prompt-Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
intro
If a typical day to day life was made into a novel, the book would be detailed and unpredictable. There would be many unique characters, and most of their names would never be known. At work, school, restaurants or passing through the streets; people are everywhere. Most of these people come and go, quickly breezing though our lives like the passing wind on a spring day. A quick wave or head nod and they are gone forever. Sometimes however, people hang around, get to know one another, and stay involved. Then out of all these relationships, rarely there is that special person than has a dynamic impact on every choice made in life. My mother, the most influential person in my life, has been that special person for me.
If a typical day to day life was made into a novel, the book would be detailed and unpredictable. There would be many unique characters, and most of their names would never be known.
A suggestion to liven this up :)
"If a typical day to day life was woven into a novel, its chapters would be intricate and unpredictable. There would be many unique characters, most of whose names would never be threaded into the fabrics of time..."
At work, school, restaurants or passing through the streets; people are everywhere.
You should fix the fragment here.
Most of these people come and go, quickly breezing though our lives like the passing wind on a spring day.
I think you get get rid a that phrase, to make this statement succinct, because we know from the previous sentence that you are talking about people.
A quick wave or head nod, and they are gone forever
Then out of all these relationships, rarely there is that special person thanthat has a dynamic impact on every choice made in life.
I think you are giving the feeling that it is not supposed to happen. Maybe switching a few words around can help clear the confusion:
"... there is that rare, special person that influences every choice I make in life."
I look forward to your body and conclusion :)
Thanks for the help. But what do you mean by feel that it is not supposed to happen?
Well... When you say "rarely, something happens"... I get the feeling that that is the abnormal... But, remember, this is only my opinion. If you feel otherwise, feel free to write what you feel is true :)
...that special person than (that?) has a dynamic impact on every choice made in life.
Hey, I don't think she has a dynamic impact on EVERY choice.
You wrote this so very very well, and I see no errors.
Also, I think the word rarely is okay; (I saw what you and Frezard were talking about).
The only change I suggest is about that line above. Instead of saying she influences every choice, try to find the words to say what you REALLY mean. :-)
Hi.
Since the body is not out, I cannot tell how this intro is going to play out yet.
However, my advice is try to get straight to the point instead of going from a general intro into the specifics. Every word will eat into your essay, and might not be wise to include things that are general enough to describe not only your mother but anyone. This is not easy but can be done. Try to start the essay with a specific incident that affect you, and branch out naturally from there. This way you won't have to think about how work your way back into the main topic in the second paragraph.
I am working on the essay that has the exact same topic same yours. It probably suck now and I am trying to improve it too. =D
BTW, don't you think it is awesome to write about our mums?
G L~
If a typical day to day life was woven into a novel, its chapters would be intricate and unpredictable. There would be many unique characters, most of whose names would never be threaded into the fabrics of time. Whether at work, school, or passing through the streets we see people everywhere. Most come and go, quickly breezing though our lives like the passing wind on a spring day. A quick wave or head nod, and people are gone forever. Sometimes however, people hang around, get to know one another, and stay involved, forming relationships. Then out of all these relationships, there is that rare person that has a dynamic impact on every decision made in life. My mother, the most influential person in my life, has been that special person for me.
Growing up, whenever I have needed anything my mom has always been the first person I turn to. No matter what I have forgotten or what kind of trouble I am in, I never fear calling my mom and asking for help. As a young child, my father spent long hours working to strengthen and build his Gutter Company. My mother worked at a travel company. At this time, I was four and going to kindergarten at Our Redeemer, a private school in Dallas. Each day my mom would use her lunch break to pick me up and take me to lunch. Although I do not specifically remember, it must have been in these years that we grew close. Two years later, my parents were divorcing and my mom was looking for a house to raise my brother, sister and I. My parents had agreed to split custody, but we spent more time with my mom than dad. Wanting the best for us, my mom searched to find the nicest house within our price range, which was limited because my mom wanted to be at home every day when we arrived from school. We found a nice home in a classy neighborhood with great schools. From that point forward my mom put aside her dream career and committed to doing everything she could to be home and involved in our day to day lives. My mom was a single parent but we never went without. If we did not have enough money for everyone to get new clothes, she would sacrifice and be the one who went without. It was during this time our family grew close. I learned that whenever I have a family, the sacrifices are significant but necessary. My mom also taught me to have faith. There were times when her company she worked from home was not prospering but she kept faith.
It was during this time that time I saw from my mom's example the rigors of being a parent. I knew that being a good parent was essential to a kid's development and success in life. No one I knew, and no one I know today has worked harder for their children's future and present success than my mom.
Regardless of needing a new sweatshirt in the winter or advice in a difficult, unfamiliar situation, my mom has always been there. She was the recipient of the emergency phone calls that I made during the unfortunate times I forgot my lunch during middle school and the mom that my friends and I could always depend on for a ride before we became old enough to drive. I know that I can ask my mom for advice in any situation and that I am extremely fortunate to have such a phenomenal role model. My mom teaches me lessons every day. From her, I have learned to have faith, and what it takes to be a good spouse and an even better parent. At the end of the day, when all else fails relationships are all we have. My mom has been my most essential and valued relationship.
Heres the entire essay. Its a draft and I agree about the general to specific comment, I will see about changing that. And yes it is fun writing about our moms in these essays. Thanks for al the advice. I dont take any comments offensively so please be as harsh as you want! Thank you
Its a vey good essay overall. Try to make your intoduction shorter. You spend like five sentences on general stuff before you get to your actual story, so cut all of that out. Otherwise, a very powerful essay. Good luck on you admission!
Hi, I hope you didn't get tired of me talking. =D
After reading your essay, I truly thinks that your mum is really, really awesome, and definitely knows that she so much more than what you can ever squeeze into this essay. But you are doing something very dangerous here; you list everything down without elaborating what she really did, and as a reader, I never get to know how your mother has done anything for you that has truly inspired you to become someone better.
Sometimes ago, I wrote an essay about my grandfather. He took care of me from 3 - 9 and as I am writing the essay, I cried (yea not the manliest thing to do). But the response was good. Sometimes it gets all uncomfortable digging up your memories, but I think if you want the readers to be touched by your essay, you have to show them the details, cuz it is really hard to make others relate you your thoughts. Careful readers will pick up your train of thoughts, and observe your world as if they were standing right next to you. But first you need to open up yourself and show them what you have. Even if it fails, at least you have tried and there's nothing else to worried about.
If all these doesn't ring a bell, my final advice is focus on one incident when you mum really taught you a lot about faith, and talk about how you have changed. The focus is on you!
G L~
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