Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
It is difficult to contemplate the amount of impact that all the people in my life so far, considering the fact that I am still prospering from all the profound influences around me, to help shape a more global and prospective achieving individual.
Taking in all aspects from the teachings that have been pressed upon me and utilized towards my future goals; Their has been one prestigious paragon in my life that has imprinted an impression on me, my mother. Carmina Montoya, Born in the city of Eagle Pass, Texas, entered a brutal world of distress and hunger.
Exposed to poverty and with no father figure, my mother was forced to be on a constant move, living with relatives throughout the United States and having to get the enormous hammy downs of clothes, that were four times her size. Thought despite her childhood struggles and being pregnant at such a young age, which had led her to dropping out of high school, my mother has always worked hard to provide what may seem the unachievable at the time; In hope that I would never have to experience the same difficulties that she had once encounter. Being such a prestigious women and a great mother figure, my mother always drilled the notion of going to college and making something out of myself; that nothing is impossible.
As the years passed by and the exposure to the enormous amount of impact that many have had in my life, my mother has made the most profound significance in my life. Through her struggles and hardship she has motivate me to achieve what I desire the most, being the first male in my family to graduate and on my way to attending a four year university, where I can major in International Business, so that I can give back to the poverty-stricken society and what better place to accommodate than University of Texas-- Austin, a place where I can expand my knowledge in a global prospective and contribute back to humanity.
Nice essay. I think it's a bit short though; depends on the requirements, anyways.
Anyhow, allow me indicate where I think improvements can be made. However, please don't depend on me to pinpoint all errors as I'm fairly new to essay writing.
It is difficult to contemplate the amount of impact that all the people have had on my life so far, considering the fact that I am still prospering from all the profound influences around me, to help shape a more global and prospective achieving individual.
Taking in all aspects from the teachings that have been pressed upon me and utilized towards my future goals, there has been one prestigious paragon in my life that has imprinted an impression on me: my mother. Carmina Montoya, born in the city of Eagle Pass, Texas, entered a brutal world of distress and hunger.
Exposed to poverty and with no fatherly figure, my mother was forced to constantly be on the move , living with relatives throughout the United States and having to get the enormous hammy downs of clothes, that were four times her size. Despite her childhood struggles and the fact that she was pregnant at such a young age, which had led her to drop out of high school, my mother always worked hard to provide me with what may have seemed the unachievable at the time, in hope that I would never have to experience the same difficulties that she had once encountered . Being such a prestigious woman and a great motherly figure, my mother always drilled the notion of going to college and making something out of myself - that nothing is impossible.
As the years passed by and the exposure to the enormous amount of impact that many have had on my life, my mother has made the most profound significance on my life. Through her struggles and hardships she has motivated me to achieve what I desire the most: being the first male in my family to graduate and on my way to attending a four year university, where I can major in International Business, so that I can give back to the poverty-stricken society and what better place to accommodate than University of Texas-- Austin, a place where I can expand my knowledge in a global prospective and contribute back to humanity.
thank you for the corrections:)
Hey, this is a great thread. It must have taken Assil a long time to do this. I want to add another correction, though:
It is difficult to contemplate the amount of impact that all the people in my life so far, considering the fact that I am still prospering from all their profound influences. around me, to help shape a more global and prospective achieving individual. We nee to chop that stuff at the end... chop it right off... too much, too confusing.
:-)
This sentence is too complicated, too:
As the years passed by and the exposure to the enormous amount... ---let's try to find a way to simplify. Unnecessary details tax the reader's attention and dull the experience of your essay.
So... streamline and simplify. Simple is powerful (and clear).
