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Music- Competitiveness, stress, relief, expand wonders- UC / Potential to contribute

THis is for the Potential to Contribute on the UC app. Thanks...

Music has been with me all my life ever since I was 5, and still is a big part of my life. When I was 5, I was introduced to a great machine that consisted of 88 black and white rectangular blocks. At first my small growing hands could barely cover two of those huge white blocks. Now, I can cover more than 10 keys on each hand. Playing the piano for 10 years has helped me to expand to other instruments like the flute, drums, the turn tables and now in high school I am a section leader of the marimba, xylophone, and vibraphone section.

Freshman year of high school I was introduced to a xylophone, a bigger version of the piano except hitting the keys with mallets instead of fingers. Throughout the years, I had gained experience with professionals teaching me, and also gained leadership of teaching students. From my marching season, my section has won the highest award called sweepstakes a couple times. In the second semester I intend to compete with other marimba soloists that have the same passion as I do.

Music has been helpful for me in all ways for competitiveness, stress relief, and a great way to expand the wonders of the mind.


This is a fine start. I have just a few suggestions:

"all my life ever since I was 5" is a contradiction. I'd take out "ever since I was 5" since you go on to say that in the next sentence.

Say "gained leadership skills by teaching students"

"my section has won the highest award called sweepstakes a couple times" would sound better as "My section has twice won Sweepstakes, the highest award in [name of contest, division, whatever]."

You jump around a bit in time. Try making it a little more chronological to avoid confusion.

I hope this helps!


Sarah, EssayForum.com
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