Tell me what you think about this one. Any feedback is appreciated.
Dear Roommate,
Though a bit shy, I am generally called Mr. Bollywood; so expect a hug and a big smile when I meet you. This generally removes my apprehension of meeting new people. It doesn't help that I've never shared a room with anyone except my canine companion. Thus it goes without saying that I am an avid animal lover. So, try not to be surprised if I turn up one day with a squirrel in my hand and a look of silly devotion on my face.
Your biggest nightmare would be my paranoia with organization on my study table. My desk would be uniquely neat at all times, with each item geometrically aligned. In contrast, my clothes would be strewn across my bed (much to my mother's annoyance), without a slightest hint of worry. Though a bit careless at times, I do manage to prioritize my daily chores and get my work done efficiently.
But I am not all of a nerd. I enjoy dancing along with listening to music. You may find me gyrating to the rhythmic tunes of a Bollywood song, or bouncing in sync to the beats of techno at random times.
Ultimately, if there's one thing that you can rely on, it's my support at all times. I am a trust worthy guy and I fit in well into my mother's description of a 'shrink'. I am confident that my adaptability and my warm nature will help me sail through and value this experience.
I think your essay is a bit all over the place. Try keeping it more organized.
It doesn't flow very well. There are no transitions into new topics. It doesn't read as one unified piece, it reads like a list. You don't want that. You should not change what you wrote about if those are really things that you want to express, but changing how these ideas are presented could really help. Changing the order could help. The last paragraph seems a teeny bit more put together than the first one.
The prompt asks you to write a letter to your future roomate, correct? Well, you need to keep in mind that a letter to your roomate will probably have to be a little different from a regular college essay. It's basically trying to figure out who you are. It may help if you read your letter from the perspective of your roomate. Think of what kind of letter you would want to get from a roomate that you have never met before and will probably be spending the first year of college with.
I think there is some flow with each paragraph, though I do not like the transitions which makes it go from one extreme to another (However, In complete contrast, But).
"In complete contrast, you must understand that I come from an Indian background; one that believes in hardly any independence." Really? Well, I know of the strong family bond, but as for the working independently thing, it's the exact opposite here. My parents tell me to not help out others and just be as cut-throat as possible - which is why I help out others as much as I can (aka, "Don't touch the stove, it's hot" --> *Touches it*).
Post the essay question, though. I can comment on it more once I know what you're supposed to write.
Hmmmmm well I think you need to make it more fluent and transitional. And some of it is awkward. I feel like some of the word choice is incorrect (e.g. "succumb").
In addition, I don't think it's good to say that your roommate won't be seeing much of you because you will be so busy juggling all your activities. This letter shouldn't be a moment to propose what potential activites you will be participating. I think it's more about depicting your personality. Really be genuine. Imagine you really are writing a letter to your roommate. What would you want to say?
Oh and perhaps if you focused on one thing, rather than discussing so many different things, it would make the letter stronger. I liked the part about your cultural roots. Maybe make that the cornerstone of your essay?
Hope that helped :D
Hey thanks guys :)
So here's the essay question:
"Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better"
So you guys are saying that I should focus on one aspect of the letter. Also, I need to change the transitions (or rather add them) right?
I don't think that just focusing on one aspect would be the way to go. One aspect is not going to give a full picture of who you are. You just need to make it more cohesive. Don't use this as an opportunity to list your activities to the admissions official, because that is kind of how I took it at first.
Haha I ended the reading thinking 'wow, I'd like to room with him':D 'Try not to be surprised if I turn up one day with a squirrel in my hand and a look of silly devotion on my face. ' was absolutely hilarious to picture.
I like this a lot better than the first one, cause it exudes warmth and a very personal feel. Does it highlight marketable skills? No. But it highlights a real person, and that's what I think they intended this essay to do. And I don't think it's all over the place or any of the other problems illustrated, so yeah:)
Good luck!
Much better! Everything is flowing nicely and it seems genuine and I get a picture of who you really are.
Minor changes:
I don't think that you will be actually cooking anything in your dorm, so that bit about being a good cook will probably be out of place. Just a thought.
My desk would be uniquely neat at all times; with each item geometrically aligned horizontally or vertically.
-incorrect use of a semicolon
-each sentence should be complete
Hope I helped!