obstacle and family history, culture - UCF personal statement essay

Topics:
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

In my life, there have been a few obstacles that I have had to work around, but the main one that was hard to get over was the loss of one of my cousins. The loss of my cousin brought my whole family together as a whole not just certain people. With me I felt as if I had lost a sister and a friend. When I went to the funeral, I all I could think about was the memories that I could remember with her in it: the playing in grandmas front yard during 4th of July, the time when she let the ferret go and it climbed all over my body, and the wedding that I just saw her at not two or three months before she committed suicide. But then, I thought about all the memories that never will we have, and that's when it hit me. Getting over that might be the hardest thing that I have ever done, but with the help of my parents, brothers, and God, I got over it and just pray that nobody else has to go through this in their life time.

My family is well connected; we talk to each other every day just to see how things are doing and what is happening with them. My mom's and dad's family came from nothing growing up in the city of Chicago. They worked for everything thing that they earn, and I see that every day. They always try to push my brothers and me to the best that we possibly can. So far, it has worked with both brothers graduated from University of Florida and going on to get their masters and law degrees. When I see what my parents and brothers have accomplished, I aspire to be like them in every aspect of life.

Don't say "loss of one of my cousins" twice in a row at the start. Instead, give more details the second time -- you know what I mean? In that second sentence of the essay. Oh, I see, in the second sentence of the essay you should write a sentence with the word suicide instead of writing "loss of one of my cousins" twice.

You should write that she "seemed more like a sister than a cousin." The way you wrote it here seems confusing, like, is it a cousin or a sister?

Instead of well connected, you could write tight-knit. Well-connected often is used to mean that you know powerful people.

Use a dash here:
When I went to the funeral I all I could think about were the memories -- that I could remember with her in it, the playing in grandmas front yard during 4th of July, the time when she let the ferret go and it climbed all over my body, and the wedding where I saw her that I just saw her at not 2 or 3 only two months before her awful decision. she committed suicide.

I'm so sorry to hear this story. I'm not just saying that to be polite; this must be such frustrating heartache.

Okay, so, now you shoule write a little at the end about a clear vision for the future, including details, all about how this helped you to firm your resolve about studying... what? What are your plans for the future?

I think you should revise the sentences:
The loss of my cousin brought my whole family together as a whole not just certain people
and
They worked for everything that they earn, and I see that every day.

I have highlighted what should be changed or added in the following essay especially the commas

In my life, there have been a few obstacles that I have had to work around, but the main one that was hard to get over was the loss of one of my cousins. The loss of my cousin brought my whole family together as a whole not just certain people. With me I felt as if I had lost a sister and a friend. When I went to the funeral,I all I could think about was the memories that I could remember with her in it: the playing in grandmas front yard during 4th of July, the time when she let the ferret go and it climbed all over my body, and the wedding that I just saw her at not two or three months before she committed suicide. But then, I thought about all the memories that never will we have, and that's when it hit me. Getting over that might be the hardest thing that I have ever done, but with the help of my parents, brothers, and God, I got over it and just pray that nobody else has to go through this in their life time.

They worked for everything thing that they earn, and I see that every day.

So far, it has worked with both brothers graduated from University of Florida and going on to get their masters and law degrees. When I see what my parents and brothers have accomplished, I aspire to be like them in every aspect of life.