In an essay of 300 words or less, explain to us your decision to apply for transfer to the University of Illinois.
In December 7th 2008 I and my husband got married then we moved to Champaign from Nepal. My husband works in an IT company in Champaign. It has been years for him working here. Everything was new for me. This is my first time coming to abroad. I was very excited as well as little bit nervous because of the environment here which is totally different from my home town. Now eight months has passed. In this period I tried myself to fit within this environment. My husband introduced me to different people. I made friends. We visited different places. In the same time I also visited University of Illinois.
Visiting University of Illinois was one of the great experiences in my life. I feel myself very lucky that I had an opportunity to grasp information about U of I. My friends who are already the students of UIUC explained me that it is one of the best universities in the world. Also it has the best colleges with highly ranked programs. The more my friends were explaining more I was curious to enroll myself in the world ranked university. I started to explore information about UIUC. I visited the website. I called undergraduate counselor to know my status as a student in UIUC. She was very friendly and cooperative. She explained everything in detail. Also she gave me her phone number for any questions that I have. This was highly beneficial to me. I was able to know about each and every step towards my admission procedure.
My desire changed to my final decision. Being a student I am always centralized towards my purpose of study. I consistently try my best to head towards the right path that will lead me to successfully achieve my goal and I think UIUC is the right place which will definitely help me to attain my short term goals.
Please give any suggestions.
Thanks.
InOn December 7th 2008 I and my husbandMy husband and I were married. thenAfter we moved to Champaign from Nepal. My husband works in an IT company in Champaign. It has been years for him working here.Are you trying to say that he has been working there for many years? Everything was new for me. This is my first time coming tobeing abroad. I was very excited as well as a little bit nervous because of the environment here which is totally different from my home townthe environment here is radically different from that of my hometown . Now eight months has passed. In this period I tried myself to fit within this environment.Maybe you should combine these two sentences.My husband introduced me to different people. I made friends. We visited different places.You should combine these sentences too. In the same time I also visited University of Illinois.
Visiting the University of Illinois was one of the great experiences in my life. I feelconsider myself very lucky that Ito have had an opportunity to grasp information about U of I. My friends who are already the students of UIUC explained me that it is one of the best universities in the world.You should rewrite this sentenceAlso itTHey explained how it also has the best colleges with highly ranked programs. The more my friends were explaining moreexpxlained the more I was curious to enroll myself in the world ranked university. I started to explore information about UIUC. I visited the website. I called undergraduate counselor to know my status as a student in UIUC.Combine. She was very friendly and cooperative. She explained everything in detail. Also sheShe also gave me her phone number for any questions that I have. This was highly beneficial to me. I was able to knowlearn about each and every step towards my admission procedure.
My desire changed to my final decision.Awkward. Being a student I am always centralized towards my purpose of study. I consistently try my best to head towards the right path that will lead me to successfully achieve my goal and I think UIUC is the right place which will definitely help me to attain my short term goals.Long sentence. And your short term goals? Shouldn't it b preparing you for the long term?
Lots of grammar issues. Is English your second language? Nice ideas though. Good Luck! :)
Take out the parts where you describe in such detail your interactions with the staff. Add information about your past educational experiences and what you hope to study at Champaign.
Thanks a lot.
Corrected one:
Arranged marriage might be an unheard story in the United Sates but it is still a very common practice in Nepal. I am one of the many girls whose marriage was arranged by our parents. Soon after we got married, we moved to Champaign, where my husband works in an IT company.
I completed the three years bachelors in business studies (BBS) from New Horizon College, affiliated to Triubhuwan University, Nepal and want to pursue a graduate career in the field of economics. I consider myself very fortunate that Anil, my husband, also supports this idea despite the fact that only in rare cases do the married girls in Nepal get to continue their studies. However, to get enrolled in the graduate school in the United States I need a four-year bachelor's degree. I want to get a bachelor's degree in economics so that I can get most of the coursework transferred from Nepal. Moreover, it will provide me an opportunity to get an in-depth knowledge in economics at the undergraduate level.
Living in the city of Champaign has provided me with a unique opportunity to closely observe and collect information about the University of Illinois. I believe UIUC is the best fit for me. Apart from its worldwide recognition for academic excellence and renowned faculty, its diverse student body with more than five thousand international students is remarkable. In addition to that, I like the city of Champaign and Urbana because they are not as congested as the big cities but still got most of the amenities and in a driving distance to cities like Chicago, Indianapolis and St. Louis. Moreover, being in Champaign will also allow our couple to live together and save me from relocating. I have experienced the Fighting Illini tradition informally for the last few months and am really impressed with it. I would like to be a formal part of this outstanding tradition so that I could grasp much more from it and also contribute from my side.
Further suggestions please:D
Soon after we got married, we moved to Champaign, where my husband works in an IT company.
You need to clarify who "we" is before this sentence.
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
In my second year in college, I opted to take part in a three day Basic Accountancy Training Program designed specifically for college students. I chose to participate because it was a good opportunity to gain practical experience on accounting work to supplement my textbook knowledge. Moreover, it would also allow me to explore future career paths.
The training program indeed turned out to be a challenging and educational experience. I dealt with real business data using different book-keeping systems to enter the data and prepare ledger accounts. It gave me an opportunity to learn how accounting was done in the real business world. I also got to meet with the representatives from different companies and banks and talk about job prospects in the field. They were interested to talk to me about their companies and job opportunities which provided an excellent networking opportunity for me. It was very exciting to be able to discuss my career path with professionals in the field I was exploring in. One of my contacts at the program informed me about an internship opportunity at his bank. Our discussion made me further interested as it was an excellent match for my interest and skills at the moment. I wanted to explore my possibilities and the internship seemed like the best way to do it. I was later called for an interview and was offered the internship position.
The training program was very relevant to my area of studies in college and also helpful in acquiring the internship where I not only learned about the job but also developed interpersonal and communication skills that would be invaluable in whatever career I choose in the future.
Please give some suggestions;)
Its not that interesting of an essay. It is really bland, because you state the obvious and mention things that anyone would expect from a training program. You do not cover any depth, in regards to how you benefited. Rather, you just make a point. Points should be developed, especially in application essays.
This essay also fails to convey your personality, due to the lack of personal narrative and emotions.
thank you guys:D
