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'A Night Classes program' - college application short response


ryan 3 / 2  
Jan 14, 2007   #1
Thank you for anyone that helps me about my college application. The due day is tomorrow...

Question: In the space provided below, please describe which of these activities has had the most meaning for you, and why.

I was elected as the president of the class of 2007 in high school. My job was to supervise students as they participated in school and community activities and to coordinate teachers that give students academic helps. I organized the 2005 New Year's Overnight Carnival and assisted members of my class to participate in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sports Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a strong friendship between students in my high school and the Children in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, I have successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help for many students who were struggling in their schoolwork. As president, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I developed this skill in high school that will be helpful for me when I go to college. I contacted with many people and listened to many opinions when I was a president. I found that listening can provide a good leadership. So, being a good listener is an important skill to survive in a college. In classes, I listen to professor; when communicate with classmates, I listen to their opinions. Listening means thinking, since I can analysis what others think; listening means speaking, in order to let people listen to me, I should be a good listener first; listening means learning, since I can learn from others speeches. College is a place where I prepare myself for this small community and in future for the larger world.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 16, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I'm sorry for the delay; the ice storm kept me from answering you sooner. If you haven't turned in your essay yet, I'd be happy to help you with editing it. Please let me know if you still need assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP ryan 3 / 2  
Jan 18, 2007   #3
Yes...I still some other schools need this.
Thank you for helping me.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 19, 2007   #4
Greetings!

I think you have written a good essay. It starts off strong, but I think could use a little bolstering toward the end. Here are some suggestions.

"give students academic helps." - should be "help."

"I have successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help" - your verb tense is confusing. I recommend saying "I successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which provided extra help ..."

"Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person." - This could be stronger. How about "Leadership is one of the most important skills a person can have in today's world."

"contacted with many people" - say either "connected with many people" or use "contacted" and take out "with."

"when I was a president." - just say "when I was president."

"I found that listening can provide a good leadership. So, being a good listener is an important skill to survive in a college. In classes, I listen to professor; when communicate with classmates, I listen to their opinions. Listening means thinking, since I can analysis what others think; listening means speaking, in order to let people listen to me, I should be a good listener first; listening means learning, since I can learn from others speeches. College is a place where I prepare myself for this small community and in future for the larger world." - This paragraph has some grammatical problems and is hard to follow, logically. I'd suggest a re-write something like this:

"Being a good listener is an important skill for surviving in college. Listening relates to many other things: listening relates to thinking, since, by listening, I can analyze the way others think; listening relates to speaking, because in order for people to listen to me speak, I must first be a good listener; listening relates to learning, since I can learn by listening to others. I have found that, through listening, I can provide good leadership. College is the place where I will prepare myself in this small community for a future in the larger world."

Best of luck with your college applications!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP ryan 3 / 2  
Jan 19, 2007   #5
Many many thanks....


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