Hi! This is my common application essay that I wrote and the more I read it, the more I absolutely hate it :( I just need some really honest, brutal if necessary, feedback on this piece!!!
My thoughts: I feel as though I tried to accomplish too much and therefore the essay wasnt personal anymore. I was born in HongKong, lived in Korea, Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, Russia, and then went on to two boarding schools in America. Just wanted to show how these moves affected my life- the culture, values, experiences, etc... I just couldn't leave anything out!
Thanks in advance
Prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
They kicked the door off its hinges and raged into the house. Try to imagine how horrified I was when five ruffians, trying to intimidate our family, stormed in and robbed us in the middle of one day. I was 7 years old and aghast at the sight of my crying mother, whose face was crimson with anger and fear. While her hands were bleeding from shattered glass trying to stop those bulky bullies, I was helpless. All I could do was sit in a corner, cover my ears from the screaming and smashing, and cry.
"It's all over. It's all right," my mother muttered. Despite the pervading pain she smiled, and I wiped the tears off my sullen face with cold, shaking fingers.
Although this occurred in Slovenia, I recalled the incident late one night while riding the Moscow metro. "How did I get here?" I often wondered. Looking back, my life had always been an endless train ride, never settling. There was one benefit, however, to this itinerant existence: Each stop was unique, and you could learn a lot from each place.
Trying to hark back to life in Hong Kong, where I was born, I could only guess that it was like Korea, where I moved to two years later. Visions of the scintillating city, the wet, wild fish markets and the gentle mist that topped skyscrapers, supported my memory. The Asian culture instilled in me that man is a humble being who must show respect and deference, but only did this tenet sink in when I lived amid the racism of European countries - the Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, and Russia.
My European friends would shout "Ahnyong!" at me, squinting their eyes, torturing me ruthlessly. I remember punching a wall till the bricks were stained red, but instead of despising my race, I realized something -- my European peers knew they were the best. So I adopted this pride and confidence into my own life. They also stressed the importance of family, and I came to appreciate late night strolls with my family under honey-colored lights on the Charles Bridge in Prague. Each step on that Bohemian sandstone was bliss.
But just when life seemed perfect and the moving had stopped, I decided to push myself by going to boarding school in New York. However, I found the work unchallenging and the environment too familiar, so I transferred to one of the top schools in America, where I emulate the best.
Perhaps this train ride wasn't so bad. It left me seeking for more. I've been uprooted from my many homes; eight times in all, twice by my own volition, once because of thugs. Each time, not only did I pick up another stamp on my passport and a good deal of mileage, but I also took with me an inordinate number of priceless experiences. The exciting thing for me is that there is so much more to learn, so many places to see, so many challenges to overcome. And right now I want to be challenged.
Any thoughts after you read this?
My thoughts: I feel as though I tried to accomplish too much and therefore the essay wasnt personal anymore. I was born in HongKong, lived in Korea, Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, Russia, and then went on to two boarding schools in America. Just wanted to show how these moves affected my life- the culture, values, experiences, etc... I just couldn't leave anything out!
Thanks in advance
Prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
They kicked the door off its hinges and raged into the house. Try to imagine how horrified I was when five ruffians, trying to intimidate our family, stormed in and robbed us in the middle of one day. I was 7 years old and aghast at the sight of my crying mother, whose face was crimson with anger and fear. While her hands were bleeding from shattered glass trying to stop those bulky bullies, I was helpless. All I could do was sit in a corner, cover my ears from the screaming and smashing, and cry.
"It's all over. It's all right," my mother muttered. Despite the pervading pain she smiled, and I wiped the tears off my sullen face with cold, shaking fingers.
Although this occurred in Slovenia, I recalled the incident late one night while riding the Moscow metro. "How did I get here?" I often wondered. Looking back, my life had always been an endless train ride, never settling. There was one benefit, however, to this itinerant existence: Each stop was unique, and you could learn a lot from each place.
Trying to hark back to life in Hong Kong, where I was born, I could only guess that it was like Korea, where I moved to two years later. Visions of the scintillating city, the wet, wild fish markets and the gentle mist that topped skyscrapers, supported my memory. The Asian culture instilled in me that man is a humble being who must show respect and deference, but only did this tenet sink in when I lived amid the racism of European countries - the Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, and Russia.
My European friends would shout "Ahnyong!" at me, squinting their eyes, torturing me ruthlessly. I remember punching a wall till the bricks were stained red, but instead of despising my race, I realized something -- my European peers knew they were the best. So I adopted this pride and confidence into my own life. They also stressed the importance of family, and I came to appreciate late night strolls with my family under honey-colored lights on the Charles Bridge in Prague. Each step on that Bohemian sandstone was bliss.
But just when life seemed perfect and the moving had stopped, I decided to push myself by going to boarding school in New York. However, I found the work unchallenging and the environment too familiar, so I transferred to one of the top schools in America, where I emulate the best.
Perhaps this train ride wasn't so bad. It left me seeking for more. I've been uprooted from my many homes; eight times in all, twice by my own volition, once because of thugs. Each time, not only did I pick up another stamp on my passport and a good deal of mileage, but I also took with me an inordinate number of priceless experiences. The exciting thing for me is that there is so much more to learn, so many places to see, so many challenges to overcome. And right now I want to be challenged.
Any thoughts after you read this?