The topic for my college admissions letter is to write a brief one page essay about the person,place,or event that has the greastest influence on your life. This is my first draft and i am NOT finish i would just like to know if so far am i on the right track
"When I was sixteen I started working as an aide for an after school program. I still remember the first day; I walked into the building and saw kids running through the hallways, slamming lockers, calling each other names. At first having a disguisted look on my face I remembered that only three years ago I was one of those kids. I proceed to walk to the cafeteria were the program was being held and saw fifteen students all between the ages of eleven to thirteen, and all with an upset look on their faces. Instead of coming to the program they would rather go home and play with friends or play video games. I knew I had to get across to them somehow, but the hard part was how.
My job was to help them with their homework, engage in constructive activates, and most importantly keep them out of trouble. Being a teenager and getting middle school kids to respect you is not as easy as you think. You have some saying "You are my parent." Others were saying "Why do I have to listen to you, not an adult either?" That is when I realized what work I had cut out for me. I remember my supervisor saying the way to get these kids to respect you is to have them fear you, but I do not believe in that. I believe in order to earn respect you must earn it.
My biggest challenge was what I was going to do to gain these kids' respect. I could not be too nice because then my kindness would have been mistaken for weakness. But on the other hand I could not be too strict because then I would have been disliked. I came to the conclusion that I needed get to know each student individually. So instead to talking on the phone or playing on the computer like my co worker I decided to be engaged in conversation with each student getting a sense of who they were individually and not looking at them as just kids that I have to watch."
You have a good basis here. I'm not sure what your word count is, but you may have to shorten your story some so that you have some room to explain how this experience has influenced your life.
A couple of grammatical/mechanical thoughts. First, watch your casual use of contractions in formal academic writing; it is inapropriate contractions should not be used. Also, watch your capitalization and punctuation.
This is a good rough draft. Keep up your hard work.
Thank you so much for giving me your thoughts on my draft.
To anwser your first question my essay needs to be atleast one page and my essay came out to be one full page so far. I made all the revision and now need help on how to transition my writing into explaining how my job influenced my life.
OK, so let's start at the beginning.
How has the job influenced your life? What skills did it teach you that you use in your daily life? How has it changed your points of view in regards to daily situations?
Thank you so much I really appreciate you giving me your insight.
