i feel like i have no specific theme and as if im not addressing the prompt. please help. strengths? weaknesses?
I realized early on that life is not easy. I come from a middle class family, but my parents had to sacrifice a lot to get where they are now. In my birth country, Mongolia, my father was a prosecutor and my mother was a doctor. They gave all that up for one simple reason: they wanted more for their kids, more for my brother and me, so we don't have to suffer as they did, so we don't have to go through the pain that they have felt.
Mongolia is a place where few opportunities exist and poverty is everywhere. Making a living is hard, even as successful, educated lawyers and doctors. The government is corrupt, so the rich keep getting richer and the poor get poorer. A future for someone in such a country was nonexistent, yet people tried to make the best of it.
...
thank you. any and all help is appreciated!
-Serg
try not to talk about your parents sacrifice so much because the essay is about you not them.
also remember that they want to know about who you are or how you became who you are
explain what your opportunities were when you came to america and how you took advantage of them and what you learned from that experience.
im no pro but hope i helped :)
i see. i didnt notice that. thank you very much! any more criticism is appreciated too.
I would change it to would not:
...they wanted more for their kids, more for my brother and me, so we would not don't have to suffer as they did, so we don't would not have to go through the pain that they have felt.
... main focus was as miniscule minuscule as avoiding getting hit by the teacher, since they had every right to do so.
You should probably have semi-colons here:
I want to graduate from college, I want to help people; I want to make my parents proud for their hard work and be the best I can be; I want to take every chance that ...
I think this is very strong, and it makes the reader like you, but it could be stronger. If you have not already submitted it yet, do a little research to see what is going on in the fields of nursing and engineering and come up with a few organizations you would like to work with some time. Come up with a few examples of current research to whcih you'd like to contribute.
Those details are the good parts, ths substance of the essay, the jelly inside the doughnut. I think you could add some discussion of these fields of expertise without messing up the focus of the essay. I think the essay is well written!
I'm really lost on how to put my ideas into words. any help please? and overall, how my intro and conclusion are. feel free to just rip it apart. dont hold back.
Maybe you could say how important education is and what it does for the standard of living in a country. How would assist these other countries? Do you have any ideas that could help or will you just continue to advocate and volunteer? Maybe relate it to what you plan on majoring in?
As for your intro and conclusion you have a few error is grammar and usage but I'm going to assume that you already know that.
"I have seen my parents struggle to keep a roof over my head and to feed my brother and me. They have always worked hard to provide for us. " - I feel as though the second part is repetitive.
"to be able to dream bigger and have bigger and brighter futures than they could have ever hopedto have ." - the second bigger is a bit repetitive, I would suggest finding a new word or just taking it out. I would also take to to have as I think that sounds weird and is a bit condescending to your parents, but they may just be me.
I hope this helps :)
thank you. I'm gonna revise and add those things in. and post it again!
"My Mountains and Oceans" uc prompt 1
(I feel as though my third paragraph is a bit awkward, any help? strengths, weaknesses? i would really appreciate the help. And i feel like i should start my essay differently, it seems too plain, any ideas?)
Being a first generation immigrant from Mongolia has given me many chances to see and experience things that I wouldn't have if I were born here. My family immigrated to the United States in 2001. They were highly educated individuals, my mother a medical doctor and my father, a lawyer, but when they came here, their credentials were dismissed. I saw my parents struggle to keep a roof over my head and to feed my brother and me. They sacrificed all their energy, joys, and dreams so that I could one day see my own realized. This is why I feel the strong need to succeed so I can bring all their hard work to fruition by attaining a higher education.
As a child, my parents worked many late hours so I would wait for them at the local library after school. It was there where my young curious soul sailed freely in the boundless oceans of books. I would read for hours on end. It had become my home away from home. It was there where I have shaped my dreams and aspirations, where I realized the importance of education. Within these mountains and oceans of books, i have gained much knowledge.
My father was also a great source of insight to me. He would never fail to remind me to be optimistic, even when things look dim. With a keen look in his eyes, he would affirm, "How you perceive things today, is the reality of life tomorrow." He has taught me to be ambitious, to take every opportunity and make use of it, to never let one go to waste. As cliché as it sounds, "For every door closed, another opens." Out of all the qualities he possesses, there is one especially that I want to receive and have as my own, his kindness, and his ability to always put others first. Even though he may not seem like it, he is a very kindhearted person.
I feel sentimental sometimes and think about how much my parents have sacrificed for my brother and me to be able to dream bigger and have bigger and brighter futures than they could ever hope to have. We're given so many opportunities so why not take them? Why not take what we have and use it? I want to graduate from college, I want to help people, I want to make my parents proud for their hard work and be the best I can be, I want to take every chance that I'm given and make every chance that I'm not given to ensure that my future will be filled with happiness. We all choose our own destiny; I will experience all that this world has to offer and fulfill my destiny by giving back as a highly educated member of society.
