How moving to the US changed me - CU Boulder Essay

Essay A - Max 500 Words
The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

I've put some parts in red, that I just feel sound .. wrong.. so I would love some help on those, but mostly I just wanna know if this essay answers the questions asked in the essay prompt.

"Why are you dressed as a schoolgirl?", my best friend Tania asked as we met on a windy day late in April. "I'm not just a schoolgirl", I replied, "I'm a Ravenclaw".

The poor Paraguayan girl just looked confused, so I explained that today was the International Harry Potter Day, and that I was dressed as a student from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She smiled, shook her head and gave me one of those looks that said "You may be a little crazy, but you're still my friend", and we started walking down Pearl Street toward our dinner destination. It was a busy Friday night, and so my Norwegian nature made me brace myself for funny looks and people pointing, yet nobody even looked at me twice. I have loved Boulder since the day I moved here, but this moment showed me just how perfect this city is for me.

Last year one of my friends back in Norway invited me to a party on October 30th, and so, assuming that this would be a Halloween party, I showed up wearing the same Ravenclaw costume. As I entered the room, I only had a second to see that no one else was dressed up, before I started getting awkward looks from everyone there. My friend and hostess for the evening came up to me and offered me to borrow some jeans and a t-shirt, but even if my cheeks were burning with embarrassment, I declined her offer. I later started thinking about how narrow-minded most of the people I know back home are. Apparently, if you've lived your whole life on an island so small that the deer outnumbers the humans, you're not allowed to be different. (Not sure what's bothering me so much about this part, but I'd love some advice on how to make it sound better.)

Then I moved to Boulder, and everything changed. I was on my own. I could do exactly what I wanted. If I wanted to spend a whole day in the park reading Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, there was no one to tell me that I should lay on a couch watching comedies instead. If I wanted to go to the library to study for my ESL-classes, there was no one to laugh and call me a nerd. I discovered a whole new freedom that I had never known before, and through this newfound freedom, I am finally getting to know myself. (I feel like this sounds a little too .. ugh, I don't even know..)

If I get in to University of Colorado at Boulder, I want to continue discovering what is truly me. I hope that by getting involved in the student community in general, and student groups such as CU International and CU Hiking Club in particular, I can get to know both international and American students with interests similar to mine. (I want to say something here about what I wanna get out of the actual studies too.) And hopefully, by the time I have completed my four years at CU, I will have developed both as a person and as a student, and be ready for what ever comes next.

It sounds good but it doesnt sound like a college essay.
It sounds like youre just explaining a story about how a costume party didnt turn out into what you thought it would. Its a good concept however.

I later started thinking about how narrow-minded most of the people I know back home are. Apparently, if you've lived your whole life on an island so small that the deer outnumbers the humans, you're not allowed to be different. (Not sure what's bothering me so much about this part, but I'd love some advice on how to make it sound better.)

I like that phrase a lot but the diction sounds akward. Try reading it out loud and see what words fit and what words dont.

I think what you should do is maybe find another example, one that sets you apart from others but one that others can also relate to?

I hope i was kinda helpful!

its a good topic.

the part you find awkward is because you've connected two unrelated clauses creating a relationship between living on an island and not being allowed to be different. basically by the time we get to the second clause we forget how the two are related. i would change the secind clause of how youre not allowed to be different. somehow refrase it to continue the flow of the sentence.

the second thing that bothers you, about the freedom. thats because you're telling. you want to refrain from telling how you feel especially in choppy bits and pieces. describe how you feel and how youve discovered yourself. like the sentences before it describe how you feel free. but this sentence summarizes it.. so i guess it isnt really necessary unless you can reason a better way to explain how you are getting to know yourself without being redundant.

Thanks. I think I'm sticking with this topic, I just gotta fix it up a bit, and make it clearer what it is that makes me diverse..:)