Personal Narrative, Background story; Undergraduate Admissions

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. My writing is not great, so bare with it :(

Parents, the ones who pass on particular traits to their children, determine a child's biggest strength. My parents gave me the gift of perspective. It started when both my parents flew into America from a rural county in China, Fuzhou. My father came to America on November 1989,and my mother shorty came after him on March 1992. Neither of my parents had college education in China. My parents left everything behind when they came into the promised land. They worked in a sweltering metal restaurant for 12 hours a day to make ends meet. All of their funds poured into their children's education;a education that was not granted so easily to them. At an early age, I learned how lucky I was.The sugar-coated veil around the world faded from my eyes. To be successful was to word hard and stay head-strong. I live in a plot of land, and have a plethora supply of water. My stomach is never empty, and I can attend a system called education; a system most people in the world can not attend to. Because of their values in education, I will become trend along a path to become a Biomedical Engineer.

With the new profound motivation, I applied myself to get into BC Calculus and AP Biology. With every test, neurotransmitters flood into the synapses; each containing its own unique code of instructions to achieve success. My mind makes connections between two seemingly different objects. A certain problem stumps me on a test. I pour my resources into finding the answer to the test. My parents taught me how to function in times of stress. They were the symbol of the American dream. Drenched in sweat, they took received orders and managed a chef position in searing temperatures, I, on the other hand, continue master my brain to it's full potential. Even though I can't find it during a confined period, the question continues to lurk and pester my curiosity until I finally find a way to solve it. In addition to excelling in my studies, I learn from my dad life skills.

Outside of a confined school, my mind roams to find connections, and release stress. While I volunteer at Umass, I weave myself connections from the supervisors of my labor. I scout for jobs through volunteering. In addition, I attempt to find connections through Wendy's, a fast food joint I work at. I connect with PHD students and learn from their mistakes. I part In my free time, however, I lift weights. the weights pump adrenaline into the bloodstream. The stress just diffuses into the air. I set goals of maximum weights to bench, squat, and deadlift. When lifting the maximum weight, my blood rushes to my brain, and I lift the world off of atlas's shoulders. Afterwards, my body is broken of fatigue and I trend along with my stress dissipated; my mind, however, is sharp as needle afterwards. My parent's motivation is flaming within me. I invest that same flame to my pursuit to happiness; right now, to become a biomedical engineer, a person who will save lives from the his or her work.

Once narrowed to Boston University, I plan to achieve a master's degree and research my life-long goal, to improve someone's life through my work. Although I currently am unable to apply myself to this extent, I will get there through blood, sweat, and tears.

Tempestx, you have provided a very nice personal statement about your personal and academic motivations for your college studies. But that is not the topic of the prompt. What you need to provide in answer to it is a story or situation that you found yourself in that helped you become the person you are today. This is not about the story of your parents and how they saved to send you to school. Neither is this a statement of purpose for Biomedical Engineering school. This is an essay that wants to get to know you as the unique individual that you are. All the information that you stated about yourself here can be learned by the admissions officer by reading the other app essays that are part and parcel of your student application documents.

So talk abut yourself in a unique manner. If you have a talent or skill that you feel will help you become a better college student, tell them about it and talk about how it has helped you become a better person. Pick a central identity story that will help describe who you are as a person. Not as a student or a son/daughter. Do you have an interesting point of view on a certain matter that you feel helped develop your personality? Talk about it in this essay.

The best suggestion I can give you is this, look at the topics provided for the essays in the application. Write about whatever is not covered in the essay prompts that relates to your development as a person. This will be the important background story that you have to tell. It can even be about your struggle to fit into the American educational system when you first arrived and how you finally found your niche in the system even with the obstacles in your path.This is the only way you can properly address the essay prompt.

Thanks for the feedback I will rewrite. I was wondering if I could talk about this prompt. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn? Weight lost journey and ect. I feel that If I don't include something pertaining to school it doesn't really benefit me. My cuisine told me that "it needs to show why your the best student for that college" type of thing :/ So im kind of lost right now. Should I write about what makes me me? Thanks for your reply and time so far!!

Tempestx, you should really start a new thread for that particular prompt so that we can concentrate solely on helping you improve that essay also. Mixing it with this thread will confuse not only you, but the advisers as well. I will offer you some guide questions to base your essay upon here though, only because you are planning to write that essay already. So here it goes:


- You should definitely write about what incidents in your life helped you become the person you are today. If it means writing about your weight loss journey and how you learned to let your cooking speak for you then so be it. Write a draft and then post it in a separate thread. Remember to concentrate on the issues that led to your weight gain and then the problems it posed. Then talk about your journey towards weight loss and the lessons you learned from both incidents. That is all I can think of for now. I am sure that we can help you further once you post your prompt and draft in a new thread.