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My Newfound Independence - UC Prompt 2


jasmintran 1 / -  
Oct 30, 2010   #1
Please give me feedback on this essay. Do you guys think I am addressing all parts of the prompt?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Unlocking the door, I enter my home as my footsteps on the wooden floor and the drop of my backpack create the creaking echoes of my shared studio. I go to my desk and find the money my mom left me to buy something to eat. The United States did not seem what my mother had originally described. I didn't understand why we had to leave Germany, where my family all lived together in my beautiful brick home. My mother told me that moving to the United States was an opportunity to make our lives even better than what we already had.

When I was 9, my mother, siblings, and I left my father behind and moved to America. It was an easy adjustment at first as my siblings and I went to school while my mother worked. As the year went by, my mother started working night shifts to support our family. Eventually, I would only see her late at night dropping down on the bed with a weary face; the cheery face that I remembered was no longer there.

To help my mother, I started working as a piano teacher at age 13. I did not want her to pay for all my sports and club fees, school materials, piano lessons, and clothes, so I started paying for them with the earned money I would make from teaching little kids. Although it was difficult at first to manage students slightly younger than me, I felt proud of myself for easing my mother's burden. It made me happy to see her not having to worry as much about paying for all my expenses.

After a while, my siblings left my mother and me. As I came home, I was no longer greeted with "hello," but the sound of my own echoes. Although no one was there to tell me to do anything, I immediately started my homework once I closed the door. I learned and studied the material myself, even though I often did not understand the concepts. I continued to do my homework and study until I was finished, and I went to sleep when I felt I needed to. When I got an A or F on a test, no one cared besides me. Although I am not rewarded or punished for my grades by my family, I always felt a sense of my own pride when I succeeded at something.

Not having my family around was a drastic change for me. I had to learn how to manage my own time, help myself out on my homework, and set my own standards. No one encouraged or discouraged me from joining all my school and extracurricular activities, working as a piano teacher, or taking the most rigorous courses in school. Even though there was never a penalty or payment for my decisions, I always felt a sense of accomplishment whenever I had achieved in something. And despite the beautiful life I had in the past, I am appreciative of learning how to take care of myself. I am proud to have discovered my newfound independence.

Word Count: 516

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Nov 4, 2010   #2
The United States did not seem to be what my mother had originally described.

I didn't understand why we had to leave Germany, where my family all lived together in our beautiful brick home.

It was an easy adjustment at first, as my siblings and I went to school while my mother worked.

I am proud to have discovered my new found independence.

I think you covered all areas of the prompt just by giving the piano lessons! Nice essay, good luck in school.

:)


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