is the time I love, to look into both my heart, and at the world.
Every time I stand in the shallows, I recall some fragmented memories, and realize that I can't forget them easily. When I was small, I really hated rain because I was forced to face lots of my bitter memories. I couldn't forget that it was a dark rainy day when my parents left me for one night in a night child care center. I also remember the smell of the sea and rain --- which is the smell of my Grand-pa. He used to take me and my sister to go fishing with him when we were little. I loved him and fishing but I almost cried, because I had to a some notched lugworm on the hook by myself and it tried to bite me with its ugly teeth. As time goes by, however, I've been surprised to realize the fact that things I used to hate have changed as I have changed; now, I feel rather fond of them so that I even can cherish those memories. I've also found that there are some new added memories about rain which make me happy, like the sekitei in Kyoto. However, at the same time, I also find that the things I loved are also not what I believed them to be; growing older, now I know that the beautiful rose will wither and die someday and the dreams I have sometimes don't come true. Life is not so simple, not so easy.
Though, these realizations are not the biggest realization. What I was impressed to find out is that not only in joy but also in the pain that I have experienced, I have discovered the beauty of nature which holds my heart and will never let it go, and that realization taught me the true value of life. It is true that not everything in this world will turn out to be pleasant. Although a part of my heart still cannot avoid feeling sad to see the fading autumn leaves, I now understand that this melancholy makes winter even more beautiful and solemn. What I know now is that life is rich and profound, all the more so, because it has both pain and joy, rainy days and sun-filled ones.
Standing in the shallows also allows me to incite my deep intellectual curiosity. In the middle of the shallow, I can see the world clearly. Every movement and expressions of nature amazes me with the wonder and the mystery of it. It is fabulous to see rain squalls in the distance under the shining sunlight, or to feel a gentle breeze changing into a damp and cold wind. I saw the rain fall form the sky to the ocean and I felt the warm water vapor rise up into the air --- water circulation in act. For the first time, I felt I understood the word I learned from my textbook. This knowledge sank into me as a vivid and fresh revelation. Even though I've already learned it, finding nature's laws in the phenomena by myself is always a great discovery for me. I realized that what I was watching was a piece of the enormous structure of nature. I was standing so close to it that I heard its warm breathing.
I noticed that the wonder of nature was vast as the universe. I don't think I can know everything about it, but why would I give up seeking the wonderful truth that surrounds me and grabs my heart? The fact that there are too many things I still can't understand makes me feel excited, because that simply means there are so many possibilities I have yet to encounter. I just cannot stop loving wanting to explore the world that I've never seen, smelled, or touched.
Although it might be just for an hour, I always return from the shallows to the tent filled with the feelings that I cannot express in words. Happiness, ardor, joy, respect, gratitude --- I feel these things simultaneously. As I slowly get out of the water, I see my blended colorful feelings gradually change into a rosy red passion like the sunset on my back. I now can see the solid will in my mind; I am eager to learn about the world. I want to live, in this wonderful world. Even if I were standing in a forest in Norway, a stream in Vietnam, or a desert in Morocco, I would never forget what nature has told me in these shiny, shallows. "Life is beautiful," it's telling me, "in this unlimited universe and your unlimited future."
I really need someone to check my essay. This is my common app essay "essay of your topic".
What is very bad is that it's 1372 words!! too long x(
As I said before in other post, I'm a Japanese and as far as I know, no other students in my province apply for a college in America,,, that is why I need your help here. Please, give me any suggestions/criticisms/comments, I really appreciate you.
my question:
1) do I have to change the title? Is it too general?
2) my English teacher told me to erase the red part in order to make the essay shorter. do you think it'll still make sense if I put away it?
Thank you very much!!!
"The moment in the shallows"
It was only a tiny drop of water at first. I looked up at the sky, where other rain drops fell one after another. They were falling on the surface of the water, in which I was standing knee-deep. The beautiful patterns on the surface reminded me of my favorite sekitei - a sand and rock garden which I was impressed by at a temple in Kyoto. I used to hate the rain but, as I watched the changing patterns spreading to the horizon, I realized that I have grown to love it.
Every summer my family and I have gone at the beach. Unlike the normal beaches where tons of tourists enjoy their vacations, the beach we spend time at every year is small but a beautiful local beach in a village with no tourists and no noisy music playing over loudspeakers. It's still a mystery how my parents found it, as it is quite difficult to find this kind of place in Okinawa, an island as a famous sightseeing spot in Japan.
I love so many things about this place. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun - an tiny agile blue fish- with my sister under the sea, and sleeping in the dark hearing only the sounds of calm waves. But one of the things I love most is this; to wait until everyone takes a siesta, stealthily going down to the beach with my swimsuit on, and then standing in the middle of the shallows where the cool waves gently lap against my calves. Just standing there with nothing special to do, this is the time I love, to look into both my heart, and at the world.
Every time I stand in the shallows, I recall some fragmented memories, and realize that I can't forget them easily. When I was small, I really hated rain because I was forced to face lots of my bitter memories. I couldn't forget that it was a dark rainy day when my parents left me for one night in a night child care center. I also remember the smell of the sea and rain --- which is the smell of my Grand-pa. He used to take me and my sister to go fishing with him when we were little. I loved him and fishing but I almost cried, because I had to a some notched lugworm on the hook by myself and it tried to bite me with its ugly teeth. As time goes by, however, I've been surprised to realize the fact that things I used to hate have changed as I have changed; now, I feel rather fond of them so that I even can cherish those memories. I've also found that there are some new added memories about rain which make me happy, like the sekitei in Kyoto. However, at the same time, I also find that the things I loved are also not what I believed them to be; growing older, now I know that the beautiful rose will wither and die someday and the dreams I have sometimes don't come true. Life is not so simple, not so easy.
Though, these realizations are not the biggest realization. What I was impressed to find out is that not only in joy but also in the pain that I have experienced, I have discovered the beauty of nature which holds my heart and will never let it go, and that realization taught me the true value of life. It is true that not everything in this world will turn out to be pleasant. Although a part of my heart still cannot avoid feeling sad to see the fading autumn leaves, I now understand that this melancholy makes winter even more beautiful and solemn. What I know now is that life is rich and profound, all the more so, because it has both pain and joy, rainy days and sun-filled ones.
Standing in the shallows also allows me to incite my deep intellectual curiosity. In the middle of the shallow, I can see the world clearly. Every movement and expressions of nature amazes me with the wonder and the mystery of it. It is fabulous to see rain squalls in the distance under the shining sunlight, or to feel a gentle breeze changing into a damp and cold wind. I saw the rain fall form the sky to the ocean and I felt the warm water vapor rise up into the air --- water circulation in act. For the first time, I felt I understood the word I learned from my textbook. This knowledge sank into me as a vivid and fresh revelation. Even though I've already learned it, finding nature's laws in the phenomena by myself is always a great discovery for me. I realized that what I was watching was a piece of the enormous structure of nature. I was standing so close to it that I heard its warm breathing.
I noticed that the wonder of nature was vast as the universe. I don't think I can know everything about it, but why would I give up seeking the wonderful truth that surrounds me and grabs my heart? The fact that there are too many things I still can't understand makes me feel excited, because that simply means there are so many possibilities I have yet to encounter. I just cannot stop loving wanting to explore the world that I've never seen, smelled, or touched.
Although it might be just for an hour, I always return from the shallows to the tent filled with the feelings that I cannot express in words. Happiness, ardor, joy, respect, gratitude --- I feel these things simultaneously. As I slowly get out of the water, I see my blended colorful feelings gradually change into a rosy red passion like the sunset on my back. I now can see the solid will in my mind; I am eager to learn about the world. I want to live, in this wonderful world. Even if I were standing in a forest in Norway, a stream in Vietnam, or a desert in Morocco, I would never forget what nature has told me in these shiny, shallows. "Life is beautiful," it's telling me, "in this unlimited universe and your unlimited future."
