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'Moving to the States, enrolling to collage, and realizing goals' - COMMON APP Essay


Isl91 1 / -  
Nov 22, 2012   #1
This is my first draft so I'm planning on improving it.
hope I can get true opinions and advice, thanks.

PROMPT:Please provide a statement (appr. 250-500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

"Where're you going? Mohammed, you know may get killed if you go outside?" my mother said to me, while I was willing to go to the computer store to get the rest of the hardware of the computer I ordered. The store was located two blocks from our home. The reason my mother was concern about me, because it was the day civil war in Iraq has begun back in 2006. At that time, I was only 15 years old. The militias were convoying our neighborhood looking for Sunni's people, like me. While I was walking outside, there were no birds, just bullets and smoke in the sky. However, while walking in the streets, I was hiding behind the trees, concrete every time an insurgent's convoy passes. At that time, I didn't think about the dangerous situation I was in. instead, all I was thinking about is the rest of the computer hardware. Unfortunately, I went back home safe but without it , because the store was closed. I sat in front of my in complete desktop computer wondering "why I've put myself in such a dangerous situation?", then I realized that wanted to devote myself into computers field when I grow up.

After that, I decided to develop skills in different fields of computers. I started helping friends to install internet networks, from the external antenna to the receiver, installing modems and formatting computers. Then, I decided to delve deeper into this field. I started learning more about the SQL database Language, and the basics of writing queries. In addition, learning how to design websites was always a mystery for me. Thus, I spent long time watching tutorials; I started designing websites through HTML language. I ended up designing/managing numerous websites, whether it's forums, uploading centers, entertaining forums and more.

After moving to the states, I decided to enroll in college to achieve my goal. But my mother was always begging me to become a pharmacist. Unfortunately, I couldn't break my mother's hurt, so I decided to choose Math and Science as a major to start with. After taking courses form this major as a freshman, I figured that I don't belong there. So I explained to my mother that I don't fit in this field, and I can do better in the computer field. As a result, I changed my major to Computer Science. I consider that decision was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. In my sophomore year, I took courses in computer science. I found myself enjoying computer science classes, from software "Java, C++" and data base design.

Finally, I'm looking for the right University that can provide the best challenging environment to achieve my goal of being a successful computer scientist. A university hosts a strong computer science program to help me discover more about this field beyond the bounders of class room walls. I also wish to be surrounded by like-minded students who desire to learn for the sake of learning. However, as I had put myself through dangerous situation just to complete the parts of my computer to make it work, I would definitely do my best to achieve my goal to be a successful computer scientist.
NRessay 2 / 8 2  
Nov 22, 2012   #2
The reason my mother was concerned about me, because it was the day the civil war in Iraq hashad begun back in 2006.

...s in. Instead, a...

Unfortunately, I went back home safe but without it , because the store was closed
should be:
I went back home safe, but, unfortunately, without it because the store was closed.

I sat in front of my in complete desktop computer wondering "why I've I have put myself in such a dangerous situation?", thenThen I realized that I wanted to devote myself intoto the computers field when I grow up.

Those are some grammatical mistakes, but I think the idea is very good! Please review my essay if you can
Dearcollege2013 2 / 7  
Nov 30, 2012   #3
I started helping friends to install internet networks, from the external antenna to the receiver, installingsetting up(coz u used install before dont wanna repeat it.) modems and formatting computers.

....
In addition, learning how to design websites was always a mystery for meSince website design has always been a mystery to me. Thus, , I spent long time watching tutorials;before I started designing websites through HTML language.

Overall a nice essay:)


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