Common app essay on transition from childhood to adulthood prompt
The word limit is 650 but this essay is slightly over 700 some ways to reduce the word count would be very helpful
Once again, I woke up to the sound of a sports car driving by. It was the third one that had passed in about an hour. So many cars drive by my house that it became part of my morning routine. My friends seemed to enjoy it more than I did; they tried to guess the car brands and their destinations. My friends would always inquire if these luxurious cars were as common in other Moroccan cities and I would say yes. They always mentioned that their dream was to own a fancy car. My answer was always the same: everything is achievable with hard work. My parents always taught us that success is always difficult especially when one starts from scratch but dedication and hard work make every dream come true. I was skeptical.
Ifrane is a very wealthy city perched on the rocky hillside of the Middle Atlas Mountains in Morocco. It is a very famous ski resort where people of different nationalities spend their winter break Fifteen years ago, King Hassan II decided, with the help of a Saudi prince, to build an American school and university in Ifrane. This university and school are very expensive and only the richest families in the country can afford it. A few families, including my own, benefit from financial aid and are able to attend as well. The university students make up a huge population of the city. Their being wealthy allows them to own the sports cars I wake up to every morning.
Consequently, I grew up thinking all Moroccans have a high standard of living- every one could afford nice cars. I thought that people all over the country had enough money to pay for luxuries: the latest Ferrari, jewelry, designer clothes etc. I was well aware that there was an underprivileged population in Morocco, but I always deemed it to be a minority. Growing up, I always thought about my bright future. What would I grow up to be? An engineer with a Lamborghini, a businessman with a Dolce and Gabbana collection, a Cabinet minister with an expensive Rolex, etc... I associated all my ambitions with materialistic possessions. In retrospect, I am saddened by the superficiality of my dreams.
What I did not know when I dreamed, was that Ifrane was very different from other cities. As I grew older, I realized that Ifrane was a bubble, sheltered from the harsh Moroccan reality. I took it upon myself to travel and discover the rest of the country with the NGO Hand in Hand. My travels shocked me and I discovered the true face of my country. .However, one particular experience really opened my eyes. One Saturday, while picking up garbage in a forest nearby, I met a poor farmer and conversed with him for a short while. I found out that he knew nothing about Ferraris or Gucci. As we sat there on a tree trunk, I brought out the pizza I had brought for lunch and told him that we could share. What shocked me is that h had no idea what a pizza was. While I was trying to explain to him that pizza is an Italian snack that, thanks to globalization, is eaten all over the world, i realized that he didn't really seem to care or know where Italy exactly was. This sudden insight that fell upon me really opened my eyes because i was no longer the naive little boy who chased after sports cars, memorizing every brand; I had become a person who finally understood what happiness truly is. Seeing that this farmer was perfectly content with what little he had I came to understand that Ifrane was not the typical city but rather the exception: I found the lavish life style provided by the small ski resort nowhere else. As I experienced the poverty, hunger and misery of others, I felt alienated and different. I have never realized how blessed I was. Upon my return to Ifrane, I decided that I wanted to get involved with my country. I did not want to be an engineer with a Lamborghini nor a Cabinet minister with a Rolex but a Moroccan citizen willing to serve those less fortunate than him
Amine, this is not a transition story, this is a background story. When you speak of the transition story, it has to relate to either an experience, a ritual, or a tradition within your community that signifies your coming of age either through accomplishing a difficult task, participating in a coming of age ritual like catching your first fish on a fishing trip with your father, or receiving a family heirloom that signifies your becoming an adult, even the addition of some adult duties and responsibilities that you your family or community did not entrust you with previously. There is no sense of that anywhere in this essay. However, it does provide information about your background that tells the reviewer something about you that you most likely were not able to present in your other application essays.
Compare the requirements of the transition prompt with the background prompt and you will see that all you have to do to make this essay work for you is to use a different prompt. The transition essay requires the following:
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
The background essay on the other hand indicates:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Now, review the essay that you wrote, keeping in mind the requirements of each essay prompt. The correct prompt to use with the essay that you wrote becomes quite obvious when you do a comparison of the two don't you think? Now, if you decide to change the prompt to the proper one, we can work on editing the essay for word count and final form already :-) I'll await your decision.
First of all thank you so much for replying so fast and for your comments. I do see what you're trying to tell me and i think that changing the prompt would be the best thing to do. If i were to change the prompt what edits should i bring. Also, do you have any other comments on the content of the essay and how to reduce it?
Amine, the first thing that I would do in the essay is change the current opening statement. I feel that the essay starts off better if the paragraph opens the essay with the following statement:
Ifrane is a very wealthy city perched on the rocky hillside of the Middle Atlas Mountains in Morocco.
That paragraph already gives 2 pieces of important information in your essay. The first is the background of your social status and the second, is how you led your life as a part of this society, in a more interesting manner.
I would not change anything about your realization about the economic disparity that exists in Morocco. It allows the reviewer to see you as a young person who is socially conscious and willing to do whatever it takes to help those less fortunate in your country. Why don't you try to revise the essay with something that you have in mind and show it to me here. That way I can tell you if it improved your essay or not. If not, then we will work on developing the content some more :-)
