'moved to a new house' - Personal Essay for Princeton App

Elementary school can be a cruel place. This is especially true when you have cowlicks, glasses, red cheeks and lips, and only one front tooth. People would call me "unitooth" in class, and I would smile, despite my pain. I loved my elementary school for its exciting projects and field trips, but I was always insecure in the social circles of the cafeteria and recess. Foursquare and wall ball were not my strengths, and despite my competency at jump rope, people soon wouldn't even let me play. Luckily, I had two good friends, but people made fun of me because they were girls, an elementary school abomination.

The summer after the sixth grade, my family moved to a new house in a different school district. Being an opportunistic boy, I realized that this was the time to change how others perceived me. I begged my parents for contacts, grew out my hair to hide the cowlicks, and even got braces to pull down my second front tooth. The culmination of my transformation was my change from Andrew to Andy. I thought that the "-drew" sounded nerdy, and the letter "-y" made my name look cooler. One result of my many efforts was that seventh grade was less excluding. I convinced some people that I was cool, and I was initially happy. My hard work had paid off. Unfortunately, being on guard was a necessary for me to continue being cool, and I was always acting like someone who I wasn't. In eighth grade, I even joined the football team, a true testament to my desperation. The jersey that I wore to school was my armor, and I was constantly fighting battles. This false persona continued until midway through my freshman year, when the football season ended. I realized how much happier I was when I wasn't physically and emotionally bruised every day. I started focusing more on school, and I received straight A's. I soon realized that I was reverting back to my elementary school years, but I hesitantly progressed. I don't even pretend to enjoy violence anymore, and I stopped saying "dude" when I was a sophomore. I cut my hair off once more, and my cowlicks now stick in every which way. Although I still wear contacts, and I can no longer accurately be called "uni-tooth", I am my quirky, easily excitable, and physically unfit self once more. I will continue to be called Andy, but I think I like Andrew better now. The "-y" sounds too cool, and the "-drew" sounds more scholarly.

PLEASE GIVE HARSH CRITICISM! I hope to apply to both Princeton and Swarthmore this fall.

Andy/Andrew I really liked your essay. It was interesting, but I have some suggestions for improving the essay. you can find them below:


use synonym.


do not use contractions


Why???


I think the use of "intimate friends" or "cronies" is better than the term "good friends". What do you think?



the word "cool" is not formal. Use another word such as "interesting", "attractive", "approval". For example :"I was looking for a way to be the center of attention and I was seeking other people's approval"


-----> Suggestion:"I was in the mold of another person and I always played a role like an actor"

One more point: You should write some sentences about the things that you learned through that period of time. You should talk more about positive aspects of your experiences.

Hi, Andrew)
Have to agree with Ahmad(who had good suggestions), your essay is nice.
But one thing I don't agree with him is what he thinks about the word "cool". It's an essay about personality and stuff like that, so I don't think it's necessary to use "formal" words and your essay itself doesn't sound serious -- "cool" for me is OK .

Hello Andy,

I will give you the harsh feedback. When we work with our clients, we never allow them to submit essays that we know will not help them stand out from the crowd of applicants. As I have written time and time again, applicants need to think outside of the box. Both Princeton and Swarthmore receive thousands of applications each year. How many times do you think they will read a story like this? I'll tell you.... exactly 15,001 times! This story has been told over and over and over and over again. The fact is, every teenager feels awkward and tries to reinvent him or herself at some point. Many even reinvent themselves again or as you have done, revert to a more comfortable self. What I am trying to say is that this essay is too generic. It has been told before, and will be told every year for eternity. In totality it is not a unique story although it happened uniquely to you. To make this story unique to Andy/Andrew and for the reader you will need to dig deeper. Maybe talk more about your experience with football. Since most nerds/geeks do not join the football team, this approach will certainly make your essay unique. Make your entire essay about that experience and how you felt at every stage along the way. Talk about why you signed up, how the new found fame made you feel on the outside as well as the inside. What were your struggles with your thoughts and football in general and ultimately what made you quit the team? By focusing on football, you can still get the same message across (staying true to yourself is important) but you will use a unique experience to make it entertaining, memorable and most importantly -unique. We can help -AAO

Again, I have to agree with Kevin, your essay in content is generic and talking about football might be better, but what I think is the first thing admission officers will look at is style and ability to write in original way. Not all people have exceptionally interesting lives, so every college applying student's essay may fall into being generic, common. sometimes it comes to writing truth or fabricating a little bit. However, imagine you are a cook. You participate in a competition and all the participants are asked with concocting the same dish. So the "content" is basically the same, but it's about making the dish stand out, taste better, even though the ingredients are identical. Similarly with essays, I think making an admission officer read the same "content" without feeling any boredom is writing expertise and that's what colleges look for in the first place.

Thanks for the tips everyone! Extraordinary!