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An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you.



freezard7734 17 / 144  
Aug 17, 2010   #1
Here is the prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate the person you are?

This is a rough rough rough draft -.- . I still feel that things are lacking and hope that you guys can help point out my weakness. Thanks a lot!

I am an obstinate learner. Ever since I began schooling, I would bombard teachers with a myriad of questions in hope of unveiling the world around me; however, my inquiries often culminated in a disillusioning admission to ignorance. Because they could not always offer answers, I despised teachers when I was a small child; however, as I matured, I found that I myself loved to teach, whether it be history riddles or science conundrums. Through my endeavors, I learned that teaching is an audacious profession. While training his apprentices, the teacher hones his own pen (of erudition) to fend off the armies of enigma. No other venture offers the gifts of experience and the gratification of bestowing priceless knowledge. Teaching is the noblest deed a person can partake of in his lifetime.

When I received my first Great Book of Math Puzzles, I was delighted by the challenge. For several days, I drudged through hidden messages and logic maps; I was extremely excited when the puzzles were finally deciphered and urgently gathered my family to share my findings. Although my brothers and parents replied with an indifferent nod, I could not contain my discovery. I felt compelled to share my knowledge with others; I had discovered my love for teaching.

Eventually, I established teaching as a minor hobby. I would tutor my brothers and friends in homework and prepare younger students for tests. All this time, because I was familiar with my pupils' curriculums, I was prepared for any attack. Confident of my capabilities, I decided to volunteer at Hopkins Junior High's math circle; however, to my surprise and shame, I often could not immediately answer every question thrown upon me. There, I understood the reactions of my former teachers to my enigmatic questions.

Through the club, I learned that the great teacher learns with his own students. Although initially embarrassed, I gradually grew comfortable admitting my ignorance and enjoyed struggling with my students to unearth the mathematic mysteries. By cooperating and conversing about the potential solutions to various problems, I not only expanded my expertise in algebra, geometry, and combinatorics but also discovered the rewarding satisfaction of having toiled and accomplished together.

2009 was the first year I lead a team of four of my top students to the states round of MathCounts; furthermore, it was the first year that the Hopkins math circle had ever sent a member to compete nationally, a prestigious feat which only four middle school students from each state can achieve. I was extremely honored to have coached this team. Through this experience, I overcame my fear of ignorance and learned to be proud of my passion to teach. I had tasted the grandeur and pride of the teacher.

kashmir4321 1 / 2  
Aug 19, 2010   #2
I think that a conclusion, or at least a sentence to finish off the essay nicely would improve this essay's impact on the reader. But I love how you admit to the embarrassment you felt when tutoring. It makes you seem very humble and down to earth.
OP freezard7734 17 / 144  
Aug 19, 2010   #3
I also thought I needed a better conclusion. I tried revising it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Aug 19, 2010   #4
...however, as I matured, I found that I myself loved to teach, whether it be history riddles or science conundrums. Through my endeavors, I learned that teaching is an audacious profession. -- I agree, but say in what way it is audacious!

While training his apprentices, the teacher hones his own the pen of erudition to fend off the armies of enigma. --- cool!!! Obviously, this change I made is just an idea.. maybe it is better to keep it the way you had it.

All this time, because I was familiar with my pupils' curriculums curricula, I was prepared for any attack. ...

2009 was the first year I lead led a team of four of my...
The ending is excellent... really, all of this is excellent. I think it'll be a winner!
OP freezard7734 17 / 144  
Aug 19, 2010   #5
Thanks a lot for the advice!

2009 was the first year I lead led a team of four of my...

Woops! Mistake on my part :]

I myself love

I wanted the myself in there in order to show the contrast. Before, I said I didn't like teachers, but right after, I said that I love teaching. I wanted to emphasize this contrast. :]
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Aug 21, 2010   #6
I wanted to emphasize this contrast.

No no, I understand what you mean but it is better not to do that. This is something teachers correct all the time. I myself would like to be able to use the word 'myself' that way, but people do not think it is proper. Ask your English teacher. :-) English teachers love you correct this kind of use of myself or herself, himself, etc. --- it has to be used as a "reflexive pronoun" or whatever it is called. It can't be used this way... or, it can, but usually it looks like an error. You write very well and do not need to have people think you are making an error.

Ask your English teacher. :-) English teachers love you correct this kind of use of myself or herself, himself, etc. --- it has to be used as a "reflexive pronoun" or whatever it is called. It can't be used this way... or, it can, but usually it looks like an error. You write very well and do not need to have people think you are making an error.
OP freezard7734 17 / 144  
Aug 22, 2010   #7
Ok. Thanks for the information. I actually never knew that it was a common mistake to use the reflexive pronouns that way. :) New things every day!
OP freezard7734 17 / 144  
Sep 8, 2010   #8
Hi Kevin. I'm asking for your advice again :)
Do you think this essay would be "useable" for the following prompt?

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit) *

Thanks!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Sep 9, 2010   #9
This prompt asks you to write about an event.

If the essay begins with this sentence, "I am an obstinate learner," the reader feels like it is missing the mark. Just take some inspiration and revise this so that it is about an event -- a learning experience that helped you to know about yourself. Settle in, and write a good paragraph to introduce the new version of the essay.

:-)


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