NYU Tisch (majoring in filmmaking) - "why us" essay

Hi there, kind soul. I'm applying for NYU Tisch with hopes of majoring in filmmaking.
I have a background in film, graduating from a polytechnic with a diploma in film in Singapore. Thank you for picking up my essay, please help me out. I'm worried whatever I'm writing doesn't make sense cause I've re-written this essay so many times.

Perhaps making films was one of the greatest mistakes I made. Scoring well for my GCE 'O' levels and emerging top three in my cohort of Media Studies students, I decided to apply for Singapore's most established and successful film school. Growing up in a result-oriented environment that values academic success above everything else, the plan was simple: make a film that my lecturers will like. With that goal in mind, my time in my film course felt exhausting and academics became subject that people around me learnt not to talk about. Every project felt suffocating; I was neither proud nor happy with my creations.

How successful you are is how closely you follow a Hollywood director's style or how fitting it would be in a French film festival, or so I thought. I was too concerned by how everyone would perceive my film that I failed to feel the sense of achievement everyone boasted about when they created something they were proud of. Awards are not the only factor contributing to how successful a film is - it is also the impression it leaves on the audience.

In my current phase in life, perhaps I am still a ways to go before I can create a masterpiece. The culture of excellence and diverse students hailing from all around the world is something I want to experience for myself, and I know that the lessons I will learn alongside my peers will procure in me a greater sense of living in NYU Tisch. I know that the culture that embraces learning and growth will definitely equip me as I embark on my journey as a filmmaker. (257 Words)

Hi Annabelle,
I'll try to give you comments. Here we go...

1. I suggest you to straight do point with your idea, why you very interest in that major, say it first.
2. To show your passion, you can tall with your experiences. I will give you a method, maybe can be useful for you. Use method : STAR, your story should include, Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle), Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish problems/troubles/tasks/obligations etc.), and Result (what happen when you did your action). This method will help you to think easily, perhaps.

3. Please, use formal style for your essay.
4. Focus in letters that I color in red. You should think twice before use it.

Good luck, then.

Perhaps making films was one of the greatest mistakes WHICH I made (be careful with this quote, maybe it is informal form) .

Scoring well for my GCE 'O' levels ...
... people around me learnt not to talk about (notice your parallel sentences and organization of sentences) .

In my current phase in life, perhaps I am still a ways to go before I can create a masterpiece. The culture of excellence and diverse students hailing from all around the world is something THAT I want to experience for myself ...

Anabelle, as much as i loved reading your essay, I find that it lacks the ability to back you up in this challenge towards admission to NYU.

The essay is like a summary of how you have a love-hate relationship of your chosen career, however you justify your career choice it doesn't answer the question, WHY NYU?

I suggest that you revise your essay and follow the guidelines below.
- what is your academic goal
- what are the research or steps that you took in order to come up with the decision in choosing NYU
- what does NYU have that will assist you in achieving your goals, career and personal goals
- should you be admitted to NYU, what are the attributes that you have that will benefit NYU in return

Anabelle, you have word restriction that may limit you from answering the prompt in full details but this should not restrain you from coming up with a stronger essay for admission in NYU.

I wish to see your revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Hello @Fahmisaja and @justivy03, thank you for you valuable feedback! My essay was indeed very lacking... I took on a new direction and re-wrote my essay according to the pointers you have offered me. Once again, I am really so grateful for your help!

Essay: The term, "short term memory loss", was often used by my peers as an excuse to wiggle themselves out of sticky situations. While I was never clinically diagnosed with short-term memory loss, I definitely had a shallow memory capacity. After several futile attempts at memory games and memory related kinaesthetic or audial exercises, my aunt dug out her Canon 40D DSLR and hung it around my neck. Being the photographer, my aunt figured it would be much easier for me to retrace my own visual cues.

My memory cues soon grew into passion; studying Media Studies in secondary school, I later pursued a diploma in Film, Sound & Video in Ngee Ann Polytechnic.

While I enjoyed my course immensely, many of my classmates might say otherwise. Many of them were intelligent and their films were hailed as "fine work", "displaying high levels of potential". In spite of so, they hardly took classes seriously and grew bored of filmmaking. I felt insulted, and at the same time envious of them. I thought that perhaps my film was only as good as my grades.

My efforts to make good films were commendable, but my intentions were disgraceful and the results, dissatisfactory. Feeling ashamed, I sought ways to feel proud of my craft again. Regardless the grade, I craved to learn and explore, to break free from conformity and create an identity and style uniquely me.

The change in mindset proved effective, giving me the confidence and drive to direct a television game show involving my class of twenty students and a collaboration with a student enterprise. That same year, the School of Film & Media studies organised a month-long overseas immersion programme to Sichuan, Chengdu, where forty of us were tasked to shoot a documentary in teams of four. My team's documentary, which delves into China's education system and its impacts on wealth disparity, was selected for my course's esteemed graduation showcase in May 2015.

Singapore's industry has reached a stage of stagnation. Thus, I wish to acquire valuable experiences in NYU so that I might be part of the generation that pushes the Singapore filmmaking industry out of purgatory. As an international student, I find comfort in NYU's dynamic learning space with students from all over the world. Despite the unique university setting and diverse student body, the clubs promote a strong school pride and unity that I am excited to be a part of. Not only so, the quality of professors and facilities in NYU Tisch have proven to be the best; having sent out so many amazing students, now filmmakers, who have surged filmmaking into a new era only proves the value in the opportunities and experiences offered in NYU. I look forward to exploring and learning together with like-minded classmates, cherishing memories and striving for excellence with them.

I know that the journey will not be easy, and I am prepared for it. After all, obstacles and textures are what makes this romance all the more alluring.

(499 words)