With a grant of $5000, I would initiate an entrepreneurial program for youth in Aboriginal communities to study its effects on the futures of the youth and the growth of the communities. When I attended a conference on youth justice, I met students from across Ontario, many of whom lived on Aboriginal reserves. I became friends with them and learned about the lack of opportunities in their communities, especially for youth. In fact, one of my new friends told me that there were only two students who graduated from their local high school in ten years, and the majority of youth drop out of school or are incarcerated at one point or another. As a firm advocate for education and self-empowerment, I believe that the lack of investment in Aboriginal youth is what leads them to lose hope in their futures. Youth entrepreneurial programs will help empower them at a crucial period of their development and decrease drop-out rates and incarceration rates dramatically. Furthermore, Native youth have strong ties to their communities; when they succeed as individuals, they will most likely return to their communities to improve the lives of their families and pave the way for the next generation.
Bump, sorry, submitting this tonight!
I'm really impressed with the essay. You show critical thought in what you would do with the grant and bring out your values. What I like about it most is that you show your idea in a chain of circle in which you help someone get up and graduate, and when they finish their college education, they come back and help someone else get back which starts a never ending cycle. I really like your idea and how you conveyed it. I'm really impressed with. Everything is coherent and you have flow.
You're a really strong writer. Can you give my Columbia Supplement a read?
Well first things first, you taught me something new :D
Alright, down to business:
Maybe start with something more eye- catching. Maybe like a statistic. Or the fact that only 2 people graduated from that HS in 10 years. Thats certainly eye catching.
Really interesting topic.
Maybe try some new transition words instead of , "In fact," and "Furthermore". They just stick out and break up the flow of your essay in my opinion.
I think thats about it. PLEASE CHECK OUT MY REVISED PRINCETON ESSAY!
I really like your essay. A lot of detail and personal experience that you brought into it. You provide good background information that initially gave you the idea of the empowerment/improvement of Aboriginal youth, and then brought this idea into action. Well done! I've actually already applied early app for Notre Dame as well and am already accepted. I wrote the same supplement as you but I took an engineering approach to this question. Best of luck!
Do you mind taking a read for my essay for Cornell?
