"Mommy, why does she look so funny?"

I've edited this a few times through, but some of the sentences are still overly long, so what would you think would be the best way to edit them down? Or should I keep them long since that's just the way I write?

I tried to keep the tenses all the same, but it'd help if somebody double-checked for me. And of course, there is grammar, so I must ask, is everything grammatically correct?

I really enjoyed writing this piece, but the conclusion seems a little weak to me, and ss the interruption in the story a little awkward?

I might seem a bit paranoid about this... =/
So yeah, dissect and gut this essay to your utmost enjoyment.

Common app - Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
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"Mommy, why does she look so funny?" The little boy asks innocently, pointing a small chubby finger at the person next to me. His mother laughs nervously, embarrassed by her son's bluntness, and hushes him, hinting to the boy that they should move on to another exhibit, but the child stubbornly refuses, as he gazes up at the lady in the wheelchair with curiosity. I am similarly embarrassed, uncomfortable by this subject I always carefully step around; the conversation I had with her dwindles into silence. The rat on my arm becomes an excuse to look away.

The lady looks unfazed, makes eye contact with the boy, and smiles. The child's comment is one that is heard often here in the life science lab at OMSI when she is around, and each time, the women in the wheelchair gives the same sincere smile and the same patient response, "I may look funny, but I am the same as you." She spins her giant wheelchair to face the little boy. "Look. I have ten fingers and ten toes. Just like you. I can talk and listen. Just like you. The only things that are missing are my arms and legs. I'm not that different. I can do all the same things you can."

This is the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, an unorthodox museum filled to its front doors with games, puzzles, and amusing attractions designed to allow visitors to learn while having fun. Upstairs, at the end of the life science hall is the life science lab. The room is filled with exotic animals: giant hissing cockroaches, Australian walking sticks, and axolotls among other equally odd creatures. This is where I volunteer, in the midst of all these wonderful animals.

The boy leaves, and she returns talking to me, asking to pet the rat again. I happily oblige, moving so that the rat is positioned directly under her fingers. Her hand, attached directly to her body, moves a little, making a small stroking movement. I struggle to keep Mimi, the hairless rat on my sleeve, to stay still so that the lady may keep petting it. She begins to chatter on and on, first cooing over Mimi, and then rambling about other trivial matters. She talks of Facebook and Twitter and relates anecdotes of silly friends. Like any other person the world does. I have come to see that she is no different.

This lady is more outgoing and welcoming than I; she comes up to me at the beginning of every shift with a cheery hello and how are you. Although she has faced so many more hardships than I could every imagine just because of the way she looks, she is just as happy and talkative as my most loquacious acquaintance. She is so resilient, so lively despite even though she has encountered so many disgusted stares, averted looks, and insults that I cannot help but admire her. I have only met her four or five times, but because of her, my mind is more open to the people around me. I don't cloud my mind with stereotypes when I see somebody with a different skin color. I don't think that people with disorders or disabilities are stupid. Instead, I smile at them, watching their faces grin back or brighten. I wait to talk to them to develop my impressions of them, and often, these people who look just a bit different are some of the most humorous and enthusiastic people I have ever met.

Thank you!!!

Wow, no one reply for this touching piece?

I enjoy reading this~~ The start is qiute facinating and story gets more touching as you go on...The final paragragh is very strong...for the tense,I think you should pay attention to the last paragragh, because the tense of your reflection is different from that of the anecdote.

...at least I couldn't find problems in this essay...see how the moderator comments

Thank you~ :)
The reflection is in a different tense because I am thinking about what I learned from that person. At least, that's why I put in in past. Should it be in present?

A mistake my sister found when she read through it. I don't know how I didn't see it --
"so lively despite even though she has encountered..."

Anybody else want to critique my essay?

this is a very touchign story but i think you should talk more about yourself than her, give the little tidbit about her disabilities and then explain why you appreciate her and what you have learned, focus the essay on yourself more, since after all, you're the one who's applying to college, they want to know more about you. and don't put yourself down "This lady is more outgoing and welcoming than I", be humble but always bring out your best characteristics when you write

Thank you. C:

I tried to hint at her disabilities, but I guess I should probably talk about them a little more. I didn't just want to bluntly say her disabilities; I wanted to incorporate them into the story.

This is an essay on a significant person, so I talked about her and how it influenced me in the reflection at the end. Is that not enough?

Any other critiques?

The child's comment is one that is heard often here in the life science lab at OMSI when she is around, and each time, the women in the wheelchair gives the same sincere smile and the same patient response.

woman! singular! :)

You need to supply more background. For instance, you say:



Well, which is it? Do you see her every day, or have you only met her a handful of times? Is she a co-worker? A customer? Who is this person? It is ironic that, in an essay about how a person's disabilities or differences don't matter, the only thing you tell us about her is that she is disabled and different.