My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's

This is my topic of choice essay for the commonapp. I want this to be the BEST it can be because I do not want to have to rewrite this whole essay all over again for the fourth time. lol. By the way, the second actual paragraph has some issues, it's a lot of the same sentences, I just don't know which one sounds the best.

Please critique!

My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's

January 1st, 2008

I put on my American clothes, eat my American breakfast, and attend my American school, but I realize something is missing.

August 1st, 2008

It's over? Already? My seven week journey in this country began mid-June and I'm left with just one day. In less than 24 hours, I'll be hauling my luggage down the three flights of stairs I climb every day, taking the metro through the city to Plaza Cataluńa, and then catching the bus to the airport.

I've seen all the sights I had wanted to see, tried everything I had wanted to try, and did everything I had wanted to do but it still seems like I shouldn't be going home. I love the diversity and knowing that I'm a part of it all. Being around the hundreds of different nationalities, languages, and cultures gives me a sense of multiculturalism/internationalism. Being here makes me feel a part of the world. I've made friendships with people from all corners of the world, from Montenegro to Singapore./I now have friendships not only in the USA, but also from all corners of the world, from Montenegro to Singapore. I am now a part of all the diversity I had been wanting to be a part of when I first enrolled in the exchange program. Behind all the flags, races, and languages are people who really are all the same.

I remember back to freshman year when I opened my first Spanish book and saw sombreros, burritos, a map of South America, and J. LO, which always helped ease my confusion. Then, the basic Spanish was "too fast" for my un-trained ears. However, among my classmates, I was considered one of the lucky ones. I could pronounce "perro" (dog), "correr" (to run), and even "ferrocarril" (railroad) thanks to my trilling tongue. After studying all the unfamiliar accent marks and learning more about the culture-which I had thought just consisted of Taco Bell and the Macarena- I was intrigued even more. I knew I needed to immerse myself if I wanted to expose myself to Spanish as much as possible.

Traveling to a country of Picasso, cheek-kissing, and the Flamenco was definitely an immense change coming from suburbia. Nothing familiar existed, yet I loved it. Some major adjusting has taken place, too. I adapted to a bedroom the size of a closet, a starving stomach waiting till 9 p.m. to eat dinner, and sitting through the torture of watching weird voice-overs to American sitcoms. My stay here has been difficult at times, but amazing, to say the least.

Now that I have successfully finished my journey here in this country, I'm simply proud of myself. Proud of proving to everyone back home that I could do it. Proud of waking up at 7 a.m. to attend four hours of Spanish classes, Monday through Friday. Proud of traveling alone to a foreign country. Proud of being able to flow my Spanish. Proud of straying from the norm and experiencing something new.

Proud of being able to say I was exchange student.

Muchísimas Gracias Barcelona.

^Present tense.? Even though, it happened, more than a year ago in the past


^Since when was diversity restricted to cultures only? I think you should be more specific, and mention cultural diversity

I do not see why you would list countries from M to S. It suggests you have not met people from China, India, Africa etc, all of which can be found abroad in large populations.

How are these people all the same by the way? Intellectually? Culturally, lol?

That paragraph does need work. Grammar is so inconsistent and your points need clarification.

The rest needs work as well, but I can not review it now.

Maybe it's a diary excerpt?


You were around hundreds of different nationalities, languages, and cultures? Like...they were in your vicinity? Or are you just refering to U.S.A in general.


In what ways? This seemingly contradicts the diversity that you talk so much about.


Perhaps you should talk more about why you loved it because you make it sound quite the uncomfortable experience.

You don't quite show me through your essay how you could be a good candidate. Perhaps you should focus on how Spain has molded your individuality or carry on your idea of multiculturalism to the conclusion and show how that may contribute.

What, specifically, did you like about the experience? What did you learn from it? How will what you learned make you a better university student? The experience itself is fine, but you need to go into a lot more detail for this to be the sort of essay you are looking for.

No, that's OK. It creates a sense of immediacy, and the date makes things clear.

Thank you everyone. I'm glad I posted this because now I see some the mistakes I otherwise wouldn't have seen.

Also, I tried writing it as a diary excerpt...which explains why I did the january part in present tense too.

I'll continue molding my essay and then I'll repost it here again to see if it improved anymore.

Which is fine! Although the second part starts to fade away from the diary style.

^After that first sentence, it is not even clear that you are writing in a diary format/layout. That is why I questioned it in the first place. I did not know if it was for a diary like effect or not

Ahhh...I've been trying to tweak this essay for the past month, but nothing SPECTACTULAR is coming to me. I feel like it has the potential to be a great essay, I just don't know how to get it there.

...and my essay is due november 1st.

ANY ideas?

I'd delete this one. :-)

I agree with EF_Sean. there needs to be some resolution of how what you learned applies to the experience you are about to have. Make the connections that are relevant.

Cultural diversity is a big thing now. Those who can move easily among persons of different cultures are valued. Play that up some more, perhaps with some examples.

Thank you EF_Stephen and thanks for being nice!

I've been actually editing this essay for the past hour and I've added an example and changed/deleted many of the sentences. I'll repost it soon. Hopefully, it'll be my last draft, before any last minute tweaks.

NEW VERSION:

PLEASE critique it, critique it, critique it, but don't be too harsh on me lol I need some confidence since I'm applying to my colleges this week!

Here it is (732 words...kinda long):

January 1st, 2008

I put on my American clothes, eat my American breakfast, and attend my American school, but I realize something is missing.

August 1st, 2008

It's over? Already? In less than 24 hours, I'll be hauling my luggage down the three flights of stairs I climb every day, taking the metro to Plaza Cataluńa, and then catching the bus to the airport where I will travel 4325 miles back "home".

Before I came here, I knew I was not the type of person who typically enjoyed sappy telenovelas, cheek-kissing everyone I met, or a starving stomach waiting for dinner at 10 pm. However, I didn't come here to put myself through what we Americans would call torture; I came in order to get a sense of a new world.

Living in a foreign country has been an immense, yet welcomed change coming from suburbia. I now realize that living a foreign country for seven weeks and living in a foreign country for spring break are two completely different experiences. I was determined that I'd be able to succeed here, and I did, but it wasn't as easy as I had thought it would have been. Here, nothing familiar exists, yet I love it. There are no yellow school buses, Wal-Mart trips, or all the reality shows. Spanish consumed the majority of my conservations and it began flowing off my tongue more than English. The beaches of the Mediterranean Sea replaced the corn fields, public transportation replaced automobiles, and a historical, urban metropolis replaced my quiet small town. Coming here was a change, and a necessary one for me, if anything.

I can still remember back to freshman year when I opened my first Spanish book and saw sombreros, burritos, a map of South America, and J. LO, which always helped ease my confusion. Then, the basic Spanish was "too fast" for my un-trained ears. After studying all the unfamiliar accent marks and learning more about the culture-which I had thought just consisted of Taco Bell and the Macarena- I was intrigued even more. I knew I needed to immerse myself if I wanted to be exposed to Spanish as much as possible.

Seven weeks isn't much to grasp an entire culture. Therefore, I felt the need to explore as many areas of the city as I could. Most days of my exchange, I would take the public bus to a random part of the city, using only my Spanish skills and map to return home after my adventure. However, even among all the exciting trips to all the famous landmarks, one of my most memorable experiences occurred/took place at a run-down park. Even though it lasted only a few minutes, it still is imprinted in my brain. Once I got off the bus, I walked over to the park bench and sat next to a woman in her 20s. We conserved in Spanish and she asked where I was from. Nonchalantly, I told her I was from the United States. Taken aback, she asked why I would ever leave my country to come to a country like Spain. I told her that something had always drawn me to Europe. Whether it was the eccentric countries, romance languages, or the Mediterranean, I was intrigued, and I was determined to learn more. Regardless of what I had said about her country, she was more fascinated by the fact that I lived in the United States and how she wanted to live there so bad. Eventually, I left the park without knowing the impact this encounter would have on me. It never really had hit me before how much I had taken for granted living in the United States. While I don't think any particular country is better than another, I am proud and grateful to live a country like America. Not everyone in the world is "free" like I am in the USA. Not everyone is able to speak their mind as they please or has the opportunities that we have in the USA.

And if it weren't for me coming to this exotic country, I may have never have realized how great it is to live in a country like the United States.

So, as these last 24 hours fall upon me, I'll pack up my final memories of a city I can now call my second home.

Muchísimas Gracias Barcelona.

Anybody?

There are a couple places that could be improved. It has a nice overall feel to it. Stephen' suggestion to tie the essay and the experience back to starting college in the fall is a good one.

Here are a few thoughts:


Put the period inside the quotation marks. On another note, I know that the formatting here doesn't allow you to cut and past and maintain the italics, but when you write for submission, make sure to italicize the foreign words--unless they have been incorporated into English that is.


The first part of the sentence gets a little wordy. It isn't incorrect, but if you are worried about your word count, it would be easy to pare things here. I was going to try to rewrite it and make it a little shorter, but when I read it again, I realized that I don't quite know what you are saying. Are you saying that you were okay with the telenovelas, dos besos, and dinners at ten after you got there? Or that you knew those things would be torture for you? Try to not only pare down the words, but to clarify them as you do so.


The word order is a little awkward here. It makes it sound like the change is coming from suburbia. I am thinking that "welcome" would be better than "welcomed," but I don't know why it sound better to me so I hesitate to even throw that out there.

I gotta run. Good luck with it.

"However, I didn't come here to put myself through what we Americans would call torture; I came in order to get a sense of a new world."

Should I put "we Americans" or "us Americans"?

You should be able to hear which one is right if you simplify the sentence:

"It's not what we would call torture."
"It's not what us would call torture."

"We would call it torture."
"Us would call it torture."

Definitely go with "we."