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DEALING WITH OTHERS: tell us about a personal quality, talent, contribution, or experience

meggo2014 2 / 2  
Oct 10, 2013   #1
Please help.!!! Here's my first draft. It's kinda random, but ties in at the end. Any suggestions to improve. I would greatly appreciate some criticism/feedback. Or please help me with a strong beginning, because its kind of awkward.

2. Tell us about a personal quality, talent, or contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I loved reading Japanese comics involving some kind of love rivalry or fight against bullies. I've witnessed tears over break ups and heard of the betrayal situation happening between my friends, but I've never actually been involved with any drama in my life or anyone else's. I wasn't sure if it was due to my ignorance, unconcern, or carefree lifestyle. So I decided to test this out. It clearly seemed to me that I just didn't care and showed unconcern about people's troubles. But even when I did showed concern, I still wasn't involved in these break up or fighting dramas. It was only until I experienced my own drama that I realized the secret to avoiding social problems and began to understand more of myself as a person.

In my sophomore year, I was part of the varsity volleyball team. At the end of the season we had suffered tremendous defeat, compared to last year's undefeated champions. Our problem was that we didn't trust each other, which resulted in teamwork problems. We decided to hold a team bonding session to work out our differences. At the beginning of the meeting I stayed quiet and listened to others complaints. I was shy and refused to voice out my opinions. Some people were angry at each other, some thought that there was too much criticism involved, and others were frustrated with theirselves. Although i was scared of being judged or looked down upon for being weird, I don't know why but at that moment I thought it was a good Idea to just vent out all my frustrations. Maybe they would understand me or maybe they won't, i thought. So, I just let it all go. I started with my confusion as which person would receive the ball and ended with my frustrations as a middle hitter in general. At the end of my rant, all I remember was that there were tears flowing down my face and my teammates' depressed faces had changed to laughing ones. The tears I had were not due to sadness or regret; they were tears of joy from being able to expressing my feelings and other accepting them with laughs of understanding. The dark aura of discomfort and sadness I felt in the beginning of the meeting, had vanished and had been replaced with the feeling of relief and happiness. The year after we became more open to each other and eventually won a league championship banner of ourselves.

So, I have come to the conclusion, along with the results of this volleyball drama and my knowledge in romance movies, shoujo mangas, and Korean dramas, that the secret to solving relationship problems, is through communication. During the volleyball games, we hadn't communicated correctly and misunderstandings caused us to lose the ball game. I realized that I hadn't been effectively communicating my feelings to my teammates, shying away and suppressing my emotions from fear of judgement from the older and more experienced teammates. This is also the reason I was involved in the drama in the first place. I hadn't openly expressed my opinions from the start.

After that incident I learned much more about myself and how I am with dealing with others. I never actually intentionally realized this trait of mine. This straightforward part of myself, makes me who I am. I try to be as honest as I can to avoid misunderstandings. I Openly express my opinions and engage in class activities by asking questions. I am honest with myself and others, which has won the trust of my friends and acquaintances. This trait pushed me from the shy introvert I could have been to the gregarious person I am today.
admission2012 - / 478 90  
Oct 11, 2013   #2

So first let me start with the bad...You have major problems with punctuation and word choice/grammar. I had to re-read a few sentences two or three times to fully understand what you were trying to say. That is a No-No for any admissions essay. Now to the good news: I actually like that "Communication" is the element that is most important to you. I also like how you relate it to any type of relationship. This part of your essay will be received well. You just need to focus on the structure while reducing the verbosity here. Once you do this, this will be a winning essay. -Admissions Advice Online

Hope this helps
tayleeb - / 19  
Oct 11, 2013   #3
I know you mention it a bit later in the essay, but the first sentence about anime is rendered irrelevant throughout the essay. Because it's not a strong theme in the essay, you could just start out by saying "I've witnessed a lot of drama in my life, from tears over break ups to friends betraying friends, but I've never been involved with drama personally. "

These sentences should be combined:

I wasn't sure if it was due to my ignorance, unconcern, or carefree lifestyle. So I decided to test this out.

And although unconcern is a word, it's just a very awkward diction choice. I would switch it with something like "indifference " or "apathy ." Also the spot where it's used in the sentence after this.

I got a little confused at the beginning-you go from saying you're never involved with drama, but you're not sure why. Then, "I realized the secret to avoiding social drama. " But you just said you've never been involved except for one time? I'm not exactly sure what you were trying to get at, but maybe if you switched "avoiding" to "resolving" it would get your message across clearer (if that's what you meant).

You also said that the issue on the team was with everybody and for various reasons, but then later say that you tried to be honest to avoid misunderstandings. It's unclear how the conflict between the team was a misunderstanding due to you not being honest.

There's a couple words that get repetitive throughout the essay-drama, shy, misunderstandings, etc.

I like how you speak of the tension building up inside of you before you spoke, and how you clearly indicate your emotions during this experience and how it changed you.

Other than that, there's just some simple capitalization errors and simple grammar mistakes that you'll pick up on once you read through. Try reading it aloud too!

Good luck! I hope this helped a little.

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