Our new Art Club President!; Stony Brook Honors; Experience

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

"Let's count the ballots"
"Okay, could you do it? I'll be right back." I said as I left the room to make a phone call.
"Sure."
When I came back, everyone in the room was smiling at me.
"There she is! Our new Art Club President!" I heard my art teacher's voice say. I spun around; she had written my name on the board, following the word "President".

My two friends and I had been speaking of this day for a while, wondering if it would be possible to divide the presidency into 3, since each of us wanted the title. Knowing this, my art teacher had decided to let the students of art club decide. Each of us was to give a brief 2-minute speech of why we thought we should be president. Being the last speech, after hearing the wonderful, motivated and inspired speeches of my buddies, I felt like I couldn't even compare. I wanted to badly for one of them to win after hearing their speeches - each of them really cared about representing art club. With this in mind, I got up and smiled to my audience of 25, and gave the most modest speech I could give, finishing off with:

"I really don't mind if you don't pick me, the other two are just as great. And even if only one of us wins, we all represent art club, because we each care about it so much."

After counting the ballots, it appeared as if I had won by a landslide - with about a 10-ballot difference. It hit me then that while I may be modest and reserved, people actually looked up to me and valued my opinions. That decision had honestly been a turning moment this year, because I always saw myself as a sort of background supporting character, a sidekick who helps the needy one step at a time. I hoped that my efforts would cause ripple effects, and maybe I could start something big by doing something small. However, becoming the president of art club showed me that I didn't need to wait for people to notice me, because they already had. With this in mind, my confidence has increased tenfold, and now I feel like it is possible even for someone like me to represent a large group of people.

it's about 100 words short, i know i need to add stuff but I'm not sure what? It's 500 words max and right now I have about 400. help would be much appreciated! thanks!

I think this is a very well written essay that flows nicely. But I think something to work on and if you like, to bring your word count up, is what you took from this experience. You described your realization and increased self confidence but on a very generalized manner. Perhaps stating some specific impacts of this event would emphasize its importance and how it has changed you.

Good luck and if you have the time, I would really appreciate your help on my common app essay.

thanks, is this better? it's exactly 500 now :D

"Let's count the ballots"
"Okay, could you do it? I'll be right back." I said as I left the room to make a phone call.
"Sure."
When I came back, everyone in the room was smiling at me.
"There she is! Our new Art Club President!" I heard my art teacher's voice say. I spun around; she had written my name on the board, following the word "President".

My friends and I had been speaking of this day for a while, wondering if it would be possible to divide the presidency into 3, since each of us wanted the title. Knowing this, my art teacher had decided to let the students of art club decide. Each of us was to give a brief 2-minute speech of why we thought we deserved the presidency. Being the last speech, after hearing the wonderful, motivated and inspired speeches of my buddies, I felt like I couldn't even compare. I wanted so badly for one of them to win after hearing their speeches - each of them really cared about representing art club. With this in mind, I got up and smiled to my audience of 25, and gave the most modest speech I could give, ending with:

"I really don't mind if you don't pick me, the other two are just as great. And even if only one of us wins, we all represent art club, because we each care about it so much."

After counting the ballots, it appeared as if I had won by a landslide - with about a 10-ballot difference. After the election, many freshmen had begun asking me for assistance on their art projects, specifically paintings after seeing the ones I frequently carry to and from the art room. One freshman, whose name escapes me at the moment, told me her favorite medium was watercolor, which also happened to be mine and so we discussed for most of the hour about why we loved it so much. After the senior presidents of art club had graduated, I had hoped that the new president would be just as friendly and approachable as the last. I never thought that it would be my job to preserve the welcoming atmosphere that art club bestows on its members.

It hit me then that while I may be modest and reserved, people actually looked up to me and valued my opinions. That decision had honestly been a turning moment this year, because I always saw myself as a sort of supporting character, a sidekick who helps the needy one step at a time. I hoped that my efforts would cause ripple effects, that maybe I could start something big by doing something small. However, becoming president of art club showed me that I didn't need to wait for people to notice me, because they already had. With this in mind, my confidence has increased tenfold, and now I feel like it is possible even for someone like me to represent a large group of people.

Definitely better! I think you're set. (: