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'Myriad qualities and characteristics' - bump in the road


amandaplease 1 / -  
Sep 22, 2011   #1
I am applying for UCF and the prompt is
If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

I'm not close to being done but I really need someone to read over it and critique it, and give ideas!!

Thank you for your time

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"One out of every four teenagers is bullied during the school year." The obstacle in my personal life is that I am one out of those every four students. I did not see myself as the typical bully victim; I have never had an issue with fitting in or getting along with my peers. Many victims lose their self-confidence and determination, but that is where I am different! Although I will have emotional scars forever, I will not let my memories hinder me from achieving my goals or blinding me from _______. I believe obstacles are there to teach us something about ourselves. Personal growth transpires when we learn to face challenges and remain self-willed, disciplined, and true to ourselves. I thank the bullies for my success; they have helped me to become a stronger person, taught me how to overcome the challenges I am faced with, and to be thankful for all of the blessings in my life.

Strength is not just a physical characteristic, it does not have a definition or limitations when it comes to describing people. To me, strength comes from within; it is the ability to move on from tough situations and to transform weaknesses into strength. I have learned a lot about myself and gained much insight about my future

I have myriad qualities and characteristics that I would contribute to the University of Central Florida community. I am responsible and committed.

ibsurd2012 1 / 9  
Sep 23, 2011   #2
Hi There

I think your ideas are good and the prompt is answered, but the writing could be improved. The first quote

"One out of every four teenagers is bullied during the school year." The obstacle in my personal life is that I am one out of those every four students.

could be better integrated into one sentence i.e. "One out of every four teenagers is bullied during the school year", and I was one of them, as an example. I think that you should try and show the obstacle that bullying was to you rather than saying "the obstacle in my personal life is" cause that's what the prompt is telling you to show. I also think that the ideas could be structured better by using a coherent flow instead of giving point by point information. I also think that the last sentence should be illustrated through perhaps your sheer determination to succeed in spite of bullying and the effects that it had your life instead of

I am responsible and committed.

Hope this helps. If you need more help I'm always available.


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