"Music is my life" - Extracurricular Elaboration for Common App

I just saw some of the threads of the forum and thought the comments were very helpful in both increasing the quality of the comment, as well as the conciseness, of the essays. I will be applying to a number of high caliber schools this year (HYPS) and so I understand the free responses will be critical in determining whether I am accepted. Below is my extracurricular activity elaboration for the common app. I am very passionate about music (piano and clarinet) and would like to get that across in a fresh way to admission officials. Could you please offer some advice? I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks! (150 word limit. I'm currently 20-30 over)

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Music has been an instrumental part of my life for as long as I can remember. It has transcended the characterization as a hobby into something far more, a way of life. Performing a piece of music is analogous to living a quality life. Every teacher I have known has inculcated common tenets of performance into me: clarity of voicing, rock-solid rhythm, dynamic contrast, and most importantly, purity of expression. In daily life, these tenets translate into moral rectitude, discipline in maintaining good health, well-roundedness, and personal vision for the future. What good is a performance that does not reflect the performer's unique perspective towards the music? Similarly, what good is a life that aims only to follow in the footsteps of another? Performance in chamber or ensemble settings has taught me the value of collaboration in creating a musical product greater than the sum of each individual performance. If I live life according to how I am taught music, I am surely on the right path.

I can feel your passion for music in your writing, it's very well written.

Thanks! Are there any wordings/phrases that could be clarified? Also, how could I trim about 20 words without losing the meaning?

I think that you have conveyed your passion for music rather well.


You could maybe remove this so that you would not exceed the word limit.
It's just my opinion though.
Good Luck :)

Music has been an instrumental part of my life for as long as I can remember. It Music has transcended the characterization as a hobby and become something far more: a way of life.

This whole essay is awesome. I like how you come up with equivilents of musical attributes in other aspects of life. The second half of the last sentence is a little boring, but other than that I would not want you to change anything.

Notice, though, that (above) I scratched out your cliched first sentence!! :-)

This is well written, it looks good I wouldn't like to change anything, but if you must, look into the sentence that is wordy, but all the same is ok.

goodluck