My heart raced as I sat in the passenger seat of his car. My eyes stayed glued to my new boots with tears struggling to escape the edges.
"Look at me, why can't you look at me Kal? Just look at me. Kalli?" His words kept replaying over in my mind again and again. I just wanted it to go away, I needed it to go away, I was desperate for an escape, for something, anything, to get me out. Slowly, I reached into my pocket for my sunglasses and lifted up my head.
Chanel, Ray Bans, Ralph Lauren. The microscopic letters etched into the plastic side of my glasses hold no meaning for me, yet the dark brown shields hovering over my eyes speak differently. Friends associate me as the little girl with the big sunglasses taking up her entire face. "Bug eyes", they usually call me. Everyone thinks I wear them for style or to look "cool". And what do I say? Nothing. What can I say? That's the problem. For the bulk of my high school years I've struggled to find myself, so how could other people ever understand? Should I tell them the truth and seek advice? Nah. I'd rather just put my sunglasses on so I don't have to face reality.
Hiding my face kept all my emotions hidden. Yeah, I was physically in the presence of friends everyday, but emotionally, my sunglasses concealed everything for me. My friends always said they would understand me, but I knew they wouldn't. I was confident no one would get me. So why bother telling them anything? They would just judge me, act like they care and then turn around and talk. Isn't that what high school is all about? Backstabbing friends, gossiping; it was all in my face everyday, and the last thing I wanted was to have my life a topic.
But there was a problem; I was not good at keeping things from people. My face revealed everything, and frankly, I was embarrassed of it. I turned to my sunglasses, putting them on made me look like I was having the time of my life, rather than hiding every deep secret from everyone that passed me by. Reciting these thoughts in my head day after day brainwashed me-my sunglasses were my escape.
The summer before my junior year changed everything. There was this guy, who I knew since kindergarten, but it was always just a 'hello, how are you' kind of relationship. But, for no specific reason, we started getting closer. Something about him made me glued to him. I realized when I talked about even the most insignificant things, someone was actually listening. For the first time in my life I felt I was important to someone else. For the first time in my life someone heard me, someone understood my every action, my every thought. And for the first time in my life, someone made me feel like I wasn't just that girl with the big sunglasses. My life had meaning and he reminded me it did everyday.
But one night everything crumbled. I discovered other people around me knew my secrets. But how? I cried all night, begged people to tell me how they found out these things. And it all led to one person, the one I trusted. I cried until no more tears could come out. The next day he drove to my house to pick me up for breakfast like nothing was wrong. Right away he knew something was wrong. Why? I was wearing my sunglasses. Something I hadn't worn in front of him for months.
I sat in the car and he didn't turn the engine on to leave. "Look at me, why can't you look at me Kal? Just look at me. Kalli?" I refused; I just couldn't show him my bloodshot eyes. I couldn't show him that he had lost me. "Take off your sunglasses Kal, I need to see you." I sat lifeless. He violently reached over and grabbed the frames from my face. My glossy eyes were revealed, black makeup smudged everywhere. We stared in silence at each other for what seemed like hours. We both knew. A tear dripped down from his eye.
The years it took to gain my trust; it was all destroyed within seconds, and so was our friendship. I couldn't stand the fact that I was alone again, but was I really? I had my friends, the ones that stayed up with me the entire night before to cheer me up. And mostly, I had myself. It took another person to show me who I am. To show me how strong I could be, how confident I could be, how to ignore people who judged me. Was I upset my trust was betrayed within seconds? Yes. But that's life, I lost a friend, but I didn't lose what I learned. There are only certain people in your life that will always keep your trust, and sometimes it takes time to realize who those friends are.
We still stared at each other in silence. "I'm sorry Kal, I'm so sorry." There was nothing to say. I looked down at the frames lying lifeless in my lap. My mind was racing. No, I couldn't, I knew I was too strong, I didn't need them anymore.
My head slowly raised up to get one last glance of him. "Goodbye Steve."
I tossed my sunglasses aside and walked out of the car with a smile.
"Look at me, why can't you look at me Kal? Just look at me. Kalli?" His words kept replaying over in my mind again and again. I just wanted it to go away, I needed it to go away, I was desperate for an escape, for something, anything, to get me out. Slowly, I reached into my pocket for my sunglasses and lifted up my head.
Chanel, Ray Bans, Ralph Lauren. The microscopic letters etched into the plastic side of my glasses hold no meaning for me, yet the dark brown shields hovering over my eyes speak differently. Friends associate me as the little girl with the big sunglasses taking up her entire face. "Bug eyes", they usually call me. Everyone thinks I wear them for style or to look "cool". And what do I say? Nothing. What can I say? That's the problem. For the bulk of my high school years I've struggled to find myself, so how could other people ever understand? Should I tell them the truth and seek advice? Nah. I'd rather just put my sunglasses on so I don't have to face reality.
Hiding my face kept all my emotions hidden. Yeah, I was physically in the presence of friends everyday, but emotionally, my sunglasses concealed everything for me. My friends always said they would understand me, but I knew they wouldn't. I was confident no one would get me. So why bother telling them anything? They would just judge me, act like they care and then turn around and talk. Isn't that what high school is all about? Backstabbing friends, gossiping; it was all in my face everyday, and the last thing I wanted was to have my life a topic.
But there was a problem; I was not good at keeping things from people. My face revealed everything, and frankly, I was embarrassed of it. I turned to my sunglasses, putting them on made me look like I was having the time of my life, rather than hiding every deep secret from everyone that passed me by. Reciting these thoughts in my head day after day brainwashed me-my sunglasses were my escape.
The summer before my junior year changed everything. There was this guy, who I knew since kindergarten, but it was always just a 'hello, how are you' kind of relationship. But, for no specific reason, we started getting closer. Something about him made me glued to him. I realized when I talked about even the most insignificant things, someone was actually listening. For the first time in my life I felt I was important to someone else. For the first time in my life someone heard me, someone understood my every action, my every thought. And for the first time in my life, someone made me feel like I wasn't just that girl with the big sunglasses. My life had meaning and he reminded me it did everyday.
But one night everything crumbled. I discovered other people around me knew my secrets. But how? I cried all night, begged people to tell me how they found out these things. And it all led to one person, the one I trusted. I cried until no more tears could come out. The next day he drove to my house to pick me up for breakfast like nothing was wrong. Right away he knew something was wrong. Why? I was wearing my sunglasses. Something I hadn't worn in front of him for months.
I sat in the car and he didn't turn the engine on to leave. "Look at me, why can't you look at me Kal? Just look at me. Kalli?" I refused; I just couldn't show him my bloodshot eyes. I couldn't show him that he had lost me. "Take off your sunglasses Kal, I need to see you." I sat lifeless. He violently reached over and grabbed the frames from my face. My glossy eyes were revealed, black makeup smudged everywhere. We stared in silence at each other for what seemed like hours. We both knew. A tear dripped down from his eye.
The years it took to gain my trust; it was all destroyed within seconds, and so was our friendship. I couldn't stand the fact that I was alone again, but was I really? I had my friends, the ones that stayed up with me the entire night before to cheer me up. And mostly, I had myself. It took another person to show me who I am. To show me how strong I could be, how confident I could be, how to ignore people who judged me. Was I upset my trust was betrayed within seconds? Yes. But that's life, I lost a friend, but I didn't lose what I learned. There are only certain people in your life that will always keep your trust, and sometimes it takes time to realize who those friends are.
We still stared at each other in silence. "I'm sorry Kal, I'm so sorry." There was nothing to say. I looked down at the frames lying lifeless in my lap. My mind was racing. No, I couldn't, I knew I was too strong, I didn't need them anymore.
My head slowly raised up to get one last glance of him. "Goodbye Steve."
I tossed my sunglasses aside and walked out of the car with a smile.
