Personal Statement 1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
As I write this essay, a close friend of our family is downstairs recovering from his (previously her) double mastectomy. Most people would consider a sex change a big deal, not only for the individual, but also for everyone around them; however, in my mom's household, this is far from an unusual undertaking. That can be attributed to the large diversity that is present in my mother's circle friends. Matter of fact it is quite common for all varieties of the lesbian gay bisexual transgender (LGBT) community to be seen around our house. It is just a part of day to day life for me. However, five years ago this would have seemed downright outlandish to me.
My whole life changed the day that my mom came out of the closet. I had just started seventh grade, and it was not all that long after my parents' separation. I vaguely remember my mom and sitting me and my sister down at the couch in our new unfamiliar rental home with no real explanation for what was going on. It was then that she told us. I really can't remember how. I am quite sure that I didn't even know what it meant for a person to be gay at that point in my life. I was just too young and too caught up in the traditional family model to even comprehend what it meant. I just felt so confused.
Now, five years later, I feel like I have really come to terms with my mother's choice. Her girlfriend of the past couple years currently resides with us and she is the equivalent a stepparent for me and my sister. My mother's unique friends are some of the more interesting people that I have met in my life. Whether it's the gay hairdressers, who feel the need to take responsibility for the wellbeing of my hair, and playfully tease my mother with the term "fag hag." Or the far more masculine lesbian couples with their interesting conversations and passion for manual labor. Or even our newest tenant the newly made man Dayne with his deep spiritual ties, and desire to help those in need. Whatever the case I never would have met these, much less had such an interesting connection with these people had it not been for my mother's decision. Of course I think about how the future might have been different had she not decided to embrace her nature, but I think that I'm better off for the way things turned out. If not for this I never would have been so open-minded and accepting of others for who they are. And if there is one thing that I aspire to continue with in my future it is to continue maintaining that open-mindedness
I'm pretty sure I didn't even know what it meant to be gay at that point.
This has some slang, (pretty sure) (that point)
Oh and you also shouldn't use contractions so revise your whole statement and take all those out.
Maybe for that one sentence it could be:
I am almost completely sure I did not even know what it meant to be gay at the time.
hope this helps! :)
I have an updated version now I would love final thoughts before I submit tommorrow.
You can't just start a sentence with Matter of fact... the expression, a colloquial, is usually like this: As a matter of fact it is quite common for all varieties of the lesbian gay bisexual transgender (LGBT) community-------ALSO, you can't have "varieties of a community." You can have multiple representatives of the community. You can have all varieties of LGBT friends... but not varieties of a community.
My mother's unique friends are some of the more interesting people that I have met in my life, whether it's the gay hairdressers, who feel the need to take responsibility for the wellbeing of my hair, and playfully tease my mother with the term "fag hag," or the far more masculine lesbian couples with their interesting conversations and passion for manual labor. ----look at how long I had to make this sentence! I had to connect 3 sentences or they all would have been incomplete. "Whether" can only be used this way if it is a continuation of the previous sentence.
Great job, Zachary. I hope the AO reader is open-minded, too. hey, this essay is very interesting because of your strong writing style, but I think it needs another dimension added to it. Even though you are writing about having an open mind, if you write only about this issue and focus too much on it you almost seem like you are not as open-minded as you say. With a completely open mind, you would not even think twice about it, much less write a whole essay about it. So I think you should just add another example of how you have had to keep an open mind... something not even related to people's lifestyles... know what I mean?
