I think your ideas are good and the prompt is answered, but the writing could be improved. The first quote
"One out of every four teenagers is bullied during the school year." The obstacle in my personal life is that I am one out of those every four students.
could be better integrated into one sentence i.e. "One out of every four teenagers is bullied during the school year", and I was one of them, as an example. I think that you should try and show the obstacle that bullying was to you rather than saying "the obstacle in my personal life is" cause that's what the prompt is telling you to show. I also think that the ideas could be structured better by using a coherent flow instead of giving point by point information. I also think that the last sentence should be illustrated through perhaps your sheer determination to succeed in spite of bullying and the effects that it had your life instead of
I am responsible and committed.
Hope this helps. If you need more help I'm always available.