Nursing: Admissions essay for prompt: why did you choose healthcare?

Hello everyone,

I am trying hard to refine my essay to include with my application for nursing school. I have created a rough draft and would love some feedback to help me strengthen areas which are lacking. The prompt was to write an essay in 750 words or less why I choose to have a career in this healthcare field (nursing). Below is the essay:

"How very little can be done under the spirit of fear" ~ Florence Nightengale.

When I first entered the workforce, I didn't follow my dreams; I did what was most familiar. For many years, I have wanted to be a nurse, but I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it. Florence Nightengale is right. Fear stops people from achieving their potential.

Choosing a profession in nursing was not as easy for me as it may have been for others. I am not the daughter of a nurse. My grandfather was not a physician; my father was not a surgeon. My mother was a corporate executive; my father Chief of police; and my grandfather an electrician. My own career goals were not clear to me in high school and so I simply followed familiar steps. To follow my own interests simply brought too much fear with it.

I worked for a surgical microscope company for 12 years. I enjoyed my position because of its demanding pace and its connection with medicine. I often spent free time watching our sales and service people prepare equipment for surgery and train surgeons and nurses. I admired the doctors and nurses who came to us to learn about the latest equipment so that they could provide the best possible care to their patients. My work for the company required me to interact with some of the best surgeons and nurses at the most prestigious hospitals in the country. Although I admired them, I did not apply to nursing school because I was afraid that I would not be successful.

For two and a half rewarding years, I became a full-time mother. I stayed home with my children and volunteered at local schools, in our community and at our church, serving on the PTO, running a youth wrestling club, and helping to start a backpack program in local elementary schools. By 2010, my youngest children were ready to go to kindergarten, and it was time for me to reenter the workforce. I decided it was also time for me to be bold in the pursuit of my dream. Having excelled at serving medical professionals in business and having kept a household with four children running smoothly, I was finally ready to apply to nursing school.

The projects and initiatives that I am a part of have been satisfying because I contribute meaningfully to the community. I imagine that nurses experience that feeling a lot. What could be more meaningful than to restore the health of another person? These projects also showed me that the risk is worth the reward and that I have the capability and determination to excel no matter what I decide to do.

A career in nursing means more to me than a good salary, the ability to help people and potential for growth. The field of nursing provides endless potential for exciting and rewarding possibilities. As a nurse, I will contribute to helping people live longer, richer lives. I will empty bedpans, but I will also witness miracles. I will bring added value to my community, be more aware of my own health, and join a profession which will let me to do what I love anywhere I choose to live; an important advantage in today's mobile society. I will have the opportunity to not just witness but play a role in the progress that our scientific and medical community continually makes.

When I explored my passions and imagined where I would be most effective it wasn't hard to decide what path to follow. Being a nurse will allow me to use my life experiences to do something I have always wanted to do and accomplish my goal of keeping honest care the part of any cure.

Greetings !

The essay displays a sound understanding of the central issues and is well organised. The arguments are well constructed. The key points are addressed and there are no significant errors.

- Some variety in sentence structure
- Some width in vocabulary can convey shades of meaning
- Relevant points.
- Some coherence in paragraphing
- Points are organized in paragraphs
- Essay is interesting

Regards

I think this essay is very well organized! The writing itself is very descriptive which conveys your intelligence to the reader, and I get the overall impression of a very strong desire to work in the nursing field (which is, obviously, the aim of the essay) I do not see anything I would change.

If the essay is submitted as is, I think you will have a very strong application. Best of luck!

"How very little can be done under the spirit of fear" ~ Florence Nightengale.

True to Florence Nightengale's quote I realized while I may be excelling at what I was doing, I was doing very little for myself, because of that fear.---This is a nice insight you shared. However, I think it is unnecessary to list the professions of everyone in the family. You can use 2 sentences to express the idea of this difficulty and reluctance you experienced. I think the part of the intro that discusses your family's professions is too much, though. Use this intro to express, in a focused way, your main theme, which is associated with that quote.

Finally, nursing will allow me to utilize my diverse skills and experiences while satisfying my individual ambitions. ---This sentence is too general! :-) I think you should be very specific and detailed when you refer to your personal goals.

It is even too general just to refer to nursing. Always refer to nursing based on Watson's Theory of Care or based on EBP or whatever it is that you are most motivated about. Express your unique outlook, and share your envisioned future.

*** I think you should modify the first sentence of each paragraph so that it shows how the main idea of the paragraph relates to the main idea of the essay: overcoming fear.

:-)

I don't think you have told the story forcefully enough. Kevin's advice about being specific is a good start.

He is right to ask you to rethink this sentence: Finally, nursing will allow me to utilize my diverse skills and experiences while satisfying my individual ambitions.

What do you visualize when you read that? It's not specific enough to create a picture of anything for me.

Utilize is a word that should be consigned to the darkest corner of nursing school application hell.

There is a good English word that means the same thing: use.

Which skills and ambitions?

What kind of nurse do you see yourself becoming? Why?

I disagree about using Watson's theory of care or any other academic language to explain why you want to be a nurse.

If you asked me how much I like Soft Serve ice cream, I wouldn't write something like "The taste sensation that it creates on my tongue stimulates pleasure centers deep in my refractory nodes." I'd tell you that I have the places that serve the best Soft Serve within a 20-mile radius programmed into my GPS, so I can get there in the event of a Soft Serve emergency.

If you feel passionately about something, you had better have words that are immediate, specific, and human to describe it.

Utilize will never be such a word.

The central point of your story is very good. You were scared, you matured, and you decided to be bold. Tell it as simply as you can.

Thank you all so much for the very good advice! I will carefully review all the suggestions and make the appropriate changes to my essay. I will post the revised essay once I have done so.

Thank you!!!

Gosh, it was harder than I thought to incorporate all the suggestions! I hope I was at least partly successful. I tried to do so using more of my own words in some areas. This is not complete but it is part one of the revision.

Capitalize the whole job title: Chief of Police

Here's an idea:
To follow my own interests simply brought too much fear. with it.

Okay, and at the end of the first paragraph you did not sum up your BIG INTENTION, your big plan. So... I think it is important to boldly state your intention, your big aspiration in the first sentence of the second paragraph. Sum it up in a powerful sentence at the start of that second para, and I think you'll have yourself a winner. :-)

I like the ending, too! But the last few words are confusing. Maybe you can simplify what you are saying about honest care being a part of the cure.